RECKIE TO ROMANIA

Its fucking hot Jock Strapper’s !

Out here in the field temperatures have been exceeding thirty degrees!

What can I say though; this tanning weather is giving my black ass the polished look it deserves!

Technically I’m on sick leave, so I can enjoy this hot weather to full effect as I’ve got man thrush from that filthy bitch Ermantrude.  So as long as I’m itching I aint fucking!

Any moo, during my time off relaxing and sunbathing Matt the Farmer called me into the yard to consult me on his new business plan.

                                               Canasten - Get on it. 

Now some people are painting a dim view of agriculture at present. They are stressing over a multitude of factors that affect every angle of the business at it looks to the future.

These factors are: Cost of feed for livestock, changing weather patterns (in other words the fucking weather), ugly milk maids, an ageing workforce, the fucking weather, lack of decent new blood coming in, cracked iPhone screens, the fucking weather, the rising price of arable land, less opportunities for farm ownership, the fucking weather, the rising price of new and second hand ag kit, the fucking weather, a macro cultural lack of environmental awareness, the fucking weather, Jumped up cattle, cuntish magpies, the fucking weather and worst of all a  lack of female topless scare crows.

So some farmers that cop the fuck on are analysing these negative factors and looking for new and creative ways to combat them. I’ve mentioned farming diversification and raising awareness to fucking death in the past. This time by boss, Matt the farmer and my union rep, Handsome James have come up with a genius way of bringing a new way of working to the farm as well as helping to combat a really fucking awful situation too.

Commercial Honeybee farming.

Bee’s are on the decline Jock strapper’s and its thought that there are a many reasons as to why this is happening.

This is not good. I love a bit of honey with my maize silage on a cold winters morning! It gives you that morning fuck energy kick you need when you’ve gotta do the back doors of a hundred and one cattle before elevenses. I don’t need to not have that supplement otherwise people may start to doubt my stamina!

Also I like a bit of honey in my tea too. Yes I drink tea.

And I like candles. Not that I’m scared of the dark. I am the dark.

                                         Honey Bee - Risk

So we need to help with the situation! The EU banning the use of some chemical’s may not bee the only solution Jock Strapper’s as it could force farmers into potentially using old skool variants of them that don’t count in the ban, which could royally reek some havoc.

Farmers Weekly magazine has been all over this issue in 2013. Check out the links below and learn up on the problem!

http://www.fwi.co.uk/articles/09/05/2013/138977/bee-decline-in-uk-blamed-on-intensive-farming.htm

http://www.fwi.co.uk/articles/29/04/2013/138832/eu-bans-pesticides-linked-to-bee-decline.htm

http://www.fwi.co.uk/articles/29/05/2013/139228/efsa-links-fourth-pesticide-to-bee-decline.htm

http://www.fwi.co.uk/articles/05/05/2013/138926/us-report-cites-many-factors-for-bee-decline.htm

http://www.fwi.co.uk/articles/30/03/2012/132203/studies-blame-pesticides-for-bee-decline.htm

                                         Farmers Weekly - All over it

I thought Matt and Handsome would bee extremely pro-active in tackling these issues. I thought they would bee at the forefront of innovation, the spearhead of success and basically well good at it >> using an intricately thought out, practical and simple method to fight the problem.

However, (please understand the implied sigh when I write however), it cant bee that simple can it Jock Strapper’s? It never fucking is down on this farm

Just to get you up to speed: Bee’s have a season – April until around September…..Cos that’s when there is pollen and nectar to be had, hashtag thatswhattheyeat – innit?

In the winter they chill in their hives and get wasted on honey. Good work. So commercial bee farmers are busy bees between these summer months.

Some farmers around these parts have been crying out for bees to come and see to their crops, which really shows bee decline is becoming a real practical problem.

Some area’s of Europe have vast expanses of farmland, pasture land, set aside land and forests that bees love. Some areas of Eastern Europe notably in Romania and Hungary have mobile bee keepers and colonies! 

During bee season they hit the road to find the sweetest forests, fauna and flowers! They make honey on the move and sell their wears in towns and even at the side of the road! They transport their bees in everything from lorries to converted shepherds or roadman’s huts.

Yep – you already know what’s coming next – I don’t even have to tell you.

