Frank The Peacock is my best friend. We all know that he is a highly committed public servant. However, the service he risks his life for in these worldly sour times can be dangerous and life threatening. It’s all kicked off and he’s now on a mission fraught with danger.
Instead of telling me he was
off to risk his feathers HE WROTE ME A FUCKING LETTER!
Is this best friend
behaviour – what do you think?
Dear Jock,
I hate to have to write to
you like this but things have escalated very quickly and I know that as a
result of what I am about to do, you would have only tried your best to talk me
out of it.
Jock, the truth is I’ve to
go back on the grid.
My identity has been compromised
thanks to a leaked dossier that’s fallen into the wrong hands. For the last two
weeks, I have had to have some extreme security as protection undertaken by the
army.
The wrong sort of people
know who I am now and they have promised to take me apart feather by feather.
The only thing I can do my
friend is face this evil foe head on, hunt them down and destroy them. I refuse
to be in protective custody for the rest of my life.
This is going to take a long
time and I will need to travel far and wide to infiltrate this network. I
intend to bring them down one by one, from the inside.
Your friendship means the
world to me and we have faced many challenges in the past together. But I must
face this one alone old friend. This mission is perilous and full of danger,
but trust in me that my deadly skills will prevail and this evil will cease.
I will be in contact at some
point, I can’t say where or how.
Take care Jock, I will be
thinking of you often,
Your best friend,
Frank.
P.S Be rest assured: In my
absence, the farm will still be protected……….
This has made me feel like
shit. Frank can be deadly, there’s no doubt about that, but I will worry my
massive balls off whilst he’s bringing down this unknown threat.
So to calm my nerves I have
made a batch of my special spicy pumpkin chutney. Make this and I will rock
your fucking world. Don’t mess around with quantities, do as I say and cold
meets, curry’s and cheese sandwiches will be changed for the better, 31.
You will need:
- · 5lbs of pumpkin – either dice it or scrape it as meat when you are making lanterns
- · 1lb of butternut squash – diced
- · 2 red onions – bigger than your average
- · 1 level tablespoon of turmeric
- · ½ a tablespoon of ground cloves
- · 4 tablespoons of hot curry powder
- · 3 table spoons of mustard powder
- · 300 g of walnuts
- · 1 pint of cider vinegar
- · 1 and a ½ lbs of molasses
- · A little oil
- · A caldron
You will need to do:
- · Fry the onions until soft.
- · Add the rest of the ingredients….
- · Bring it all to the boil on a high heat and then simmer until it reaches a jam like consistency. Don’t worry if there is a little liquid left in caldron at the end.
- · When simmering keep reducing the heat slowly. Stir the batch gently with a wooden spoon throughout the process, kinda like four play. You know the drill.
This should make enough to
fill about a dozen small jars. Put the jars in the oven at 100 degrees C for
about twenty minutes, before filling them with the best thing to happen to a
cheese sandwich since my dear fuck buddy Ermantrude began lactating for the
first time.
If you don’t heat the jars
> They will break.
The important bit:
I used to be all about the
sugar… It has to be as unrefined as possible…. Such as muscavado or molasses.
But then I realised… Sugar is just one component of the preserving process.
It’s the vinegar that denotes itself as the lock to the sugars key. Cider
vinegar is the weapon of choice for this recipe. Try and find subtle cider
vinegar. I know that sounds a bit arse around face. A subtle apple taste is the
way forward when penetrating the hard surface of the walnuts and transforming
them into absorbent tasty hosts.
All in all my chutney is a
great remedy when you are truly fucked off. Try and eat it with white bread,
using mild or medium grated cheese.
I’m going to fuck off now
and head to generajimmi’s pub opening, Halloween celebrating autumn festival at The Happy Pumpkin. I
get the feeling its going to be a hell of a night……