THE HAPPY PUMPKIN

The other night I decided to take a midnight walk out of my field and around the village. There has been an eerie atmosphere about the place for quite some time now, so I thought I would investigate a little more….

My first port of call was the village graveyard. There didn’t seem to be anything untoward happening at first, but as I approached the church the flood lights triggered and out came Dave The Piercer from behind a gravestone, falling on his face; trousers and Tweetie Pie boxer shorts round his ankles and wearing an army hat.

Reckons he was getting changed after a hard night removing moss from gravestones.

Just then I heard the distinct sound of tin on stone and the Reverend B.S. Jenson Clarke poked his head from around the same gravestone. He started going on about how he dropped his lunch box as he was trying to help Dave up. Reckons Dave had called him saying he had forgotten his sandwiches and that it was going to be a long job...

Late night grave cleaning I don’t think, more like late night grave polishing if you get my drift…And to think he’s offered me a sandwich at lunch before when working on the farm…:-/

I walked past Where Knuckles The Magpie is being kept in the led casket underground and just shouted “You’re a CUNT” at the top of my voice, in the general direction as to where he is festering. Made me feel better….31.

Walked on past Frank The Peacock’s bachelor pad to find a load of army lorries parked outside? Weird.

I ended up strolling into the farmyard. The light was on in the farm office so I sneaked up to the window and peered into the corner where the blind had broken. Sat there, were Discount Dennis and Jerry The Adder getting fucked on vodka jelly and magic mushrooms.

So I busted in and invited myself to partake, as there was plenty to go around. They were ahead of me but I soon caught up as I just snorted a load to start with, downed some of the vodka too. We recorded a small snippet of the wasted conversation that transpired on Jerry’s iPhone…

Discount: I’ve seen a UFO before, landed in my back garden. It was white.

Me: Fuck off you over exaggerating African twat.

Jerry: Open up old boy, stranger things have happened round here.

(Bites head off magic mushroom, chases it with a lump of Cathedral City and a shot of vodka jelly)

Discount: Calling me a fucking liar?

Me: Yep

Discount: The last person to call me a liar went the way of the mushroom…

Me: What covered in shite, like what your talking?

Discount: Whatever Jock you tartan wearing coon, it drove away any way

Jerry: when was this old been?

Discount: earlier this evening, pretty much before I came here….

Me: Oh fucking Jesus, did this “UFO” look like a Ford Focus estate by any chance?

Discount: come to think of it….

Me: That fucking Policeman….

Discount: do you want me to add him to the killing list mate, That Princess Cara’s still on there, just waiting for the go ahead mate… and can I rape her first? I won’t charge you any extra.

Me: Yep.

Any way the night progressed and we ended up booting up the farm computers and having a SERIOUS porn sesh. Then Discount hacked his girlfriend’s twitter and ended up tweeting all sorts of rubbish about how loose she was for a snake and how he likes to bite her face when they sleep together! She must be fucking hardcore as his venom is insanely horrendous! Turns out she’s a King Cobra! God help us if those two ever pissed up in the local and have a miss match!

Speaking of WITCH…. (31)

Our local – formally The Bishops Ring has now been bought by a co-operative of people from the village. It wasn’t doing that well under the previous regime so the owners fucked off and put it on the open market.

The co-operative leader is the mysterious ‘generaljimmi’.

He’s not hands on with the running of the place but takes more of a creative lead. I met him in the field the other day when he was photographing my penis. Reckons its blacker than his cottage doorknocker!

He’s very media savvy and has been training me not to abuse gypsycunts on twitter but to:

“Utilise its social capital by tweeting about current events in a broad and universally understandable, acceptable and indiscriminate way.”

I still get to say fuck but I’m not allowed to be racist. I almost told him to kiss my black ass but then I thought Rio Ferdinand is going to be all over my twitter if I toe the line a bit. Maximum shares and re-tweets. Love it.

So… generaljimmi has taken it upon himself to lead the local’s marketing campaign too. He’s changed the name from The Bishop’s Ring to the Happy Pumpkin! A local artist has made a brilliant sign depicting a pumpkin lantern and he intends to have the inaugural Happy Pumpkin autumn festival on frickin Halloween!!

It was going to conflict with that boxersise event down on the farm, but it turns out he’s gone and done a deal with her royal highness Princess fuck face to have the after party at the pub. It’s going to be messy….I’ve got a strange feeling already… 31.

Big up generaljimmi though for possibly making a silk purse out of a sows ear as that pub was on it knees.

It’s not just my cock he likes to photograph in hi-def! The general also makes HD videos of farm related shizz too…why not have a look – its proper voyeurism and not a single black dick in sight!

http://www.youtube.com/user/generaljimmi

Next week I’m going to run through with you how to make spicy pumpkin chutney. This stuff is great with cold meat or hot winter’s curry! Its not overly spicy so if you make it now it will be nicely matured for Christmas and it will work a treat with the cold boxing day meat leftovers!

Remember I’m all about the taste…. So I won't let you down with the flavours!

Its also amazing in a cheeky cheese sarnay ;-) –  And don’t get any ideas Dave you sandwich feltching filthy homo!