BACK ON THE GRID

Frank The Peacock is my best friend. We all know that he is a highly committed public servant. However, the service he risks his life for in these worldly sour times can be dangerous and life threatening. It’s all kicked off and he’s now on a mission fraught with danger.

Instead of telling me he was off to risk his feathers HE WROTE ME A FUCKING LETTER!

Is this best friend behaviour – what do you think?

Dear Jock,

I hate to have to write to you like this but things have escalated very quickly and I know that as a result of what I am about to do, you would have only tried your best to talk me out of it.

Jock, the truth is I’ve to go back on the grid.

My identity has been compromised thanks to a leaked dossier that’s fallen into the wrong hands. For the last two weeks, I have had to have some extreme security as protection undertaken by the army.

The wrong sort of people know who I am now and they have promised to take me apart feather by feather.

The only thing I can do my friend is face this evil foe head on, hunt them down and destroy them. I refuse to be in protective custody for the rest of my life.

This is going to take a long time and I will need to travel far and wide to infiltrate this network. I intend to bring them down one by one, from the inside.

Your friendship means the world to me and we have faced many challenges in the past together. But I must face this one alone old friend. This mission is perilous and full of danger, but trust in me that my deadly skills will prevail and this evil will cease.

I will be in contact at some point, I can’t say where or how.

Take care Jock, I will be thinking of you often,

Your best friend,

Frank.

P.S Be rest assured: In my absence, the farm will still be protected……….

 This has made me feel like shit. Frank can be deadly, there’s no doubt about that, but I will worry my massive balls off whilst he’s bringing down this unknown threat.

So to calm my nerves I have made a batch of my special spicy pumpkin chutney. Make this and I will rock your fucking world. Don’t mess around with quantities, do as I say and cold meets, curry’s and cheese sandwiches will be changed for the better, 31.

You will need:

• ·      5lbs of pumpkin – either dice it or scrape it as meat when you are making lanterns
• ·      1lb of butternut squash – diced
• ·      2 red onions – bigger than your average
• ·      1 level tablespoon of turmeric
• ·      ½ a tablespoon of ground cloves
• ·      4 tablespoons of hot curry powder
• ·      3 table spoons of mustard powder
• ·      300 g of walnuts
• ·      1 pint of cider vinegar
• ·      1 and a ½ lbs of molasses
• ·      A little oil
• ·      A caldron 

You will need to do:

• ·      Fry the onions until soft.
• ·      Add the rest of the ingredients….
• ·      Bring it all to the boil on a high heat and then simmer until it reaches a jam like    consistency. Don’t worry if there is a little liquid left in caldron at the end.
• ·      When simmering keep reducing the heat slowly. Stir the batch gently with a wooden spoon throughout the process, kinda like four play. You know the drill.

This should make enough to fill about a dozen small jars. Put the jars in the oven at 100 degrees C for about twenty minutes, before filling them with the best thing to happen to a cheese sandwich since my dear fuck buddy Ermantrude began lactating for the first time.

If you don’t heat the jars > They will break.

The important bit:

I used to be all about the sugar… It has to be as unrefined as possible…. Such as muscavado or molasses. But then I realised… Sugar is just one component of the preserving process. It’s the vinegar that denotes itself as the lock to the sugars key. Cider vinegar is the weapon of choice for this recipe. Try and find subtle cider vinegar. I know that sounds a bit arse around face. A subtle apple taste is the way forward when penetrating the hard surface of the walnuts and transforming them into absorbent tasty hosts.

All in all my chutney is a great remedy when you are truly fucked off. Try and eat it with white bread, using mild or medium grated cheese.

I’m going to fuck off now and head to generajimmi’s pub opening, Halloween celebrating autumn festival at The Happy Pumpkin. I get the feeling its going to be a hell of a night……