Sooo… Matt The Farmer’s tactical opp's meeting consisted of:

“Jock, you are the linch pin of our diversification strategy. I feel as though I haven’t developed you enough or given you the opportunity to expand your agricultural knowledge and awareness. I know how much you want to travel, to broaden your horizons and gain some key skills going forward”.

- Management talk, ughhhh

Meanwhile Handsome James was jumping around the farmyard with excitement in a bright white bee suite like a ferret on acid. What a dick.

So it turns out that Handsome is learning  beekeeping ways and we’ve got to go do a Reckie in Romania. Our mission is to learn some of the lingo, befriend some bee keepers, sample the honey, check out mobile bee wagons, have a go by learning on the job, oh and yeah, guess who’s been charged with pulling said wagons? we are authenticating it right up

                                          Romanian's - Yeah I know 

Yeah that’s it >  because I’m a pack horse – cunt (as you know I have to say cunt after the word horse…. cunt as horses are cunt's).

I protested, a little ;-)

‘But they’re all gypsy….counts and vampires over there’! I screamed.

- Like what I did there ;-)

                                               Vampires - From there 

But as I shouted the odd’s Handsome James looked so excited… with those big gay puppy dog eyes of his looking at me through his gay ass bee suite when I kicked off. He needs a change of direction any way the fucking looser.

So I agreed, and the mission is on. We are going to Eastern Europe to check out how mobile bee farmers do things on the road. If we like what we see we will do the same back here and help out our farmer friends that cant get enough bees to pollenate their crops.

                                          BEE-UNIT!

I’ve always fancied shagging an eastern European cow any way, could even turn out alwright, so long as they don’t get me a white bee suite…

                                                    Handsome James - Bee keeping twat of a trade unionist

LOOK OUT FOR MORE SHENANIGANS AS WE PREPARE TO DO EASTERN EUROPE JOCK STYLE! THE GAME IS ON.....

I'M NOW ON TUMBL!! jockthebull.tumblr.com/

DON'T FORGET TO FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER!! twitter.com/jockthebull  >> @jockthbull

WHAT AN OUTRAGE!

Last weekend it was the Bath and West Show. We normally head down there in force each year to show off our wears. We take livestock, cheese, horse meat and sometimes cacti.

As you know Jock Strapper’s Aberdeen Angus beef is some of the tastiest in the business! So more farmers want a slice of jerky so to speak.   

I say fair game. I’m all about spreading the word on our impressive meaty flavours. Therefore each year, there has been a steady increase in the amount of stock bull entries in my class for best in show.

And each year I smash the opposition due to my impeccable breeding, good looks, impressive ball bag and massive cock. But this year, I came second.

Now I’m remaining calm to a point even though it’s only two days after judging finished. There has clearly been a mistake, some kind of mix up or worst still a conspiracy.

My mate - Joe The Bull an Aberdeen angus who is originally from Essex came third. I am happy for Joe, as he has stepped up over the last couple of years, pounded some serious heifer and got himself a cracking set of thighs to show off as a consequence!

But the “winner” ladies and gentlemen, the best in show, the top dog AKA  Mr. perfect… is a fucking ginger!

I mean what the fuck?!

Talk about positive discrimination > talk about playing the race card.

What’s more, we didn’t win the jam competition, our cheese lacked “an adequate balance or rural aroma’s”( what the fuck that’s supposed to smell like … I don’t know) and Knuckles The Magpie got busted (again) for allegedly handling stolen goods. Talk about tarring everyone with the same brush. His bead stall was strictly legit!!!

                                            Magpie Jewellery - Strictly legit

Such rural stereotyping has got to stop. Mind you Joe the Bull’s farmer has got one of those Skoda Yeti 4x4’s – so as well as not getting a deserved second place he didn’t even get towed home in a Range Rover. Poor little bastard. What the fuck is the world coming too Jock Stripper’s.

                                          Skoda Yeti - Ride home

So let me tell you about Mr. Perfect:

Well - He is fucking Scottish and you can’t understand a word this little cunt says – when he does decide to talk that is.

He lives on deep fried silage and battered corn on the cob. Reckons he has two shots of iodine each night before bed, just to keep him clean. He reckons the girls love his accent and that’s why he’s as beefy as he is.

