So it was TGK’s birthday last week and I wanted to buy her something nice. She is a good friend of mine and has advised me well over the time I have known her. Yeah we have done some crazy things but as ex fighter pilot tractor drivers go, she’s quite down to earth, very street wise, has travelled the world but is not at all well rounded – she said the diets going really well ;-)
Now in the past I may have been immortalised in people’s thoughts as amazing, confident, intelligent, beautiful, graceful, black, articulate, political, not gay, witty, understanding and valiant.
However sometimes I can be a little judgemental, a little over analytical and above all – and only sometimes - a little dismissive. Oh and I say cunt too much too.
Another downside to my character Jock lovers is that I can be a bit too literal. Some of you may link that to being gullible and yes you are all cunts for doing so.
So as TGK stands for Top Gun Kes. I thought TGK must have been a US Naval Aviator and studied at TOP GUN – The former US Navy Fighter Weapons School for the elite, (best of the best). Students flew the F14 ‘Tomcat’ – right to the edge of envelope.
This aircraft was a majestic two seater interceptor jet designed to travel at speed and search and destroy enemy planes on an air to air basis. The F14 was Launched from US aircraft carriers, had its maiden flight in 1970 and subsequently stared in the 1986 Tony Scot film TOP GUN. It saw action post September 11 in Afghanistan, using its newly fitted Low Altitude Navigation and Targeting Infrared for Night (LANTARN) pod system and subsequently diversified to perform precision ground-attack missions.
Thus, in its latter years it became a very versatile option and was sadly retired from service in 2006 after achieving a great heritage, cult status and three different variants.
F14 'Tomcat' Majestic versatility
TOP GUN - Great film
In 1976 however, the US sold a load to our good friends the Iranians - I think they were mates with them, back then.
The Iranians still have theirs on the go and the Americans have all but buried or destroyed any of their own working Tomcats due to them still being flown around the desert by our Iranian compardrés. So I would need to approach Tehran in order to order one for TGK’s surprise birthday gift!
Obviously travelling to the Middle East is a no go as I’m black and I’ve heard they are all racists!
So I phoned up the Iranian embassy in London asking if I could buy a Tomcat and get it shipped over. Not a working one, but a fucked one, or one they would only just be sticking on eBay for spares or repairs. Thought it could be a kind of artistic tribute to TGK’s past – she could put it in her garden or we could put it on yonder hill. It would look nice.
To my surprise they seemed very keen to talk to me!
I didn’t feel like I was colluding with the enemy, but merely two respectable business people negotiating over a product. Well I’m a business bull and they were business Arabs
Iraninas - Buisness minded
FRAAAAAAAAAAAAANK!!!
He wouldn’t say how Frank The Peacock was getting on in the field but told me not to buy arms from the middle east as it could quite easily cause an international disturbance. What a prick. They seemed alwright?
Any way it turns out TGK didn’t even study at TOP GUN. In fact she’s not American, nor an ex US Naval Aviator. Turns out she used to fly for the fucking Russians! #whoknew. A pilot of fortune; that’s right a gun for hire! - Against the very enemy of TOP GUN! Good work if you can get it.
- She’ll disclose loads when she’s drunk and I believe her.
NEXT WEEK: "DIARIES OF THE DARK ONE" - Yes thats right, ive found Knuckles The Magpie's secret diary! and im going to leak some extracts hahaha!
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