VEGANS!

As you know Jock Strapper’s my day job involves a lot of meaningless sex. Don’t get me wrong I'm not complaining, but one day I would like to feel some companionship too. Having said that it can be hard out here in the field, living the dream down on the farm. You don’t get many chances to meet people and as per all the shit that went down earlier this year at the bath and west show, there is always another bull ready to step up and take your mantle. So you just have to keep on pumping!

Last week I was chatting to my mate, Cut 'N' Paste Wayne as he has had a dabble with some on-line dating. Now I'm not one to judge as you know but there are some right weirdo's out there and if he wants to get aids then fair play to him.

It was one profile I came across however as we were browsing the many generic profiles that consisted of gym, walking on the beach, socialising with friends etc that caught my eye.

(Honestly girls, try something new you boring fucks)

One girl had literally written war and peace on her profile. She was a vegan and all about the 

feminism and animal rights…. Yeah you know what’s coming next ;-)

She believed that:

All sentient beings are glued to the foundations of this world and therefore any attempt to subtract their souls for the purpose of nourishment murders an aspect of the process of being

On a fucking online dating profile.

Really?!

Now I’m no hater, so I didn’t message her, but it got me thinking about vegans and other weirdo's that don’t eat the food that we work hard to produce, here on the farm.

Cut 'N' Paste by the way, literally cut n pasted her profile pic as she was wearing a go-vegan t-shirt. Last year he missed out on the village darts team and reckons this will spur his aim on a tad if he prints it out. 

Ok then.

Anyway, I went about asking a few of my friends what they thought about internet vegans…..

Dave the piercer:

Don’t they die really young and stop having periods?

TopGunKes:

Jock you fucking bell end ive warned about woman on the internet before. She was probably a Russian Spy, give me her details and I’ll send a drone up, make sure it all checks out.

Handsome James:

I can change her!!

Drum roll please……

      

      Frank The Peacock:

Live and let live Jock, it’s not as if there are many of them. I can take care of the really militant ones, make ‘em disappear, ya know?

Matt The Farmer:

I bet she has small tits.

Knuckles The Magpie:

It’s the likes of her that end up staining my fucking cauldron!

So there we go Jock Strapper’s, not much love for alternative diets round these parts. That said not every meal is about meat! Aaaaand one of my favourite Wrestler’s, WWE’s Daniel Brian is a vegan! Ok he’s the shortest guy in their entire roster and moans like a cunt but he has some sweet moves and has featured in some quality matches so far this year. Watch him face off against John Cena for the WWE championship this August at Summerslam!

And speaking of August!

All this food talk has got me thinking: The heat waves, the flat chested vegans and now the wrestlers! I am going to compile a full recipe (starter, main and pudding) that can be appreciated in the deep sun of august, by fucktards (vegans), grappler’s (wrestlers) and my extremely analytical friends who were so kind to give their two pennies worth earlier in this instalment.

So next week >>> look out for a recipe that really does please everyone which can be enjoyed come the heavy rain or penetrating sunshine of August. As you know I’m all about the great meat taste! But can I transfer my ideas to meet everyone’s needs??

HEAT WAVE BEEF RECIPES

We appear to have a heat wave on our hands!

Sometimes we can lose all faith in our apatite during these hot times. Sometimes we resort to just eating salads as well as all sorts of other ridiculous behaviours like skipping meals and eating too much ice cream!

But in these extreme times you need as much energy as you can get Jock Strapper’s!

So why not get some of your heard over, light or fire up your barby (depending on if you have a charcoal or gas fetish) and get down to cooking some of my kids!

That’s right, I’m going to guide you through three fantastic summer steak recipes that you can sizzle up on a warm night with your nearest and dearest!

As you know I’m all about the taste and nothing else! So it goes as standard that whenever I mention the word beef in what is to follow you will be using British Aberdeen Angus !

First up – BBQ’d beef with mushroom sauce!

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Prep: 10min › Cook: 40min › Ready in: 50min

This will serve 6 and you will need 650g of sirloin

For the sauce you will need the following:

50g butter

1 shallot, finely chopped

4 Portobello mushrooms, sliced

375ml red wine

800ml beef stock

1 clove garlic, chopped

1/2 teaspoon dried thyme

1/4 teaspoon salt, or to taste

Freshly ground black pepper

2 tablespoons plain flour

·         Go for a medium heat on your BBQ

·         Melt butter in a large frying pan over medium-high heat. Gently fry the shallot, and then add mushrooms and cook, covered, for about 5 minutes. Remove mushrooms from pan and set aside. Pour 400ml of beef stock and red wine into the pan. Increase heat, and bring to the boil. Allow the mixture to boil until it has reduced by 1/3.

·         Barbecue the sirloin to your desired doneness. Remove to a plate, and set aside to rest. I don’t believe in seasoning or Jamie Oliver, so get over it > great steak taste shouldn’t need enhancing.

