TAP UP THE TOPS

Princess Cara of Purbeck would like to think she has been running the show down on the farm for the last month or so. Ever since the night I brought her here from those eerie woods she has set up shop and tried to dominate.

What’s more I have now got to play my part in the bargain and source her a years supply of fucking milk bottle tops.

The dairy industry has had turbulent times this year as we all know too well. The last thing I want to do is become associated with fucking milk production, by ducking and diving with suppliers to get what I need.

So I’m going to forge them.

The consequences could be catastrophic if she found out. Our relationship is quite turbulent. I have empowered her pigeon advisor by allowing him to blog with me but I’ve still got these blasted milk bottle tops hanging over my head and her hints are getting stronger.

She is very scary. One eeeeeevil bitch that would turn you to stone soon as look at you. She has a majour chip on her beak due to what happened to her regal relatives here on this farm so is out to prove a point.

When I got her back here last month the sun had just risen. She hunted Knuckles The Magpie down by following a trail of moles feet he had inadvertently left heading towards his secret shrine - You could tell he had become complacent. I followed her, as I wanted to witness his downfall with my own eyes.

She met him with maximum ferocity and took his legs out from under him. I watched in amazement as the eeeeevil bitch and the dark bastard were going at it one on one! He managed to counter a little with some low blows but was being totally over run.

Knuckles had a brew boiling in his cauldron, which he managed to dislodge during combat; tipping it all over the place… Princess Cara of Purbeck then had to back step hastily towards where I was standing.

Knuckles then calmly pulled a flick knife and started to walk over grinning. It didn’t bother her though as she composed herself and then strolled back up to him…. knocking the knife out of his hand at light speed… and sparking him right out cold with complete technical precision.

Then in what seemed like a millisecond her fucking pigeon descended from the heavens with a grain seed bag; tagged and bagged him. They then flew off together. Job done > I didn’t know what all the fuss was about. I dread to think how they buried him alive.

Now though she’s is throwing her weight around and wants to start boxersise classes on the farm under the front of self-defence. Reckons she needs to toughen us all up a bit in the wake of being bullied all summer by Knuckles.

I reckon she’s at the centre of an illegal betting ring myself and speaking of rings – has already constructed one in a barn on the farm, its got a capacity for five thousand spectators! She must have paid the fat bastard farmer to sell his grain off quick to make room! A lighting rig is going in tomorrow!

Now this aint exactly community engagement or some sort of beneficial social enterprise to get us all feeling better. Magpies are known for illegal gambling rings. This is why they go mad over milk bottle tops.

They gamble them like wildfire and the more they get the more they act like their cum has literally been sucked out them through a catheter loobed up with peppermint oil. If we are not careful magpies are going to descend on this place like Irish to a farm sale. She’s talking all sorts of shit about a farm battle royal contest and I reckon she’s setting us up as bait to get a load of her magpie friends in to gamble off our woes as we beat each other to a pulp.

At the moment – she is doing free classes, obviously to get people hooked. She is also giving me some subtle hints about our little bargain which seem to gaining momentum…

I really cant be doing with all this, I’ve got this steak festival to organise and I have already been tapped up by three different people to be part of the events show piece, The Beef Jerky Jury.

Councillor Mervin Soddenaas - a generally mischievous Masonic cunt who has more dodgy planning approvals to his name than Top Gun Kes has downed soviet fighter jets… has already hinted at a lucrative reward should he be selected as a member….

Lady Dopingbrook-Smyth from the manner has offered me all sorts of riches and antiques from her stately home….

And finally village newcomer and Olympic hero Kriss Akabusy offered me an authentic replica of one of his 1992 Olympic bronze medals to let him in on the caper.

I found out he has got into welding and fabrication since retiring from professional sport. So subsequently he is now blatantly on the Jury and in the process of knocking me up some fake milk bottle tops in return.

He even reckons he can get them authentically shiny as he has had years of practice on the top of his head. Reckons he has a patent pending for his balled head shinyness called Shake Shimmer and Shine - Bald Is Beautiful! I reckon he has clearly cracked up and has moved to the countryside on doctor’s orders. Any way he’s also working on the farm now as an agricultural engineer. He is welding up a combine as we speak.

So last night during an informal poker game with Princess Cara of Purbeck, Pickles The Pigeon, Cut n Paste Wayne and that prick councillor; I was able to put her mind at rest and tell her that I would have a years worth of shimmering and shiny milk bottle tops ASAP. She told me that if they aren’t all present and correct by next week it wouldn’t just be her royal flush I would have to worry about but her ace of spades too as it would be literally wrapped around my head.

Nice.

I am scared :-/

Kriss Akabusy better come up with the goods!

By Next week…..

The final two members of the jury will be selected and Handsome James may secure the ultimate judge in the steak eating competition (and the steak - cheers mate forgot about that)

Farm Steak Fest! Last weekend in September

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