MY FEARLESS LOVIES

Hello my fearless lovelies!

Yes I’ve gone all camp as we begin 2013! But rest assured there is method to my madness and as you no doubt assumed there is also a story behind it too…

I am pink.

Not the issues based, tattooed (but yet you still would) angst singer from the US..… But actually pink.

In fact Mad Harry the Vet believes I may remain pink until the spring, maybe even until silaging time!

This whole experience has lead me to deeply question the notion of my native colour scheme. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely proud of my black ass and I have always ripped it in the worst possibly way out of the ginger Angus that walk amongst us.

Yes ok I admit it. I once ate some overly matured maize feed on a cold winters night, got fucked off my tits on its hallucinating effects and ended up absolutely destroying a poor young ginger angus by the name of Heidi. But hey, I was vulnerable and you could argue that the reason she was facing away from me was to be used for her advantage only.

Anyway,

Now I’m not black any more my views of how the people of the world treat me have changed radically. Now I’m just treated like a raving homo and not the big stud that has become standard…. which is fucking well bad. My job is to have sex with female cattle. I have been laughed out of the field for the last three days.

Trust, it’s worse than wearing fucking tartan.

However, I’m dealing with it. I have a nice counsellor and we are working through how to cope in the short term in a very positive yet sincere way.

You are probably wandering how I immersed myself in magenta or how I came to look pretty in pink ??

Remember that fateful night when I tried to persuade Matt the Farmer to ride me out to Handsome James’ layer and see what the fuck all these new faces were getting up to?

….. He declined in the end and I ended up going there alone. The snakes wouldn’t play ball either as clever old Mr. Handsome had parked his van strategically just off the estates boarder.

Those snakes are analy mindful of their jurisdiction as Frank gave them the third degree security services style on what their remit was before he left

So as no doubt you will have read before it was left to lil’ old me to get to the bottom of the strangeness and help to restore balance back to the farm.

As I walked out the farm into the pitch fucking black and up yonder hill in the pissing wind and rain… on the horizon I saw a strange red glow…

Something inside me just clicked as red glows and handsome James definitely go arm in arm. Horrific memories of his 25^th birthday party suddenly came galloping back to me. Oh man.

I wandered over towards the redness, permeating from the horizon.

Sure enough as I approached the van, parked strategically to the left of our land and with a red glow and dark steam like substance emanating out of it, Handsome James was standing there in his pants, glowing pink and wearing sunglasses.

His hair looked like a right mess, which indicated a serious issue was occurring as his name denotes a complete salute to a well-groomed nature.  

I asked him in plain bullish what the fuck was occurring?!

To which he replied that he had been seriously violated by a girl claiming to be a scientist who had discovered a new formula for agricultural fertiliser. He had been duped into letting her convert his camper van into a mobile science lab with promises of extreme productivity and sexy accents to say the least.

What. The. Fuck.

Turns out she’s had a pencient for pesticides and a fascination with fertiliser.

Fake fertiliser that is!

Not only did she concoct all sorts of chemicals she forced them on the local farmers!

Plus she could easily blend in and hide in plain sight in the countryside as she had excellent disguise skills.

Im telling you now… if I had come across her anytime before… none of that shit would have worked on me!

Operation handsome pants would have been well and truly dead in the fucking water!

Frank the Peacock has taught me all the right espionage skills to stop people like her.

I can only imagine the shame poor old Handsome must bee feeling right now.

So in a nut shell one of her experiments went wrong, it took the both of them to move a hot beaker with a mixed up concoction in it, Handsome slipped, the beaker fell to the floor, broke and pink gas leaked every where form arse holes to breakfast time.

Clearly knowing what was about to ensue she escaped into the night. Poor old Handsome went out to look for her, I turn up shouting the odds and then bang!!!!!

Secondary explosion - demolished camper van - pink toxic gas cloud -the lot.

I wake up in the fucking vets! With that cunt Mad Harry looking on laughing his tits off.

I had missed Christmas and New Year!

And now the shape shifting Russian bear dealing, chemical engineering wig wearing is still at large…..