BLACK BULL > WHITE BULL > RAGING BULL!

Well hello my frozen Jock’ies!

Its been snowing here in rural Dorset and as ever, right on cue…. It gives everyone an excuse to act like fucking dickheads!

Now I like the snow. Farmers buy in special food for us and it let’s me see what life’s like to be a white guy once in a while. And to a bright pink champion stock bull, trust me, its something worth looking forward to!

Anyway over the weekend I was taking a stroll up to the top of the hill field over looking our magnificent farm, when by the fence I saw a sight that literally made me so fucking angry I nearly exploded.

Some cunt had made a snow bull obviously trying to represent me in all my glory. It was massive, with a feeble attempt to die it pink some how probably using some kind of food additive. What this resulted in was an off colour bull like sculpture wearing a John Deere cap and A FUCKING GIMP MASK!

My powers of deduction are finely tuned Jock lovers, thanks to the specialist training from everybody’s favourite secret agent, Frank The Peacock.

Obviously it was that Aston Martin driving, cup cake wining bell end, the John Dear Dealer that was behind this, due to it wearing the branded cap.

So I legged it to the farm in order to suite up, go to his dealership and ruin the place like only a snow covered stock bull could.

However, in the yard Top Gun Kes was waiting in anticipation. She had seen the snow bull earlier that day when driving the morning feed up to us.

Her plan for revenge consisted of a lot more fun……

Now: when a fucking dickhead greedy cunt wants to make too much money from his tractor dealership he doesn’t just sell tractors. So for example, he has a franchise for John Deere tractors but he also has a franchise for Amazone seed drills and sprayers. They kinda go hand in hand as it’s all about the premium brands. And so as to not exclude other honest common or garden country folk he also has a contract to sell Ifor Williams trailers.

Now these things are the best in the fucking business. Ideal for farmers, posh birds with horses, builders and turnip growers… People have been getting laid in the back of these things; safe in the knowledge they are pretty much indestructible, for years.

We used to have pigs on this farm so we had a few of their ‘TA5’ variants. Subtle yet strong these things took many a frustrated boar to bonk the hell out of his piggy conquests on a rainy Sunday in January, I tell ya.

Any way they sell like wild fire so cunt cakes dealer boy keeps loads in stock. Sorry TGK, I know he beat you in the cup cake competition last summer but really, you should know by now, there are no points for second place… As he came second too! The guy is a perfectionist and an A1 twat. TGK was still bitter he made better cup cakes than her and now that he’s pissed both of us off her plan was for us to go grab us load of Ifor Williams trailers from his place, convert them into sledges and have a right laugh on the hill field!

So we bust into his, ransacked the joint, shit up the walls, stole the trailers by loading them onto a tractor pulled flat bed and took them back to the farm. Now we needed a third man to successfuly pull this challenge off, so I made Cut ‘N’ Paste Wayne step up for once and get involved.

He brought the farm JCB along to load up the trailers. Wined about it like a fucking pig too. In the end I had to blackmail the cheesy cunt to toe the line by threatening to go to the papers with photos of the vicars wife taking him from behind and separating his pony tail into two, thus pretending that she was riding a Harley.

He then complied.

We toed them to the top of hill field covered in around 8 inches of snow. (A hard estimate to make as I’m used to working in multiples of 20 inches +).

We took out the mighty ‘DP12’ first:

The fun part to this is that it’s an enclosed trailer so you cant see where the fuck your going when you descend…You just feel the rush! Kinda like TGK’s flying….Foot down and fuck what’s in front of you, its their job to move, or she’ll go to guns on them!

Ifor Williams say:

Rolls Royce of beef needs “perfect” trailer.

Nothing but the best in stock transport is good enough for Suffolk farmer Andrew Deacon who produces what’s been described as the "best beef in Britain".

So, he chose what he regards as a five-star way of pampering them while in transit, by using a trailer made by Ifor Williams Trailers.

Mr Deacon, a retired businessman, began farming five years ago and started a special feeding programme with Aberdeens 

Easy now guys, I think you will find it’s the fruit of my loins that outclass your little East Anglian effort. Any way it was a fine descent.

Next up was the ‘TB5 Tilltbed:

This baby was more a like a snow board for larger than life livestock. TGK and Cut ‘N’ Paste rigged up a slalom down the hill using combine tyres. Handsome James had been flipping them round the farm yard as part of his ‘Get Fit or Die Tryin’ campaign. What a retard!

I took to this activity like a bull to water. Clocked in at under a minute in six out my seven runs.

The Pièce de résistance however was the ‘HB610’ Horse box:

Ifor Williams say:

“By offering additional trailer width, the telescopic partition system allows up to five pony stalls”.

So all three of us bundled in and went down backwards! Obviously we took the axle off but as we began to gain momentum we hit some undulations in the snow. As a consequence, we got into a flat spin about half way down. The g forces were immense. Cut ‘N’ Paste passed out due to his inept gayness. TGK held on bravely with an expression of steel, It’s the way she flies, ice cold like the snow, no mistakes, eagerly anticipating the inevitable doom that awaited her..…. Whilst I…. knew I’d be fine whatever we crashed into as I’m a fucking Aberdeen Angus stock bull!

Any way, we just came to stop at the end of the hill and slid into the farm yard.

We greeted by five police officers, a raging Matt The Farmer and Handsome James… beating the hell out of an old tractor tire with a sledge hammer. Honestly you couldn’t write this shit. The police were just looking at us like naughty school children trying not to laugh.

From behind them, cunt features John Deere dealer emerged with a cocky grin, tweed trousers, a leather jacket and Oakley sunglasses... He said…

“I didn’t build your Snow Bull. The clue was in the gimp mask not the cap. The one who built the Snow Bull was the one you shut up, the one you….. sent away…..”

Oh fuck.