THE ADDER BITES!

By Jerry the Adder.

Hiiii

Happy New Year chaps and chapetts!

Jerry here and once more I’ve been told to tell you that I’m ‘Too hard for hibernation’.

Speaking of which I have fond memories of hibernation, although I have only done it once, back in 2009. Slept like a log, under a log.

Hope you all had a lovely holiday season! Mine was exceedingly refined. After beating Fortnum and Mason’s main suppliers in a mince pie making competition I turned my attentions to that quintessential German cake, the Stollen! I thought this Jerry would be rather apt at taking on those Jerries’ at their own game!

For those that don’t know Stollen is a bread like fruit cake with dried fruit, marzipan in the middle and covered with powdered sugar. It has gained popularity in the UK due to the introduction of certain German supermarkets.

Obviously I smashed the competition hands down. An impartial panel of snake phobic’s and bite victims gave me first place in front of the Lidl and Aldi variants.

It all boils down to the spicy rum I personally distilled a few years back. I lace my teeth with it and then bite the judges! Subsequently they start hallucinating and give me the win.

With all these enticing and damaging dishes I thought it poignant to present for you some yummy ideas for the January blues!

Especially to all you detoxing diva’s out there! The January diet is not fun at all!

Well > It is now! These dishes may sound a little hippy but trust me, they're flavours will make you very happy indeed, so why not have a go and give them a little chance?

To start: Baked peppers with egg and puy lentils!

These babies make a great main meal in themselves; say if you add a splash of broccoli and asparagus, drizzled with some lemon and lime!

You can use them as a side if you are grilling some fish or even preparing lamb!

But as a starter – gobble the lot!

So for four:

75g of Puy lentils

½ tsp ground turmeric

½ tsp ground coriander

½ tsp paprika

¾ pint of vegetable stock

1 tsp of chopped fresh mint

4 eggs

Some ground black pepper

Sprig of coriander to garnish

First things first:

Put the Puy lentils in a large pan with the turmeric, coriander, paprika and vegetable stock

Then:

Bring to the boil, stirring occasionally. Reduce the heat, part cover the pan and simmer for 30-40 minutes. If the lentils start to dry out, add some more stock or a little water during cooking.

Go on to:

Brush the peppers lightly with a little olive oil and place them close together on a large non-stick baking try, skin side down.

After that:

Pre-heat an oven to 190 degrees C or 375 degrees F or gas mark 5. Stir the chopped fresh mint into the lentils. Then fill the half peppers with the lentil mixture.

Crack on with:

Cracking the eggs, one at a time into a small jug or pitcher. Poor them into the middle of each stuffed pepper. Stir the edges of the egg white into the lentils with a fork – add a dash of pepper

Finally:

Bake those babies for about ten minutes or until the egg white is just set. Serve straight up and garnish.

Main Course:

Spicy chickpea and aubergine stew!

This will balance the blood sugars brilliantly after all the eating frivolities from December. (Sorry folks, Jock insists I use alliteration to death on each post)

For your four:

Get 3 large aubergines and cube them

Soak 200g of chickpeas over night

2tblsp olive oil

3 garlic cloves finely chopped

2 large onions, chopped

½ tsp ground cumin

½ tsp ground cinemon

½ tsp ground coriander

1 tsp cayenne pepper

3 400g cans of tomatoes

Basmati rice to serve

For the garnish:

2tblsp extra virgin olive oil

1 onion, sliced

1 garlic clove, sliced

A few sprigs of fresh coriander

One:

Place the diced aubergines in a colander and sprinkle them with some salt. Sit the colander in a bowl and leave to stand for 30 minutes, to allow the bitter juices to seep out of the flesh

Two:

Rinse the aubergine cubes thoroughly in running water and pat dry on kitchen paper.

Three:

Drain the chickpeas and put them in a large pan with enough water to cover them. Bring to the boil over a medium heat, then reduce the heat and simmer for 30 minutes, or until tender. Drain them thoroughly.

Four:

Heat the oil in a large plan. Add the garlic and chopped onion and cook gently until soft. Add the spices and cook, stirring for a few seconds.

