How-do Jock Strapper’s!
Relax! I’m not really northern, just messing with ya!
In fact the last time I had a ferret down my trousers was when I
was smuggling one out of a sheep farm near Harrogate, but that’s another story.
I’ve been a bout a bit. And have worn trousers.
Any way, the reason for this blog is that I have managed to secure
a lot of new followers recently and I don’t want you all to have to trawl
through previous posts to get a true sense of my nature and purpose.
If you want to read my first ever post however, here it is:
So really all I want to do today is just give you folks a bit of a
recap as to who I am and what I do.
Sometimes town folk, horse cunts, politicians, filmgoers, crows, the
middle classes and alcoholics take the likes of me for granted. They forget how
hard I work, they forget the effort I put in and they forget why I’m good for
them.
Word to the wise Jock Strapper’s… Do not be forgetting who the fuck
I am.
I am a champion Aberdeen Angus stud bull with the tools of the
trade to keep myself pumpin’ for you keep munchin’
That’s right! I help to make the beef jerky you sit and eat whilst
dribbling down the bar maids cleavage or wanking over Manchester United.
Bar maid's cleavage: Dribble it
My children get stuck in your teeth. And you love it.
From me: To you.
I am absolutely fucking beautiful to look at. I am as black as the
Ace of Spades and literally tick every box going.
I have a slave to wash my black ass called Cut ‘n’ Paste Wayne,
have a massive penis, enjoy the company of cows, magpies and peacocks and
furthermore; adders.
I am free from MSG, high in protein, anti-Scottish, with massive
balls and the grace of an angel. But a black one. But not in an evil way.
I operate on a banter level of 9.68, which has been officially
verified. However, I think it was tad wind assisted that day and as I’m such a
fucking perfectionist, I am going to have a go at beating that score when I’m
inside; in the bullpen.
My nose ring is made of pure platinum. Its deep rich colour offsets
my blacked up self superbly. As I’ve already mentioned, I’m beautiful.
Aberdeen Angus can also come in ginger. But we don’t talk about
that. WE NEVER TALK ABOUT THAT. Those cracker-ass versions are not welcome in
my farm yard.
Yes I’m arrogant, yes I can be judgemental but when you have
achieved all that I have achieved with still some way to go you can afford to
be.
I once smashed one hundred cattle in three days and didn’t even get
aids. Or thrush or discharge or anything. That was back when I used to get
whored out to other farms to meet a significantly large demand.
I had my own pimped out ifor Williams top quality transporter which
was toed by a John Deere 8530! You needed THAT much power to haul me up some of
the hills round here!
Yeah, I’m that dense!
Inside my wagon I had top quality hay produced by some of the best
post teen (ish) stable girls you will ever see.
ifor Williams: Palace on wheels
However so much as they are lean and pink they can be annoying when
they clip my winning rosettes to the side of my head colar, it can be a tad
disorientating. But I don’t care that much because when they clip them on me I
can smell them close up. The sweat smell has a richness to it at that age.
Stable girls: Sweet smelling
However one apprentice bird once took a fucking liberty and pasted
a few diamantes onto my head colar….. Yes it looked pretty but we have a
principal at stake here gang… so I pasted her back in a really nasty way by
arranging a date for her with our own resident pony tailed weirdo Cut ‘n’ Paste
Wayne!
Ha! She now works in Boots…. Reckons there isn’t enough hygiene
related products going to wash the memories of that one off.
Gutted bitch!
Its great down here on the farm. I have lots of amazing friends who
mean the world to me. The guy who owns the gaff lives miles away and is into
tractor pulling, so that’s ok with me! The farm manager is easy to manipulate,
but I think she’s doing some sort of online course thing to stop that?
Life long learning and all that, Jock Strappers!
Although, nowadays data back up is usually cloud based, or
computers with massive hard drives, yet the farm office is scattered with blank
DVD’s and is now really well lit?
She must have some really big assignments I guess.
So when you get people as fucking cool as us lot you get bell-end antagonists
hell bent on disrupting things. You get hangers on, and people sticking their
fucking noses in.
So hear this from me: To anyone who reckons they can disrupt things
round here:
-
We are in balance now, I lead
and others follow. I am very powerful. I have powerful friends too and I am
scared of nothing!
Except perhaps….
Badgers: Bring death to cows
TOMORROW: THE ADDER BITES!
Jerry the Adder: 'Too hard for hibernation'.
My good friend Jerry the Adder (Too hard for hibernation) wants to
help you detox this January! Yes, all you Xmas excess fatties take note…. Jerry’s
expertise in food is going to help you get through it!
twitter.com/jockthebull
- @jockthebull
twitter.com/jockthebull
- @jockthebull
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