Happy New Year Jock Strappers!
Hope you had a good Xmas! Big thank you to Handsome James for his
shit blog updates regarding ‘The Reverse Twelve Days‘ – You fucking weirdo.
How do you spell strappers any way?
Like this – Strappers?
Like this – Strapers?
Or with a – ‘s?
Drop a comment let me know. I need an editor, so send me your CV! I
may be in a position to secure dome funds to hire one in the New Year!
Speaking of CV’s – I’ve recently sent mine to a well known weekly
farming magazine. I want to broaden my horizons in 2014 and I reckon a stint as
a journo for a while may be the perfect springboard. So, I thought fuck it why
not? Any feedback on the structure or content of my CV is welcomed as I may
pimp myself out and about the mass media a lot more in the short term future. I
will add it to the end of the blog let me know what you think J
So then: Novembers Shenanigans!
(Magpie saviour)
This whole farm ownership thing really did my fucking head in, but luckily
reason prevailed and as usual Knuckles the Magpie turned up to save the day!
Riding a fucking white swan of all things! He is one elegant bastard folks!
Juxtapose that with his dark self and you have the full package I guess! Elegant
darkness! Fuck me Jock Strappers that could the name of his first album! I’m a
genius!
Wander how is marriage is panning out? Fuck marrying a vicar! Talk
about someone who’s bound to harp on the whole time?! BOOM! There is actually
no stopping me today, the end!
Me and Knuckles are catching up New Years Eve any way for a good
gossip. Of course anything he tells me I will publish all over my blog –
Standard!
Me and him met up just before Xmas…. As we went to see Paul
Daniels!! What a legend!!!! Aaand I
would still smash McGee (Hash-tag time of the cougar). During the interval
Knuckles and Daniels took each other on at card counting! Knuckles won of
course as he hid the Ace of Spades in one of his spats! Magical legend versus
magical legend – it was the most epic thing I’ve seen all year!
Daniels and Mcgee: Epic
So then: The farm now!
(Mission to Manheim)
The Dramatic world that encapsulates my very being has been sold to
Lord Augustus. He has installed a new manager; Beth, to oversee operations. On
my advice we have gone into beef jerky production to justify my existence, as
Augustas wanted an arable only operation at first.
We all feared Lord Augustas arrival for two reasons. One; he was in
America hunting big foot! The second he wasn’t go to be around here much,
managing the place long arm from his other estate. So A; he’s a conspiracy
theorist and B; this makes him harder to manipulate. Great.
Worst of all he drives blue and not green! So when the first New
Holland tractor arrived we duly had to burn it. He saw sense after that though…
Turns out he’s alwright! AND well into tractor pulling! How cool is
that?!
Tractor pullers are the fighter pilots of tractor operators. They
go beyond the edge of the envelope, off the desk and through the stationary
cupboard. Although if they are called Cut ‘n’ Paste Wayne they usually don’t
come out again….. Oooooh – such a bitch ;-)
Any way he’s wheeled a 1994 John Deere 8400 half way across
Nebraska and for that I respect him as it’s not even his weapon of choice.
Tractor Pullers: The elite, best of the best
TGK literally worships him. How immature is that?! She’s all over
him like one of her rashes that she gets when people shout at her. I know they
didn’t have comprehensive schools in her day, but she’s behaving like a girl
that would attend one.
Any way bless her; he liked the cut of her gib! He is sending her
to Manheim! Yes you heard that right Jock Strappers…. To fucking the John Deere
factory! There she will drive the best! Pushing the new 7R series all they way
from the envelope to the fucking shredder! He wants a custom tractor platform
to design a tractor puller from scratch! Wants her to buy a Chassis, to convert, It’s going
to epic!
Deere 7310R: Waiting for stationary
Factory: Home of the best
And he’s not a conspiracy theorist either thank fuck!
Turned out he really doesn’t like the idea of advancements in
automation when it comes to agricultural machinery.
The truth is he had been stalking a company called ‘The Autonomous
Tractor Corporation’ based out of North Dakota. They have produced 25
driverless tractors this year! Their software geeks reckon they are at the
forefront of a complete tractor re-design! Their Aspergic computer nerdic cunts
claim that tractor progression has been small scale over the last decades
resulting in massive machines that are too expensive. They also say the cab is
redundant too. Lord Augustus and I say that computer geeks are best placed in
dungeons where they can wank over pictures of their mum’s, wear thick glasses
and be but fucked by… everyone. Because that is what the square cunts deserve.
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Autonomous Tractor Cop's 'Spirit' model: Can get fucked!
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Have you never felt the roar of horsepower personified as you put a
tractor in gear, ease off the clutch and let it do its thing? No. of course you
haven’t, because you don’t understand feelings because you are Aspergic
computer nerds. Stick to World of Warcraft, Freudian issues with your mums and
being single forever.
If you hadn’t guessed by now, automatic tractor computer
developers: You are on Jock’s radar. Be scared. That is all.
Lord Augustus has the codes to your main frame – gutted.
