Community events can be half arsed or full on. Fate’s
slight of hand can deliver you punters in abundance or a truly flimsy turnout.
Luckily our little steak festival went extremely well. Mrs Black’s Beef Jerky
was truly guilty as charged!
Our farm will now be producing “Black Jerky”. We
intend to market it as the first mass-produced beef jerky product in the UK.
The jury respected its subtleness, authentic texture and genuine beefy flavour.
Loads of fun was had and the chilled atmosphere let
some characters of the community flourish…
So I think its only proper to explore some of these
characters in a little more depth. You know all my good friends – and enemies
now, but you don’t know the extended array of shenanigans that happen both here
on the farm and the surrounding villages. So I intend to give you a run down on
some of these fringe players, assassins and eccentrics.
#5
The Reverend B.S Jenson-Clarke
This fucking prick has been the vicar here for the
best part of twenty years. In that time I have met countless postmen delivering
phallic shape objects to the vicarage on a nigh-on weekly basis addressed to
him personally. The good reverend once explained to me that he is fond
collector of cacti and that he gets them in from the states mail order. Yeah
right you fucking peaodo why don’t you just admit to a fondness for anal play? I
often look at his poor wife in despair and think how the poor bitch must feel
as she drills his asshole on a consistent basis with whatever in vogue dildo
comes to market. Any way this brings me on to my next victim…..
Nuff Said.
#4
Camille Black– The Antiques Dealer
This shit head will sell her own mother one day. She
dresses like an absolute penis, wearing petrol blue chords with sued jackets,
brogues and skull and cross bones bandana’s as a neck ties. Bell end. Any way she
told me the other day that the vicar’s wife bought a rhino skull that she had smuggled
out of Asia. God knows what will become of the poor rhino but rest assured – I
will fight for your last rights brother! Your majestic horns were not design
for vicar’s bum holes.
Bargain.
#3
Dave – The Piercer
I know he’s part of my main crew but I feel we need
to explore a little back ground to this raving Gaylord. Dave is a trained
artist but turned into a piss artist ten years ago when he was totally
humiliated in an audition for Pop Stars: The Rivals. He thought he was so
scene, so here and now, that he decided to rock out to some Roni size and
Represent. In his audition he put a a reggae twist on their classic hit: “Dirty
beats”. It backfired. He was humiliated on ITV 1 prime time and poor old Dave
hit the bottle. It wasn’t until he booked himself into re-hab, got him self dry
and learnt a new skill that he found his true vocation. Ok he’s a fucking
bender, but he has been sorting bulls out with great nose rings since 2009.
Keep up the good work Dave, you queer arsed soak of a man.
Bender.
#2
Discount Dennis – The Black Mamba
This fucking cunt makes Camille Black look like a
saint. Yes he’s a captive but some say that he killed his owner five years ago
and employs lookalikes to go about the housework and make it look like he’s
still here with us. This snake has made serious cash from being a deadly
assassin. One bite will severely fuck you up. Literally if you are not living
next door to A & E you will die very quickly. Don’t go thinking that this
killing machine is straight up either. He’s a manipulative motherfucker who
thrives on importing African art from poor god help me villages, paying them in
“protection”. He then sells his wears in upmarket milf-tastic type shops, where
the yummy mummies of the area think they are getting a great deal. This dude is
untrustworthy, unduly aggressive, controlling, manipulative and deadly. He now
works for me. But that’s another story……
Discount will fuck you up soon as look at you.
#1
Ermantrude The Angus – Fuck Of The Century
As a but naked Michael Douglas once remarked during
an awkward yet bullish encounter with his newly ruined one night stands’
lesbian fuck buddy “I think she’s the fuck of the century”….
…..Ermantrude The Angus re-defined casual sex, just
like old micky D did in the afore mentioned Basic Instinct. As a colleague I
wouldn’t say she had your back in a difficult situation however, she is up for
it, most of the time. I have had 9 children by her and they in turn have
offered Burger King customers Jocktastic value for flavour, if they are part of
the lucky few that get to chow down on my bloodline.
she is ripe - most of the time!
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