SUMMONING THE SQUADRON

So apparently he’s back then.  Cast away by three of meanest snakes in town, only to return once more…..

And if the rumours are true, he’s come back at the worst possible time.

There are plans afoot for TGK’s birthday. She was born on a leap year so technically she’s the wrinkliest nine year old in the county!

 Any way Jock lovers we all know what happened last August when He decided to steal top secret defence department kit and shoot it at us.  Furthermore, cast your minds back to Frank’s birthday when he decided to burn down half the farm, in order to kill off a Bison heard.

Usually when he is around and there are parties or special events he fucking ruins them.

A couple of days ago I was in the woods, With Discount Dennis, The Black Mamba and Dave the Piercer. We were hiding as all I had done was ask Discount if he should have been hibernating this winter, when we were in the pub.

I think he took it as an insult to his manliness as he is the only black person on the farm now. As well as being hot blooded or whatever he’s not with main stream on the colour stakes.

But he needs to chill the fuck the out. It’s been well cold lately and if I needed to bed down for a few months in order to escape it I would! Also,  I’m pink for heaven’s sake… and will be right up till grass cutting season. Mind you my cocks still as big and as black as they come, smash it.

Any way it all got too much for him and he started throwing tables and chairs around, trapped some OAP’s in the cellar, bit the pub cat and turned it to fucking stone!

Generaljimmi was not a Happy Pumpkin!

That guy’s got issues and needs a fucking haircut.

So we made a run for it and carried on our conversation about how to deal with a certain prodigal returner. Dave the Piercer was fucking useless at coming up with any ideas. He’d literally downed five Malibu and diet cokes in the first half hour we were there… what a faggot. For a gay, he’s not overly camp most of the time, until he gets Malibu in him, then he turns into the worst example of arse taker bender you could ever observe.

Discount was all testosterone or whatever the snake equivalent is.... Talking a load of shit if you ask me. I’ve seen you know who in action and back in the autumn I was surprised I did one when those three snakes stepped up. If I were Discount, I’d be worried.

Deep down I remember thinking that he may have been calling our bluff…

But any way as those two wankers were no help and  little old me had to come up with a plan… again! I’ve literally run out of spies, mystical beings and black mamba’s  to get me out of the shit this time..

So what with it being TGK’s birthday at the end of the month I need to kill two birds with one stone…by calling in some big birds… yes you got it folks… I’m going to plan a surprise party for her and invite her old squadron…Not even the Dark One can manoeuvre his way out of twelve warplanes…. I feel the need, the need for speed!

BLACK BULL > WHITE BULL > RAGING BULL!

Well hello my frozen Jock’ies!

Its been snowing here in rural Dorset and as ever, right on cue…. It gives everyone an excuse to act like fucking dickheads!

Now I like the snow. Farmers buy in special food for us and it let’s me see what life’s like to be a white guy once in a while. And to a bright pink champion stock bull, trust me, its something worth looking forward to!

Anyway over the weekend I was taking a stroll up to the top of the hill field over looking our magnificent farm, when by the fence I saw a sight that literally made me so fucking angry I nearly exploded.

Some cunt had made a snow bull obviously trying to represent me in all my glory. It was massive, with a feeble attempt to die it pink some how probably using some kind of food additive. What this resulted in was an off colour bull like sculpture wearing a John Deere cap and A FUCKING GIMP MASK!

My powers of deduction are finely tuned Jock lovers, thanks to the specialist training from everybody’s favourite secret agent, Frank The Peacock.

Obviously it was that Aston Martin driving, cup cake wining bell end, the John Dear Dealer that was behind this, due to it wearing the branded cap.

So I legged it to the farm in order to suite up, go to his dealership and ruin the place like only a snow covered stock bull could.

However, in the yard Top Gun Kes was waiting in anticipation. She had seen the snow bull earlier that day when driving the morning feed up to us.

Her plan for revenge consisted of a lot more fun……

Now: when a fucking dickhead greedy cunt wants to make too much money from his tractor dealership he doesn’t just sell tractors. So for example, he has a franchise for John Deere tractors but he also has a franchise for Amazone seed drills and sprayers. They kinda go hand in hand as it’s all about the premium brands. And so as to not exclude other honest common or garden country folk he also has a contract to sell Ifor Williams trailers.

