SOVEREIGN SECURITY

Discount Dennis, The Black Mamba and Jerry The Adder are two badass snakes in every aspect of the for mentioned scientifically proven, academic description of a lizard that can’t fucking walk.

They’ve got it all, stature, stealth and supremacy. I call this my “Triple S” catagorisation of snakes.

It might seem odd to you Jock Strapper’s that I speak such fondly of these slithery sidekicks. Lets not forget though that three of these skillful serpents have worked security for me in the past as well had a very commendable stab at taking on Knuckles The Magpie.

Snakes don’t come cheap. To get a good one your definitely looking at paying above minimum wage and no doubt they will want a whole host of other add-ons and perks as the deal matures. So initial discussions regarding remuneration is key when attempting your first contract negation with one of these startlingly strong sordid warriors!

This is why I developed my Triple S measure for when recruiting security snakes.

For example, as you know I also employed Metal Face Mitch! The deadly Australian Taipan! Some say the Taipan has the most poisonous venom on the planet…..

That one bight and you are history…..

That they can live it up with ease in the Australian wilderness…

….Yes his venom is supreme, killing anything it touches in minutes.

…..Yes he is stealthy, he can creep up on you and deliver that killer shot, closer and with more accuracy then TGK in an F22 closing in on a Russian ballet school during dress rehearsal!

But stature, erm no. Metal Face Mitch is a bog Australian, un-educated, untrustworthy fool of a snake. He’d sooner BBQ a mouse then bight It and that’s because he likes his food burnt or burnt.

What a retard. So as all good hiring managers have guessed thus far, I got him for a steal. Which for your information is undisclosed Jock Strapper’s.

But every once in a while you get presented with someone who steps up, who stands for more, who sings for glory and who well and truly seduces employers.

What do you do when you meet a snake who surmounts your expectations and surpasses your selection criteria by a sizeable distance.

Well you add another S Jock Strapper’s, that’s what you do!

The fourth S is Sovereignty. This is secured only for snakes with a more Royal status…..And Big King Tom, the King Cobra has all four S’s and some.

BKT has been around these parts for a while.

He’s actually Chinese, but speaks with a weird American draw, a sort of Boston/deep south hybrid. He must be well travelled. 

                                          BKT - sovereign security 

BKT really does have some fascinating stories to tell when you get to know him. He’s a bit quiet a first, but the sort of quite that indicates raw confidence. He once told me about his capers from when he was in captivity in America. He once single handedly wiped out an entire biker gang because they wanted to aggressively take over his captors tattoo parlor.

Biker gangs do that sort of shit over there. He bust out his tank, using his tail as a whip and his teeth as daggers and laid into the gang big time! He said there were poisoned middle-aged double denim skinheads and bits of broken Harley Davidson from ass holes to breakfast time by the time he had finished!

On reflection BKT pointed out that it must have been a degree of psychological transference that made him want to protect his captor so much. So he bit him to death and then ate him just to prove to himself that he wasn’t crazy. That must have been where he laid the foundations for his philosophical and spiritual outlook.

                                           Biker gang - annihilated 

As well as having supersonic reactions and a somewhat sly disposition, he also possesses quite a lot of serenity for a serpent with his power. I’m thinking that’s because he’s Chinese and clearly a Buddhist.

As we all know Jock Strapper’s King Cobras are the longest of all venomous snakes, growing up to nearly twenty feet long! When confronted by danger or gypsy cunts, King Cobras can rear up to nearly one third of their overall length….. And still move forward! If you get bitten you are properly fucked and may die within about thirty minutes.

Therefore, BKT heads up the security around here to extremely high standards. No one messes with him!

So other than me, maybe a gypsy king with magical powers and a mongoose, there aren’t that many threats that a king cobra bows down to. Even a mongoose (although resistant to its neurotoxins), usually won’t take one on due to its size.

Until now Jock Strapper’s!

Can you remember when I got hold of Knuckles’ diary and he specifically mentioned palling up with some dudes out in Africa? And more precisely the bit about some new additions to the farm?

Well, Bandit the Honey Badger is now in full effect!

Honey Badgers are evil little cunts that will literally take on the world. They have been described as the most fearless animal in contemporary existence! They are more anatomically related to weasels than badgers and have skin thicker than then Ermantude’s wizards sleeve!

They can dig into the ground harder and faster than Cut ‘N” Paste Wayne after a line of coke and using the Farm’s new JCB 550-80 Agri-Plus!

Any way, this little asshole talks with a staunch South African eccint – like what I did there ;-) And takes no prisoners. He is ruthless, garish and has one massive chip on his shoulder!

Me and him are going to come blows at some point but you can tell this nasty ass critter really doesn’t give a shit.

                                 JCB - slow in comparison 

So when this little African mercenary gave his CV speculatively to Matt The Farmer, he was clearly impressed! Bandit has dealt with insurgents, African gypsy cunts, freedom fighters, dictators, refugees, terrorists, parrots, white supremacists, lions, Zulu’s and ……. cobra’s!!!! In fact cobra was his staple diet for a long while out on safari!

So I ranted at Matt The Farmer for hiring this gun for hire. He didn’t even put this phase of recruitment it passed me! he went straight in there and upset the dynamics of the team. I shouted at him that this was clearly not a well thought out pro-active approach that’s is going to snowball into tears before badger time.

                                                      Bandit - argument 

And guess what….

BKT and Bandit came to blows within twenty-four hours of knowing each other. Bandit says he likes to work alone whilst BKT is all about the tag team.

Two nights ago TGK had parked her mighty John Deer on the edge of a field by the entrance to the farm for the night. She thought it would be safe as houses there, especially with Big King Tom on the prowl!

Within half an hour of dusk, gypsy cunts burst onto the scene ready to siphon the diesel from the Deere!

As soon as they approached and before I had time to get my cape, BKT and Bandit were on the scene!

Just as Bandit was due to literally bite their hands and feet off, BKT rose up and quietly asked them to leave.

As smoke from the spinning wheels of a retreating Transit van filled the damp night air the argument of justice between these two ensued.

Bandit started kicking off saying his way was more effective and that he ate cobra’s for breakfast! Then BKT explained that the he was in fact a King Cobra and he could try and start something if wanted but at the end of the day if he did, he would really cut him up.

I arrived on the scene moments later and explained to them that they were indeed my employees, that I was the one true powerful one on the farm and if they wanted kill each other they could piss off back to Africa and lay it on with the other murdering cunts that live there.

They did actually listen to me and both went on their separate ways.

The next morning I saw Bandit trying to mount a wrapped silage bale and as he was doing so he was telling it what a lucky bitch it was.  I don’t think I can put with any more weirdness on this farm. I also reckon that we haven’t seen the last the dodgy dynamic between Bandit and BKT either, as I saw BKT doing tale ended pull-ups in sets of fifteen repetitions on the cross bar of a grain silo.