·         When the sauce is reduced, stir in the remaining 400ml beef stock, garlic and thyme. Return to the boil and continue to cook for another 5 to 10 minutes. The sauce will be thin. Whisk in flour, and cook until the sauce is desired thickness. Taste and adjust seasoning if necessary. Stir in the cooked mushrooms. Serve steak with mushroom sauce spooned over it.

If you want bring all the salad with this and add some garlic bread to soak up the sauce. Why not try a little steamed asparagus with it too? Eat whilst the sun disappears over yonder hill and feel safe in the knowledge that you have eaten well!

Next up is a little dish that call “Single Jock” This dish packs a true punch and is ideal for summer break ups! So get the lads round, get the BBQ going, eat this and toast the good times!

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This will serve 4 and you will need 4 200g cuts of my black ass! That’s right lads – bring on the rump steak!

Prep: 10min › Cook: 40min › Ready in: 50min

For the marinade:

160ml extra-virgin olive oil

3 tables spoons of Belvenie Double wood 12 year old single malt Scotch!

3 tablespoons soy sauce

1 tablespoon minced spring onion

1 tablespoon minced garlic

1 tablespoon ground black pepper

1 tablespoon chopped fresh parsley

1/2 teaspoon dried thyme

1/8 teaspoon crushed dried rosemary

·         Combine the olive oil, whisky, soy sauce, onion, garlic, pepper, thyme and rosemary in a large sealable plastic back; seal and shake to mix. Add the steaks to the marinade. Seal the bag, squeezing out as much as possible. Refrigerate for at least 1 hour. Then, remove steaks form the marinade. Allow the steaks to come to room temperature before cooking.

·         Fire up a medium heat barby and lightly oil the great. Cook the steaks until they are beginning to firm and are hot and slightly pink in the centre, 6 to 7 minutes per side. An instant-read thermometer inserted into the centre should read 60 degrees C. Cover the meat with two layers of aluminium foil and allow to rest in a warm area for 10 minutes before serving.

Simply garnish the dish with some rocket, cherry tomatoes, feta cheese and some Xhamster on you iPad or other mobile streaming device ;-)

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Lastly towards the end of your BBQ session you may well be approaching the pissed as a fart stage. So why not take full advantage of those burning red embers still glowing on your barby? As you know Jock Strapper’s it is fully logical to end a nights drinking with a kebab. Only during this nights drinking you have your own kebab house >  Alwright! So this is a great recipe for Middle Eastern 100 percent Scottish kebabs!

Prep:5min  ›  Cook:30min  ›  Extra time:1day marinating  ›  Ready in:1day35min

For 2 Skewars:

• 3 to 4 strands saffron
• 2 tablespoons milk
• 350g beef steak, cubed
• salt and pepper
• 1/2 onion, blitzed until mushy
• 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin

• 1/2 teaspoon Cayenne pepper
• 1 red onion, cut in half and each half cut into quarters
• 1 red pepper, cut into chunks
• 1 green pepper, cut into chunks
• olive oil

• In a small dish combine the saffron and milk. Allow to rest for a few    minutes.
• In a glass or plastic container with a lid, add the beef, saffron mixture, salt and pepper, onion paste, cumin and Cayenne. Stir well to coat the beef. Cover and marinate overnight in the fridge.
• Thread the skewers evenly with beef, red onion and peppers.
• BBQ or grill on medium to low heat for about 30 minutes or until the onions are cooked. Occasionally baste with oil.

Eat whilst intoxicated, keep your mouth closed whilst you are chewing and don’t act like a cunt with the skewers.

Happy munching Jock Strapper’s and remember: British Aberdeen Angus is the perfect accompaniment for friends, lush summer evenings and BBQ’s!

twitter.com/jockthebull

RECKIE TO ROMANIA

Its fucking hot Jock Strapper’s !

Out here in the field temperatures have been exceeding thirty degrees!

What can I say though; this tanning weather is giving my black ass the polished look it deserves!

Technically I’m on sick leave, so I can enjoy this hot weather to full effect as I’ve got man thrush from that filthy bitch Ermantrude.  So as long as I’m itching I aint fucking!

Any moo, during my time off relaxing and sunbathing Matt the Farmer called me into the yard to consult me on his new business plan.

                                               Canasten - Get on it. 

Now some people are painting a dim view of agriculture at present. They are stressing over a multitude of factors that affect every angle of the business at it looks to the future.

These factors are: Cost of feed for livestock, changing weather patterns (in other words the fucking weather), ugly milk maids, an ageing workforce, the fucking weather, lack of decent new blood coming in, cracked iPhone screens, the fucking weather, the rising price of arable land, less opportunities for farm ownership, the fucking weather, the rising price of new and second hand ag kit, the fucking weather, a macro cultural lack of environmental awareness, the fucking weather, Jumped up cattle, cuntish magpies, the fucking weather and worst of all a  lack of female topless scare crows.