Well I reckon he gets jack shit. His lines are highly questionable and his temperament is abrupt and rude to say the least!

Watch this space Jock Strapper’s. You haven’t heard the last of this. #

                                            Ginger cunt - Dead meat

SOVEREIGN SECURITY

Discount Dennis, The Black Mamba and Jerry The Adder are two badass snakes in every aspect of the for mentioned scientifically proven, academic description of a lizard that can’t fucking walk.

They’ve got it all, stature, stealth and supremacy. I call this my “Triple S” catagorisation of snakes.

It might seem odd to you Jock Strapper’s that I speak such fondly of these slithery sidekicks. Lets not forget though that three of these skillful serpents have worked security for me in the past as well had a very commendable stab at taking on Knuckles The Magpie.

Snakes don’t come cheap. To get a good one your definitely looking at paying above minimum wage and no doubt they will want a whole host of other add-ons and perks as the deal matures. So initial discussions regarding remuneration is key when attempting your first contract negation with one of these startlingly strong sordid warriors!

This is why I developed my Triple S measure for when recruiting security snakes.

For example, as you know I also employed Metal Face Mitch! The deadly Australian Taipan! Some say the Taipan has the most poisonous venom on the planet…..

That one bight and you are history…..

That they can live it up with ease in the Australian wilderness…

….Yes his venom is supreme, killing anything it touches in minutes.

…..Yes he is stealthy, he can creep up on you and deliver that killer shot, closer and with more accuracy then TGK in an F22 closing in on a Russian ballet school during dress rehearsal!

But stature, erm no. Metal Face Mitch is a bog Australian, un-educated, untrustworthy fool of a snake. He’d sooner BBQ a mouse then bight It and that’s because he likes his food burnt or burnt.

What a retard. So as all good hiring managers have guessed thus far, I got him for a steal. Which for your information is undisclosed Jock Strapper’s.

But every once in a while you get presented with someone who steps up, who stands for more, who sings for glory and who well and truly seduces employers.

What do you do when you meet a snake who surmounts your expectations and surpasses your selection criteria by a sizeable distance.

Well you add another S Jock Strapper’s, that’s what you do!

The fourth S is Sovereignty. This is secured only for snakes with a more Royal status…..And Big King Tom, the King Cobra has all four S’s and some.

BKT has been around these parts for a while.

He’s actually Chinese, but speaks with a weird American draw, a sort of Boston/deep south hybrid. He must be well travelled. 

                                          BKT - sovereign security 

BKT really does have some fascinating stories to tell when you get to know him. He’s a bit quiet a first, but the sort of quite that indicates raw confidence. He once told me about his capers from when he was in captivity in America. He once single handedly wiped out an entire biker gang because they wanted to aggressively take over his captors tattoo parlor.

Biker gangs do that sort of shit over there. He bust out his tank, using his tail as a whip and his teeth as daggers and laid into the gang big time! He said there were poisoned middle-aged double denim skinheads and bits of broken Harley Davidson from ass holes to breakfast time by the time he had finished!

On reflection BKT pointed out that it must have been a degree of psychological transference that made him want to protect his captor so much. So he bit him to death and then ate him just to prove to himself that he wasn’t crazy. That must have been where he laid the foundations for his philosophical and spiritual outlook.

                                           Biker gang - annihilated 

As well as having supersonic reactions and a somewhat sly disposition, he also possesses quite a lot of serenity for a serpent with his power. I’m thinking that’s because he’s Chinese and clearly a Buddhist.

As we all know Jock Strapper’s King Cobras are the longest of all venomous snakes, growing up to nearly twenty feet long! When confronted by danger or gypsy cunts, King Cobras can rear up to nearly one third of their overall length….. And still move forward! If you get bitten you are properly fucked and may die within about thirty minutes.

Therefore, BKT heads up the security around here to extremely high standards. No one messes with him!

So other than me, maybe a gypsy king with magical powers and a mongoose, there aren’t that many threats that a king cobra bows down to. Even a mongoose (although resistant to its neurotoxins), usually won’t take one on due to its size.

Until now Jock Strapper’s!

