I NEVER THINK OF THE FUTURE, IT COMES SOON ENOUGH - EINSTEIN

Happy New Year Jock Strappers!

Hope you had a good Xmas! Big thank you to Handsome James for his shit blog updates regarding ‘The Reverse Twelve Days‘ – You fucking weirdo.

How do you spell strappers any way?

Like this – Strappers?

Like this – Strapers?

Or with a – ‘s?

Drop a comment let me know. I need an editor, so send me your CV! I may be in a position to secure dome funds to hire one in the New Year!

Speaking of CV’s – I’ve recently sent mine to a well known weekly farming magazine. I want to broaden my horizons in 2014 and I reckon a stint as a journo for a while may be the perfect springboard. So, I thought fuck it why not? Any feedback on the structure or content of my CV is welcomed as I may pimp myself out and about the mass media a lot more in the short term future. I will add it to the end of the blog let me know what you think J

So then: Novembers Shenanigans!

(Magpie saviour)

This whole farm ownership thing really did my fucking head in, but luckily reason prevailed and as usual Knuckles the Magpie turned up to save the day! Riding a fucking white swan of all things! He is one elegant bastard folks! Juxtapose that with his dark self and you have the full package I guess! Elegant darkness! Fuck me Jock Strappers that could the name of his first album! I’m a genius!

Wander how is marriage is panning out? Fuck marrying a vicar! Talk about someone who’s bound to harp on the whole time?! BOOM! There is actually no stopping me today, the end!

Me and Knuckles are catching up New Years Eve any way for a good gossip. Of course anything he tells me I will publish all over my blog – Standard!

Me and him met up just before Xmas…. As we went to see Paul Daniels!! What a legend!!!!  Aaand I would still smash McGee (Hash-tag time of the cougar). During the interval Knuckles and Daniels took each other on at card counting! Knuckles won of course as he hid the Ace of Spades in one of his spats! Magical legend versus magical legend – it was the most epic thing I’ve seen all year!

                                 Daniels and Mcgee: Epic

So then: The farm now!

(Mission to Manheim)

The Dramatic world that encapsulates my very being has been sold to Lord Augustus. He has installed a new manager; Beth, to oversee operations. On my advice we have gone into beef jerky production to justify my existence, as Augustas wanted an arable only operation at first.

We all feared Lord Augustas arrival for two reasons. One; he was in America hunting big foot! The second he wasn’t go to be around here much, managing the place long arm from his other estate. So A; he’s a conspiracy theorist and B; this makes him harder to manipulate. Great.

Worst of all he drives blue and not green! So when the first New Holland tractor arrived we duly had to burn it. He saw sense after that though…

Turns out he’s alwright! AND well into tractor pulling! How cool is that?!

Tractor pullers are the fighter pilots of tractor operators. They go beyond the edge of the envelope, off the desk and through the stationary cupboard. Although if they are called Cut ‘n’ Paste Wayne they usually don’t come out again….. Oooooh – such a bitch ;-)

Any way he’s wheeled a 1994 John Deere 8400 half way across Nebraska and for that I respect him as it’s not even his weapon of choice.

                                Tractor Pullers: The elite, best of the best 

TGK literally worships him. How immature is that?! She’s all over him like one of her rashes that she gets when people shout at her. I know they didn’t have comprehensive schools in her day, but she’s behaving like a girl that would attend one.

Any way bless her; he liked the cut of her gib! He is sending her to Manheim! Yes you heard that right Jock Strappers…. To fucking the John Deere factory! There she will drive the best! Pushing the new 7R series all they way from the envelope to the fucking shredder! He wants a custom tractor platform to design a tractor puller from scratch! Wants her to buy a Chassis, to convert, It’s going to epic!

                                Deere 7310R: Waiting for stationary 

                                 Factory: Home of the best 

And he’s not a conspiracy theorist either thank fuck!

Turned out he really doesn’t like the idea of advancements in automation when it comes to agricultural machinery.

The truth is he had been stalking a company called ‘The Autonomous Tractor Corporation’ based out of North Dakota. They have produced 25 driverless tractors this year! Their software geeks reckon they are at the forefront of a complete tractor re-design! Their Aspergic computer nerdic cunts claim that tractor progression has been small scale over the last decades resulting in massive machines that are too expensive. They also say the cab is redundant too. Lord Augustus and I say that computer geeks are best placed in dungeons where they can wank over pictures of their mum’s, wear thick glasses and be but fucked by… everyone. Because that is what the square cunts deserve.

                                Autonomous Tractor Cop's 'Spirit' model: Can get fucked!

Have you never felt the roar of horsepower personified as you put a tractor in gear, ease off the clutch and let it do its thing? No. of course you haven’t, because you don’t understand feelings because you are Aspergic computer nerds. Stick to World of Warcraft, Freudian issues with your mums and being single forever.

If you hadn’t guessed by now, automatic tractor computer developers: You are on Jock’s radar. Be scared. That is all.

