I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Knuckles the Magpie is
one dark bastard. We have sent him into oblivion yet he has returned, we have
buried him alive in a lead casket and he busted out.
When the snow came earlier this year he came back. He has been
laying dormant ever since, like a subdued volcano waiting to wreak havoc on
those dwelling on its sides.
Why do people dwell on the sides of fire mountains… because the
soil is usually fertile and productive, that’s why.
And when you hang on the flanks of Knuckles, when he’s not
violently erupting, you get fertile back up. Not in a gay way but having a
powerful pagan in your corner is never a bad move.
He’s been very detached since he has retuned. I’ve literally seen
him fly over once and apparently he doesn’t even jump out on motorists at the
roundabout heading into town to hex them any more.
So what’s wrong with him?
I know we have really clamped down on him, but the scary thing
about Knuckles is, that he doesn’t have an ego. He steps up and takes it. He
never boasts.
Any way, a couple of weeks a go I got the fucking shock of my
life!!
I found a random book in my field. It had a black leather binding and
on the first page it said ‘A magpie’s diary’. As I began to read through I
realised that this was a diary. It was Knuckles’ personal diary!
After digesting all that was written in it I concluded that this
magpie needs to seriously hire a crane, build a bridge and get the fuck over
it!
Let me give you some insight into his troubled mind:
We are moving towards a more
spiritually engaging time. More people are learning about their inner self
through either becoming involved in left field religions or just feeling more
spiritually connected. I’m worried that this is caused by a growing amount of
adversity in people’s lives. Many are facing ever-harder challenges with regard
to money, work, the cost of training and social mobility.
I have always developed my
spiritual self and on occasion it has caused me to do some very crafty things
if you get my drift. However I can only see things getting worse round here and
I hope some of my friends on the farm can seek some solace in a more spiritual
approach when they do.
What the fuck?
I foresee Matt The Farmer
wanting to dramatically downsize meat production. I think he wants to cease
dairy altogether and I think he will drastically reduce the size of the beef
heard. So much so in fact, that I don’t think he will even need a stock bull.
This is why I had to get rid of the bison. Jock may think he has Matt wrapped
round his hoof but he doesn’t.
Yeah. Whatever you reckon you fucking self absorbed magical retard.
So lets clear something up
from the get go. I didn’t mean to shoot Frank The Peacock that day. Princess
Cara was more powerful than me and our families do have beef. I’m just not a
strong enough magpie to resolve it all…Yet. I hold everyone on that farm deer
to my heart but I cannot let them know this. I need cover of darkness in order
to seem credible. I have a constant battle with emotion and this stems from my
childhood.
I left in the autumn, not
because of those redneck snakes but because I had to go away and gain strength,
knowledge and compassion. In all seriousness, I could have taken them one
winged to be honest. I had to rediscover myself once more. So I thought I would
live it up with some of the migrators and as Jock would say ‘fucked off to
Africa for a right laugh’.
Erm, I think they actually quite beasted you, you fuck whit.
It was a good trip and I met
some amazingly cool dudes. Some of them are coming back here, to the farm.
These folk on the farm need enlightenment and I have arranged for some rather
amazing animals to come here over the next few months, to show them a side to
life they never knew existed
I’m sorry but I really can’t put up with any moaning fucking
Africans moving to this farm. This will not be happening, not in my back farmyard
But now to more pressing
concerns. I have seen the future. I can’t help it I have ‘the gift’, passed
down through generations of magpies that have the curse of foresight. I see it
as a curse an not a gift and it has got in the way of those I have loved and
lost over the years. Il get to the point, one of the main crew is going to die.
I am too messed up about it to even write their name. It’s going to cause a lot
of devastation and its not going to be pretty.
Get fucked Knuckles, we are all safe as houses here! Uh-oh
FRAAAAAAANK!
If anyone in
the future reads this just remember, it’s all true. If you see me alone you
will have a bad day. If you see Princess Cara and me together you will have a
great day. If you see me, Princess Cara and my four brothers, you are going to
become fucking richer than your wildest dreams. And if you see me, Princess
Cara, my brothers and my first love Sparkles The Magpie just remember to keep
your fucking mouth shut!
Who the fuck is Sparkles? This guy keeps no secrets!!! And bye bye
tough exterior you overly emotional cunt. Well he’s going to want this back. I’m
assuming he must have dropped it when he flew over. He will be looking for it I
have no doubt……
next week: my guide to night birds. Not whores but actual birds that stay up late and talk absolute shite!
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