Can you remember when I got hold of Knuckles’ diary and he specifically mentioned palling up with some dudes out in Africa? And more precisely the bit about some new additions to the farm?

Well, Bandit the Honey Badger is now in full effect!

Honey Badgers are evil little cunts that will literally take on the world. They have been described as the most fearless animal in contemporary existence! They are more anatomically related to weasels than badgers and have skin thicker than then Ermantude’s wizards sleeve!

They can dig into the ground harder and faster than Cut ‘N” Paste Wayne after a line of coke and using the Farm’s new JCB 550-80 Agri-Plus!

Any way, this little asshole talks with a staunch South African eccint – like what I did there ;-) And takes no prisoners. He is ruthless, garish and has one massive chip on his shoulder!

Me and him are going to come blows at some point but you can tell this nasty ass critter really doesn’t give a shit.

                                 JCB - slow in comparison 

So when this little African mercenary gave his CV speculatively to Matt The Farmer, he was clearly impressed! Bandit has dealt with insurgents, African gypsy cunts, freedom fighters, dictators, refugees, terrorists, parrots, white supremacists, lions, Zulu’s and ……. cobra’s!!!! In fact cobra was his staple diet for a long while out on safari!

So I ranted at Matt The Farmer for hiring this gun for hire. He didn’t even put this phase of recruitment it passed me! he went straight in there and upset the dynamics of the team. I shouted at him that this was clearly not a well thought out pro-active approach that’s is going to snowball into tears before badger time.

                                                      Bandit - argument 

And guess what….

BKT and Bandit came to blows within twenty-four hours of knowing each other. Bandit says he likes to work alone whilst BKT is all about the tag team.

Two nights ago TGK had parked her mighty John Deer on the edge of a field by the entrance to the farm for the night. She thought it would be safe as houses there, especially with Big King Tom on the prowl!

Within half an hour of dusk, gypsy cunts burst onto the scene ready to siphon the diesel from the Deere!

As soon as they approached and before I had time to get my cape, BKT and Bandit were on the scene!

Just as Bandit was due to literally bite their hands and feet off, BKT rose up and quietly asked them to leave.

As smoke from the spinning wheels of a retreating Transit van filled the damp night air the argument of justice between these two ensued.

Bandit started kicking off saying his way was more effective and that he ate cobra’s for breakfast! Then BKT explained that the he was in fact a King Cobra and he could try and start something if wanted but at the end of the day if he did, he would really cut him up.

I arrived on the scene moments later and explained to them that they were indeed my employees, that I was the one true powerful one on the farm and if they wanted kill each other they could piss off back to Africa and lay it on with the other murdering cunts that live there.

They did actually listen to me and both went on their separate ways.

The next morning I saw Bandit trying to mount a wrapped silage bale and as he was doing so he was telling it what a lucky bitch it was.  I don’t think I can put with any more weirdness on this farm. I also reckon that we haven’t seen the last the dodgy dynamic between Bandit and BKT either, as I saw BKT doing tale ended pull-ups in sets of fifteen repetitions on the cross bar of a grain silo.

WHAT'S APP >>> WHAT'S ON:

Well now Jock Strapper’s…

A year last Friday saw the first anniversary of my life going viral. I joined Twitter on May 5^th 2012 and have never looked back. A month or so afterwards, I posted my first blog entry and subsequently became dual platform! You can have a read of the first entry once more below!

http://jockthebull.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/ok-people-are-you-ready-for-great.html

My message was to give you guys an insight into what makes me tick. Not from the perspective of my behavioral problems but on a deeper level. I wanted to let you know how I feel about issues that impact on contemporary farming. I also wanted to publicise other concerns that us country folks have, such as gypsy cunts and rural crime.

I wanted to give you an insight into how multiculturalism works in a countryside setting…. and believe you me I didn’t get to where I am today just because of my black ass alone folks!

And lastly I wanted to be open about my social experiences. My friends mean the world to me and the characters that live in my neck of the woods never fail to delight. I have doen this to the extreme and long may this continue Jock Strapper’s because the original formula is going into year two baby!!!!!