Now these things are the best in the fucking business. Ideal for farmers, posh birds with horses, builders and turnip growers… People have been getting laid in the back of these things; safe in the knowledge they are pretty much indestructible, for years.

We used to have pigs on this farm so we had a few of their ‘TA5’ variants. Subtle yet strong these things took many a frustrated boar to bonk the hell out of his piggy conquests on a rainy Sunday in January, I tell ya.

Any way they sell like wild fire so cunt cakes dealer boy keeps loads in stock. Sorry TGK, I know he beat you in the cup cake competition last summer but really, you should know by now, there are no points for second place… As he came second too! The guy is a perfectionist and an A1 twat. TGK was still bitter he made better cup cakes than her and now that he’s pissed both of us off her plan was for us to go grab us load of Ifor Williams trailers from his place, convert them into sledges and have a right laugh on the hill field!

So we bust into his, ransacked the joint, shit up the walls, stole the trailers by loading them onto a tractor pulled flat bed and took them back to the farm. Now we needed a third man to successfuly pull this challenge off, so I made Cut ‘N’ Paste Wayne step up for once and get involved.

He brought the farm JCB along to load up the trailers. Wined about it like a fucking pig too. In the end I had to blackmail the cheesy cunt to toe the line by threatening to go to the papers with photos of the vicars wife taking him from behind and separating his pony tail into two, thus pretending that she was riding a Harley.

He then complied.

We toed them to the top of hill field covered in around 8 inches of snow. (A hard estimate to make as I’m used to working in multiples of 20 inches +).

We took out the mighty ‘DP12’ first:

The fun part to this is that it’s an enclosed trailer so you cant see where the fuck your going when you descend…You just feel the rush! Kinda like TGK’s flying….Foot down and fuck what’s in front of you, its their job to move, or she’ll go to guns on them!

Ifor Williams say:

Rolls Royce of beef needs “perfect” trailer.

Nothing but the best in stock transport is good enough for Suffolk farmer Andrew Deacon who produces what’s been described as the "best beef in Britain".

So, he chose what he regards as a five-star way of pampering them while in transit, by using a trailer made by Ifor Williams Trailers.

Mr Deacon, a retired businessman, began farming five years ago and started a special feeding programme with Aberdeens 

Easy now guys, I think you will find it’s the fruit of my loins that outclass your little East Anglian effort. Any way it was a fine descent.

Next up was the ‘TB5 Tilltbed:

This baby was more a like a snow board for larger than life livestock. TGK and Cut ‘N’ Paste rigged up a slalom down the hill using combine tyres. Handsome James had been flipping them round the farm yard as part of his ‘Get Fit or Die Tryin’ campaign. What a retard!

I took to this activity like a bull to water. Clocked in at under a minute in six out my seven runs.

The Pièce de résistance however was the ‘HB610’ Horse box:

Ifor Williams say:

“By offering additional trailer width, the telescopic partition system allows up to five pony stalls”.

So all three of us bundled in and went down backwards! Obviously we took the axle off but as we began to gain momentum we hit some undulations in the snow. As a consequence, we got into a flat spin about half way down. The g forces were immense. Cut ‘N’ Paste passed out due to his inept gayness. TGK held on bravely with an expression of steel, It’s the way she flies, ice cold like the snow, no mistakes, eagerly anticipating the inevitable doom that awaited her..…. Whilst I…. knew I’d be fine whatever we crashed into as I’m a fucking Aberdeen Angus stock bull!

Any way, we just came to stop at the end of the hill and slid into the farm yard.

We greeted by five police officers, a raging Matt The Farmer and Handsome James… beating the hell out of an old tractor tire with a sledge hammer. Honestly you couldn’t write this shit. The police were just looking at us like naughty school children trying not to laugh.

From behind them, cunt features John Deere dealer emerged with a cocky grin, tweed trousers, a leather jacket and Oakley sunglasses... He said…

“I didn’t build your Snow Bull. The clue was in the gimp mask not the cap. The one who built the Snow Bull was the one you shut up, the one you….. sent away…..”

