BLUE BOY WONDER

Sometimes you have a conversation that pisses you off so much that you remember it word for fucking word. I met this prick the other day claiming to be a police officer. Turns out he’s been assigned to our area. Well to be fair I need a boy wonder……..

ME: So you are a ‘rural policeman’ right?

HIM: My god a talking cow!

ME: Bull actually, the massive balls kind of give that away….

HIM: Wow, they are massive.

ME: Ever burnt a gypsies child?

HIM: What?!

ME: I have; proper branded the little cunt. And you cant do shit.

HIM: Listen I went into policing to give everyone a fair a shout.

ME: Yeah? Is that why you have a Ford Focus panda car and not a police Landrover? Sounds like someone’s not being fair to you mate, sounds like someone’s down right taking the piss to me.

HIM: I cant believe I’m talking to a bull!

ME: Look mate, to be fair you’re going to be in for a few surprises if this village falls into your new patch

-           You will need a Landrover

HIM: Dorset Police can't afford for me to have one.

ME: If I crush your panda car will they get you a Landrover?

HIM: That’s vandalism.

ME: No its not, the UK criminal justice system is for humans only.

HIM: Well we destroy dangerous dogs…..

ME: Yes but the offence is for the owners. And besides dogs can’t fight back

HIM: They are dangerous though.

ME: Ever tried to destroy a bull against its will mate? Now shut the fuck the up – you clearly don’t know what you are talking about or what you have got involved in. just hear this: Get a fucking Landrover > with a blue light, know that I am the first port of call for crime fighting round here and we will get on just fine.

HIM: Listen > I don’t need to take this from a farm animal. Show some respect, know that I have a station full of coppers to call on if there are any issues round here and know that we work very closely with the RSPCA too – If you catch my drift. Plus I have a rather large trunction

ME: Which is a quarter of the size of my cock mate, besides I don’t need a trunction, I’ve got a discount…

HIM: A what?

ME: A friend, a friend that you don’t want to meet. He hates everyone, especially humans, especially man humans and especially man human coppers. So what with you being top of his list and him being a deadly black mamba who works for me and with me being able to pay him good, shut the fuck up, get in your Ford Focus, go back to your sergeant, get a Landrover and prepare to burn some gypsy cunts. That’s how we do things round here - You follow? ….>>> twitter.com/jockthebull

                                      Retro-Chic policing - This would work OK round here

                                                  This would be more effective 

                                                     But not this - Never this!