So some farmers that cop the fuck on are analysing these negative factors and looking for new and creative ways to combat them. I’ve mentioned farming diversification and raising awareness to fucking death in the past. This time by boss, Matt the farmer and my union rep, Handsome James have come up with a genius way of bringing a new way of working to the farm as well as helping to combat a really fucking awful situation too.

Commercial Honeybee farming.

Bee’s are on the decline Jock strapper’s and its thought that there are a many reasons as to why this is happening.

This is not good. I love a bit of honey with my maize silage on a cold winters morning! It gives you that morning fuck energy kick you need when you’ve gotta do the back doors of a hundred and one cattle before elevenses. I don’t need to not have that supplement otherwise people may start to doubt my stamina!

Also I like a bit of honey in my tea too. Yes I drink tea.

And I like candles. Not that I’m scared of the dark. I am the dark.

                                         Honey Bee - Risk

So we need to help with the situation! The EU banning the use of some chemical’s may not bee the only solution Jock Strapper’s as it could force farmers into potentially using old skool variants of them that don’t count in the ban, which could royally reek some havoc.

Farmers Weekly magazine has been all over this issue in 2013. Check out the links below and learn up on the problem!

http://www.fwi.co.uk/articles/09/05/2013/138977/bee-decline-in-uk-blamed-on-intensive-farming.htm

http://www.fwi.co.uk/articles/29/04/2013/138832/eu-bans-pesticides-linked-to-bee-decline.htm

http://www.fwi.co.uk/articles/29/05/2013/139228/efsa-links-fourth-pesticide-to-bee-decline.htm

http://www.fwi.co.uk/articles/05/05/2013/138926/us-report-cites-many-factors-for-bee-decline.htm

http://www.fwi.co.uk/articles/30/03/2012/132203/studies-blame-pesticides-for-bee-decline.htm

                                         Farmers Weekly - All over it

I thought Matt and Handsome would bee extremely pro-active in tackling these issues. I thought they would bee at the forefront of innovation, the spearhead of success and basically well good at it >> using an intricately thought out, practical and simple method to fight the problem.

However, (please understand the implied sigh when I write however), it cant bee that simple can it Jock Strapper’s? It never fucking is down on this farm

Just to get you up to speed: Bee’s have a season – April until around September…..Cos that’s when there is pollen and nectar to be had, hashtag thatswhattheyeat – innit?

In the winter they chill in their hives and get wasted on honey. Good work. So commercial bee farmers are busy bees between these summer months.

Some farmers around these parts have been crying out for bees to come and see to their crops, which really shows bee decline is becoming a real practical problem.

Some area’s of Europe have vast expanses of farmland, pasture land, set aside land and forests that bees love. Some areas of Eastern Europe notably in Romania and Hungary have mobile bee keepers and colonies! 

During bee season they hit the road to find the sweetest forests, fauna and flowers! They make honey on the move and sell their wears in towns and even at the side of the road! They transport their bees in everything from lorries to converted shepherds or roadman’s huts.

Yep – you already know what’s coming next – I don’t even have to tell you.

Sooo… Matt The Farmer’s tactical opp's meeting consisted of:

“Jock, you are the linch pin of our diversification strategy. I feel as though I haven’t developed you enough or given you the opportunity to expand your agricultural knowledge and awareness. I know how much you want to travel, to broaden your horizons and gain some key skills going forward”.

- Management talk, ughhhh

Meanwhile Handsome James was jumping around the farmyard with excitement in a bright white bee suite like a ferret on acid. What a dick.

So it turns out that Handsome is learning  beekeeping ways and we’ve got to go do a Reckie in Romania. Our mission is to learn some of the lingo, befriend some bee keepers, sample the honey, check out mobile bee wagons, have a go by learning on the job, oh and yeah, guess who’s been charged with pulling said wagons? we are authenticating it right up

                                          Romanian's - Yeah I know 

Yeah that’s it >  because I’m a pack horse – cunt (as you know I have to say cunt after the word horse…. cunt as horses are cunt's).

I protested, a little ;-)

‘But they’re all gypsy….counts and vampires over there’! I screamed.

- Like what I did there ;-)

                                               Vampires - From there 

But as I shouted the odd’s Handsome James looked so excited… with those big gay puppy dog eyes of his looking at me through his gay ass bee suite when I kicked off. He needs a change of direction any way the fucking looser.

So I agreed, and the mission is on. We are going to Eastern Europe to check out how mobile bee farmers do things on the road. If we like what we see we will do the same back here and help out our farmer friends that cant get enough bees to pollenate their crops.

                                          BEE-UNIT!

I’ve always fancied shagging an eastern European cow any way, could even turn out alwright, so long as they don’t get me a white bee suite…

                                                    Handsome James - Bee keeping twat of a trade unionist

LOOK OUT FOR MORE SHENANIGANS AS WE PREPARE TO DO EASTERN EUROPE JOCK STYLE! THE GAME IS ON.....

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