5 BU'UULL RINGS!

Boo!

I’m back in charge of blog output for today! And boy have I got some bollocks to talk to you lot!

The cunting silage has been late every day this week. its been a fucking travesty!

And it doesn’t taste right either; God knows what they are duping me into eating. It’s probably laced with Ritalin; People say I find it hard to behave myself at the best of times.

Oh well, if it carries on like this ill just bust into the grain store, jack up on oats and see what happens – hashtag hugely high bpm.

I do not condone stimulant abuse in way shape or form Jock Strappers!

Any way… How do you think old Handsome is getting on with these ‘Reverse Twelve Days’ then?

What a square arsed bastard.

I just though he was a bit of cunt trying to act cool through wearing suites whilst operating telehandlers and flirting with the management. Turns out he’s one of those fucking weirdo trainspotter types off of Aspergers Syndrome ‘an that

I mean, who gives a fuck about what tractors were pulling what in 1987?

What is he on?

Man there are some fucking weirdo’s round here!

Take the new guy, Frosty Fabio, the Frightened Pheasant! He’s on the run from some gangster type used car dealers from Essex. The poor cunt thinks he’s going to be safe here ?!

I shouldn’t jest really; he gets nervous dandruff, hence the call sign. Anxiety is a killer folks. Don’t be getting that.

If you feel down or a little batshit crazy – just think – WHAT WOULD JOCK DO?

Then drop some bombs and swear – Lots!

Soooo…. Five gold rings then:

Now, I know you are expecting me to say something sexual or deviant or both. Truth is I’m going to discuss something completely different.

My mate Dave the Piercer (who doesn’t feature nearly as much as he should) is a jeweller. And he is gay. But that doesn’t affect his metal craft one bit.

We met when I had a horrendous spat with Mad Harry the vet over appropriate bull ring regalia. Mad Harry is all about hygiene, health, science and that and I’m more like, I need to look cool, powerful, trendy and yet slightly artsy.

I though I don’t need a vet to fit this shit, I need a fucking jeweller!!

So I commissioned Dave the Piercer, (who also does labia on humans by the way) to get involved. He designed me some examples and we had a bit of a consultation vibe. However we ended up listening to Liberty X on loud speaker, on a Samsung Galaxy S2 encrusted by diamanté’s. It was awkward.

But… he designed me a lovely ring for my shnoss and I was happy with the outcome. Problem was it was titanium – so fuck that, that’s what old people get in their hip replacements

Next up – Silver – Gave me a fucking rash!

Then – Gold – Colour was not quite right for my black self…..

So we tried… Surgical Steel – Which reminded me too much of Mad Harry the psycho Vet. PS - I really would like to get jealous when he puts his hand up Ermantrude, but half of me still thinks that she will have grown out of being ticklish by now. #needsarealman - To touch the sides.

So our last hope was… Platinum – Standard.

Yes that’s right Jock Strappers my nose ring is platinum!

Beat that you shabby bunch of cunts!