Lord Augustus has the codes to your main frame – gutted.

So then: The weather!

(Horse Cunts)

It’s been stormy and wet of late. I like a bit of wind though, it gets the female cows a bit jumpy! I kinda like that when I come up behind them by surprise…it adds to the tension…. OOOOOSH!

Any way the last thing you would catch me doing is harping on about how fucking bad the conditions are! Saturated fields, flooded farm yards are all good with me.. Except when Beth the manager instructs Handsome James to hose down my muddy balls!

I worry about him doing that, I think he likes it too much. Sometimes I turn my head when he’s doing it, and he’s really focusing hard on the task… like really staring at my balls, as he sprays them. It’s creepy. Could be worse though, could be Dave the Piercer washing them, because I know for a fact he’s a raving queer. Any way, they are clean, massive and empty most of the time. 

                                 Handsome James: Likes to touch 

So, horse cunts harp on about the conditions. (you have to write or say the word ‘cunt’ when ever talking about horses (cunts) because they are cunts).

I was aghast when I saw Dorset’s finest – Dorset Fire and Rescue, all over twitter saving some horse cunts from a flooded field after the storms. What a bunch of nonsing cuntish excuses for farm workers.

I mean what the fuck? They even refuse to make plough nowadays! – Do you even know who much it costs to buy a reversible plough for a tractor to pull?!

                                Tractor mounted plough: Costs nuff!

                                            Horses: Are cunts

Lazy moaning horse cunts. I’d be embarrassed to fuck, if fireman had to rescue me! Well to be fair a whole crew of muscle Mary fire man wouldn’t be able to rescue my black ass from shit!

I’m so heavy with topside brawn they would need to get the National Guard in > Fact! We are talking helicopters, the lot – Those massive ones with two blades. Horses are cunts. Believe that.

So then: The Antagonists

(Under-Card Playerz)

Well poor old Solent Jen appears to be hooked on our dramatic world. After the events of last month she has grown ever more investigative bless her. You can usually find her remote controlling some kind of cheap Amazon inspired quad copter, flying it over my field as I smash the hell out of Armantude… (And her friends). She reckons she will catch me illustrating my ability to talk and boss humans around. But I reckon she’s pretty much into animal action myself. And fair play! I’m not ready to judge her yet, her cleavage is currently scoring a 7.69. As soon as it breaks 8 I think I will need to see those babies for real. If they score high in an actualisation way, I may even get her that interview she would bend over backwards to get! – Hash-tag  - If that happened I would seriously skewer it.

Alan and Sharon Buzzard are going to be incredible to work with. I know they speared my best friend – Frank the Peacock but they are such a bunch of cunts its actually quite comedic. They are currently living in a caravan in north Wiltshire, plotting to get back in the area somehow. I’m looking forward to it personally… Because…Well I’m lost for words, they are literally THAT dysfunctional – I mean what the fuck, HOW OLD IS SHE IN RELATION TO HIM?  #childline #banardos #socialservices

Remember what I said about my CV? Its below – please take a look :0)

Jock the Bull

Augustus Farm, Clundy, Dorset.

 jockthebull@gmail.com

jockthebull.blogspot.co.uk

jockthebull.tumblr.com

twitter.com/jockthebull - @jockthebull

Profile

Powerful and influential Stock Bull with immense stamina and incredible lines. Creative and loyal with a huge online presence and a massive following. Analytical and judgemental with security experience and a strong will for rural justice. Resilient and productive with a truly spectacular output. Fit and hard working with a beautiful nose ring and massive balls. 

Employment history

2011 to Present: Augustus Estates and Enterprises Limited: Stock Bull

·      Duties include, well you know the drill ;-) #smashit

·      Additional duties include: Show work, 2014 calendar TBC: All enquiries to go through my agent: Handsome James – roager_2@hotmail.com

·      Farm security: Coordinates and delivers full vigilante response to fuel thefts, sometimes wears cape

·      Diversification management: implemented and took to market new beef jerky venture, encompassing a strong brand identity and 3 varieties, yum!

Voluntary work

Agricultural Journalist and Commentator: Self employed.

·      Successfully manages and contributes to the above-mentioned blogs.

·      Full website in development for January 2014: jockthebull.com

·      Edits submissions from guest writers and manages alternative monthly segments

Key achievements

·      Successful social media straplines, including: ‘The fruit of my loins single headedly keeps Burger King in business’, ‘The Adder Bites’ and ‘Too hard for hibernation’.

·      Over 200 daily visits to main blog

·      A LOT of rosettes

Key skills

·      Power: (I am very Powerful)

·      Social media wizz:(The internet loves me, the end)

·      Stamina: (I can go for hours)

·      Leadership: (I walk, others follow)

Hobbies

I like to swear, a lot. It’s been hard not say cunt up to press, but all farm workers say it and all farm managers think it. If you want to read my blog, please prepare yourself for this. I also like airfix kits, learning new languages, cake and John Deere’s.