So, as there are shenanigans a plenty still going down on my farm I thought I would give you a lil tease about what’s on the horizon for my weekly blog entries…

                                                           Social Networking:

OK, so I’ve What’s App’ed pictures of my cock to each member of the cow heard five times this year already! Well who hasn’t?! I have an abundance of easy to use, touch apps for iphone that enhance every contour of my bullhood! At the touch of button my cock can be chromed, cropped, coloured and crafted to the high standards of any voyeuristic rambler this side of the Salisbury Plane! A Bulls gotta experiment after all.

That said What’s App is for private usage only folks. I am going to remain doing weekly blogs on Blogger.com and also tweet little fragments of interest to you as and when…

Jockthebull.blogspot.co.uk

twitter.com/JockTheBull

                                                 Frank The Peacock will return!

Last October my best friend Frank had to disappear and blend in like only he could. He had to covertly infiltrate god knows who in god knows which hellhole, god knows where. He had to go into deep cover and be totally discrete, like only a peacock with his skills could do.

Word has got to me that he has nearly finished his mission and that he is OK! I cant tell you too much about this Jock Strapper’s, as we still don’t know all the facts and there could be issues of national security to contend with. But rest assured Jock Strapper’s: As soon as Frank’s back, I will be publishing full details of his welcome home party, what he has been up to as well as some proper man love for him on this very platform!

                                      I will be doing more reviews on farm machinery:

Big farm kit is where its at folks! And I love tractor porn on a cataclysmic scale. There are going to be some interesting developing on the ag. Equipment front this year, topped off with what can only be described as the farm machinery Mecca: The by-annual Agritechnica Event in Hannover, Germany this autumn. All the players are there in full effect cutting deals and showing off their wears.

Last time I did a published review I posted a commentary on the mighty Class Lexion 780:

http://jockthebull.blogspot.co.uk/2012/08/combine-passion-i-am-officialy-first.html

                                                        Out of Africa:

A new incumbent has arrived on the farm. He’s a bit a full on and he’s come here all the way from fucking Africa of all places. A recent Youtube documentary referred to him as “soooo nasty”! and “out of his fucking mind” ! He should fit right in on this farm. In all seriousness though Jock Strapper’s this new dude literally eats Cobra for breakfast.... and lunch! Bandit the Honey Badger is in full effect here on the farm and already getting into some right royal scrapes! Expect to see him feature in the near future…

                                                              The Adder Bites!

Jerry the Adder is a top bloke. And if snakes could grow pencil moustaches and work in the RAF in the 1940’s all over again, he would be there! As squadron leader! I want to use Jerry more as he is a mate of mine with a wise old head on his snake version of shoulders. I may get him to do a monthly segment…It would be amusing yet insightful at the same time!

                                                        My guide to Bulls:

So I’m an Aberdeen Angus, im strong, good looking and black. But beware the Dutch destroyers people! Friesian Bulls pack a punch! I will let you into a little secret here Jock Strapper’s.. Once one of the motherfuckers came up to me and said he had a greater cock than me! So just to prove him wrong I argued quantity over quality and shagged all the farms and the neighboring farms cattle in a 12 hour marathon style jizz fest!

My cock was raw! Raw I’m telling you! Mad Harry The Vet was rubbing Sudocrem into it for the next seven days! Turns out the Friesian cunt was spinning me a yarn all along….. And that’s them all over, cunning buggers! Sooner see with a red raw cock then a slow comfortable screw. You need to know these facts about bull breeds people! And I’m the bull to inform you, impartially and without prejudice of course….

                                                             Knuckles: Rising

So we saw a side to this dark war lord that we thought we would never see. The clumsy twat dropped his diary as he flew over and I made it available for you all to see!

http://jockthebull.blogspot.co.uk/2013/03/diary-of-dark-one.html

Turns out he does give a shit and he’s got a sparkly secret. Rest assured though the dark bastard is back to his old self. In the last week alone he has hijacked a BT Openreach van and took the engineer prisoner until BT upped the rural broadband speeds in the area.  Furthermore, some fly tipping gypsy cunts got his full wrath midweek when Dorset police’s helicopter failed to intercept them. They are now talking mushish whilst hanging naked and upside down from a weather vein…… in Inverness.

Who is Sparkles The Magpie? You will find out.

So until next week Jock Strapper’s… When you will find out what happened when Big King Tom met his first Bandit……

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4r7wHMg5Yjg