So then: The weather!
(Horse Cunts)
It’s been stormy and wet of late. I like a bit of wind though, it
gets the female cows a bit jumpy! I kinda like that when I come up behind them
by surprise…it adds to the tension…. OOOOOSH!
Any way the last thing you would catch me doing is harping on about
how fucking bad the conditions are! Saturated fields, flooded farm yards are
all good with me.. Except when Beth the manager instructs Handsome James to
hose down my muddy balls!
I worry about him doing that, I think he likes it too much.
Sometimes I turn my head when he’s doing it, and he’s really focusing hard on
the task… like really staring at my balls, as he sprays them. It’s creepy.
Could be worse though, could be Dave the Piercer washing them, because I know
for a fact he’s a raving queer. Any way, they are clean, massive and empty most
of the time.
So, horse cunts harp on about the conditions. (you have to write or
say the word ‘cunt’ when ever talking about horses (cunts) because they are
cunts).
Handsome James: Likes to touch
I was aghast when I saw Dorset’s finest – Dorset Fire and Rescue,
all over twitter saving some horse cunts from a flooded field after the storms.
What a bunch of nonsing cuntish excuses for farm workers.
I mean what the fuck? They even refuse to make plough nowadays! –
Do you even know who much it costs to buy a reversible plough for a tractor to
pull?!
Tractor mounted plough: Costs nuff!
Horses: Are cunts
Lazy moaning horse cunts. I’d be embarrassed to fuck, if fireman had
to rescue me! Well to be fair a whole crew of muscle Mary fire man wouldn’t be
able to rescue my black ass from shit!
I’m so heavy with topside brawn they would need to get the National
Guard in > Fact! We are talking helicopters, the lot – Those massive ones
with two blades. Horses are cunts. Believe that.
So then: The Antagonists
(Under-Card Playerz)
Well poor old Solent Jen appears to be hooked on our dramatic
world. After the events of last month she has grown ever more investigative
bless her. You can usually find her remote controlling some kind of cheap
Amazon inspired quad copter, flying it over my field as I smash the hell out of
Armantude… (And her friends). She reckons she will catch me illustrating my
ability to talk and boss humans around. But I reckon she’s pretty much into
animal action myself. And fair play! I’m not ready to judge her yet, her
cleavage is currently scoring a 7.69. As soon as it breaks 8 I think I will need
to see those babies for real. If they score high in an actualisation way, I may
even get her that interview she would bend over backwards to get! – Hash-tag - If that happened I would seriously skewer
it.
Alan and Sharon Buzzard are going to be incredible to work with. I
know they speared my best friend – Frank the Peacock but they are such a bunch
of cunts its actually quite comedic. They are currently living in a caravan in
north Wiltshire, plotting to get back in the area somehow. I’m looking forward
to it personally… Because…Well I’m lost for words, they are literally THAT
dysfunctional – I mean what the fuck, HOW OLD IS SHE IN RELATION TO HIM? #childline #banardos #socialservices
Remember what I said about my CV? Its below – please take a look
:0)
Jock the Bull
Augustus Farm, Clundy, Dorset.
jockthebull.blogspot.co.uk
jockthebull.tumblr.com
twitter.com/jockthebull - @jockthebull
Profile
Powerful and influential Stock Bull with immense stamina and
incredible lines. Creative and loyal with a huge online presence and a massive
following. Analytical and judgemental with security experience and a strong
will for rural justice. Resilient and productive with a truly spectacular
output. Fit and hard working with a beautiful nose ring and massive balls.
Employment history
2011 to Present: Augustus Estates and Enterprises Limited: Stock
Bull
·
Duties include, well you know the
drill ;-) #smashit
·
Additional duties include: Show
work, 2014 calendar TBC: All enquiries to go through my agent: Handsome James –
roager_2@hotmail.com
·
Farm security: Coordinates and
delivers full vigilante response to fuel thefts, sometimes wears cape
·
Diversification management:
implemented and took to market new beef jerky venture, encompassing a strong
brand identity and 3 varieties, yum!
Voluntary work
Agricultural Journalist and Commentator: Self employed.
·
Successfully manages and
contributes to the above-mentioned blogs.
·
Full website in development for
January 2014: jockthebull.com
·
Edits submissions from guest
writers and manages alternative monthly segments
Key achievements
·
Successful social media
straplines, including: ‘The fruit of my loins single headedly keeps Burger King
in business’, ‘The Adder Bites’ and ‘Too hard for hibernation’.
·
Over 200 daily visits to main
blog
·
A LOT of rosettes
Key skills
·
Power: (I am very Powerful)
·
Social media wizz:(The internet
loves me, the end)
·
Stamina: (I can go for hours)
·
Leadership: (I walk, others
follow)
Hobbies
I like to swear, a lot. It’s been hard not say cunt up to press,
but all farm workers say it and all farm managers think it. If you want to read
my blog, please prepare yourself for this. I also like airfix kits, learning
new languages, cake and John Deere’s.
