Its bloody freezing. It’s been bloody freezing all winter and its March now and I’m fucking sick of it.
The east wind has been blowing. The east wind is the mother fucker of all winds as it goes beyond cold. It goes beyond that brutal cold of the north wind, perhaps not out accelerating it but hitting you with a ferocity that only Mother Nature herself can conjure up. And she’s a bitch. I think Handsome James dated her once when he was going through one his ‘phases’. The east wind is like having razor blades blasted at you by a wind tunnel, causing consistent yet scattered lacerations all over your face, sirloin and rump.
Weather like this is not normal.
So, I have been looking at how this has been affecting farmers up and down the country.
At least we have had a period of dryness with these gruelling Siberian conditions. So what do we do best in winter time when this happens?
Why combing and baling of course! Yes that’s right Jock lovers combines were literality out in February cutting bean crops that should have been gathered in autumn but back then conditions were wet. Same applies for the balers too. I never thought I would see this happening. It got me thinking seriously about climate change and that. Firstly is it all a big conspiracy and are these weather conditions being imposed on us? Secondly how is our climate going to change in the future?
To be fair if you had asked me this last year I would have told you to do one. Ok I care about the farm and how it can make food for the masses, but in all honestly I’m not really a cereals producer if you get what I mean. I’m a burger producer. The best in the fucking business to boot and really, a wet august to me just means I’m prone to fuck in a shed and not in a field.
However, since I have been in the field and subsequently lacked a fucking shed I’m all for fighting the cause. Whatever that cause is. I’ve got enough strength to stop the planet going round, so I should be able to sort out climate change.
I jest. I am busy with other freedom fighting missions at the moment and I wanted to give you an update. The horse cunt meat scandal has got the nation believing in British produce again and as standard small time farmers are moaning about costs.
No one has picked up the cause of the masses of people who can’t afford to go in Waitrose who need a healthy lifestyle in order to keep their hard working hands in the melting pot.
So me and the horse cunts had a meeting to plan how we can work together to educate lower class scum bags on the ways of good meat. There are only three horse cunts on my farm. They are both owned by Matt The Farmers good lady wife and all three of them are cunts.
In ascending size order there is Miramar the Shetland pony horse cunt. I’m not even joking, he is literally named after TGK’s school. How that happened God knows. Any way he’s too short to help and I think he may also be a little bit gay, so he’s definitely not helping. He would get eaten alive by the council house dwellers and they are not ready to move onto rare yet.
Then there is Rambler's Dream, again, straight up that’s his name. He’s an ex race horse cunt who has been put out to pasture. He’s ignorant, over opinionated, right wing and… a cunt….. Unique to this farm I tell ya. Lastly there’s Dave. Yes. Dave the Horse (cunt). A horse called Dave. They refer to him as a hunter. I refer to him as a cunt. I don’t like horses; you may have got this by now.
So it’s safe to say the first meeting was a little bit frosty. I pulled Jerry the Adder out of hibernation to mediate. He nearly died, it was funny watching him get all ‘delirius’. Although I swear he had some female monitor lizards in there. Hibernation’s just one big orgy really, big up our over sexed reptilian friends, get in there!
A contract was drawn up that we would all be nice to each other and that was that. Our first mission is to do a little bit of content analysis before we actually start to engage with the lower classes. We need to build up to this and I may even need some speech and language lessons.
We are interested in value. What farmers think is good value for high quality protein as opposed to what consumers think is good value for top class British protein laced product. And this is price at the pump so to speak. So firstly I’m going ask some farmers how much they think meat should be. To keep things simple, we will keep it revolving around me: So, what is a fair price for a British born, British slaughtered Aberdeen Angus rump steak? Taking all costs into account such as feed, wages, utilities, new Nissan Narava’s, posh country farm house kitchens, Sky TV, Aga’s, tractor porn and Barbour jackets.
- All vital costs for keeping meat expensive.
The horses come into action during phase two of my totally impartial sociological study. When we actually meet and greet some poor people. Should be a blast!
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