Oh fuck. 

MY FEARLESS LOVIES

Hello my fearless lovelies!

Yes I’ve gone all camp as we begin 2013! But rest assured there is method to my madness and as you no doubt assumed there is also a story behind it too…

I am pink.

Not the issues based, tattooed (but yet you still would) angst singer from the US..… But actually pink.

In fact Mad Harry the Vet believes I may remain pink until the spring, maybe even until silaging time!

This whole experience has lead me to deeply question the notion of my native colour scheme. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely proud of my black ass and I have always ripped it in the worst possibly way out of the ginger Angus that walk amongst us.

Yes ok I admit it. I once ate some overly matured maize feed on a cold winters night, got fucked off my tits on its hallucinating effects and ended up absolutely destroying a poor young ginger angus by the name of Heidi. But hey, I was vulnerable and you could argue that the reason she was facing away from me was to be used for her advantage only.

Anyway,

Now I’m not black any more my views of how the people of the world treat me have changed radically. Now I’m just treated like a raving homo and not the big stud that has become standard…. which is fucking well bad. My job is to have sex with female cattle. I have been laughed out of the field for the last three days.

Trust, it’s worse than wearing fucking tartan.

However, I’m dealing with it. I have a nice counsellor and we are working through how to cope in the short term in a very positive yet sincere way.

You are probably wandering how I immersed myself in magenta or how I came to look pretty in pink ??

Remember that fateful night when I tried to persuade Matt the Farmer to ride me out to Handsome James’ layer and see what the fuck all these new faces were getting up to?

….. He declined in the end and I ended up going there alone. The snakes wouldn’t play ball either as clever old Mr. Handsome had parked his van strategically just off the estates boarder.

Those snakes are analy mindful of their jurisdiction as Frank gave them the third degree security services style on what their remit was before he left

So as no doubt you will have read before it was left to lil’ old me to get to the bottom of the strangeness and help to restore balance back to the farm.

As I walked out the farm into the pitch fucking black and up yonder hill in the pissing wind and rain… on the horizon I saw a strange red glow…

Something inside me just clicked as red glows and handsome James definitely go arm in arm. Horrific memories of his 25^th birthday party suddenly came galloping back to me. Oh man.

I wandered over towards the redness, permeating from the horizon.

Sure enough as I approached the van, parked strategically to the left of our land and with a red glow and dark steam like substance emanating out of it, Handsome James was standing there in his pants, glowing pink and wearing sunglasses.

His hair looked like a right mess, which indicated a serious issue was occurring as his name denotes a complete salute to a well-groomed nature.  

I asked him in plain bullish what the fuck was occurring?!

To which he replied that he had been seriously violated by a girl claiming to be a scientist who had discovered a new formula for agricultural fertiliser. He had been duped into letting her convert his camper van into a mobile science lab with promises of extreme productivity and sexy accents to say the least.

What. The. Fuck.

Turns out she’s had a pencient for pesticides and a fascination with fertiliser.

Fake fertiliser that is!

Not only did she concoct all sorts of chemicals she forced them on the local farmers!

Plus she could easily blend in and hide in plain sight in the countryside as she had excellent disguise skills.

Im telling you now… if I had come across her anytime before… none of that shit would have worked on me!

Operation handsome pants would have been well and truly dead in the fucking water!

Frank the Peacock has taught me all the right espionage skills to stop people like her.

I can only imagine the shame poor old Handsome must bee feeling right now.

So in a nut shell one of her experiments went wrong, it took the both of them to move a hot beaker with a mixed up concoction in it, Handsome slipped, the beaker fell to the floor, broke and pink gas leaked every where form arse holes to breakfast time.

Clearly knowing what was about to ensue she escaped into the night. Poor old Handsome went out to look for her, I turn up shouting the odds and then bang!!!!!

Secondary explosion - demolished camper van - pink toxic gas cloud -the lot.

I wake up in the fucking vets! With that cunt Mad Harry looking on laughing his tits off.

I had missed Christmas and New Year!

And now the shape shifting Russian bear dealing, chemical engineering wig wearing is still at large…..