Five:

Add the aubergine cubes and stir to coat with spices and onion. Cook for five minutes. Add the tomatoes and chickpeas. Cover and simmer for twenty minutes

Six:

To make the garnish, heat the olive oil in a frying pan and, when very hot, add the sliced onion and garlic. Fry until golden and crisp.

Seven:

Serve the thick stew with rice, topped with the crispy fried onion and garlic and garnished with a sprig of coriander!

Enjoy folks! And will see you in the spring time…..

WHO AM I?

How-do Jock Strapper’s!

Relax! I’m not really northern, just messing with ya!

In fact the last time I had a ferret down my trousers was when I was smuggling one out of a sheep farm near Harrogate, but that’s another story.

I’ve been a bout a bit. And have worn trousers.

Any way, the reason for this blog is that I have managed to secure a lot of new followers recently and I don’t want you all to have to trawl through previous posts to get a true sense of my nature and purpose.

If you want to read my first ever post however, here it is:

http://jockthebull.blogspot.co.uk/2012/06/ok-people-are-you-ready-for-great.html

So really all I want to do today is just give you folks a bit of a recap as to who I am and what I do.

Sometimes town folk, horse cunts, politicians, filmgoers, crows, the middle classes and alcoholics take the likes of me for granted. They forget how hard I work, they forget the effort I put in and they forget why I’m good for them.

Word to the wise Jock Strapper’s… Do not be forgetting who the fuck I am.

I am a champion Aberdeen Angus stud bull with the tools of the trade to keep myself pumpin’ for you keep munchin’

That’s right! I help to make the beef jerky you sit and eat whilst dribbling down the bar maids cleavage or wanking over Manchester United.

                                                    Bar maid's cleavage: Dribble it

My children get stuck in your teeth. And you love it.

                                From me: To you.

I am absolutely fucking beautiful to look at. I am as black as the Ace of Spades and literally tick every box going.

I have a slave to wash my black ass called Cut ‘n’ Paste Wayne, have a massive penis, enjoy the company of cows, magpies and peacocks and furthermore; adders.

I am free from MSG, high in protein, anti-Scottish, with massive balls and the grace of an angel. But a black one. But not in an evil way.

I operate on a banter level of 9.68, which has been officially verified. However, I think it was tad wind assisted that day and as I’m such a fucking perfectionist, I am going to have a go at beating that score when I’m inside; in the bullpen.

My nose ring is made of pure platinum. Its deep rich colour offsets my blacked up self superbly. As I’ve already mentioned, I’m beautiful.

Aberdeen Angus can also come in ginger. But we don’t talk about that. WE NEVER TALK ABOUT THAT. Those cracker-ass versions are not welcome in my farm yard.

Yes I’m arrogant, yes I can be judgemental but when you have achieved all that I have achieved with still some way to go you can afford to be.

I once smashed one hundred cattle in three days and didn’t even get aids. Or thrush or discharge or anything. That was back when I used to get whored out to other farms to meet a significantly large demand.

I had my own pimped out ifor Williams top quality transporter which was toed by a John Deere 8530! You needed THAT much power to haul me up some of the hills round here!

Yeah, I’m that dense!

Inside my wagon I had top quality hay produced by some of the best post teen (ish) stable girls you will ever see.

                                ifor Williams: Palace on wheels

                      

However so much as they are lean and pink they can be annoying when they clip my winning rosettes to the side of my head colar, it can be a tad disorientating. But I don’t care that much because when they clip them on me I can smell them close up. The sweat smell has a richness to it at that age.

                                          Stable girls: Sweet smelling

However one apprentice bird once took a fucking liberty and pasted a few diamantes onto my head colar….. Yes it looked pretty but we have a principal at stake here gang… so I pasted her back in a really nasty way by arranging a date for her with our own resident pony tailed weirdo Cut ‘n’ Paste Wayne!

Ha! She now works in Boots…. Reckons there isn’t enough hygiene related products going to wash the memories of that one off. 

Gutted bitch!

Its great down here on the farm. I have lots of amazing friends who mean the world to me. The guy who owns the gaff lives miles away and is into tractor pulling, so that’s ok with me! The farm manager is easy to manipulate, but I think she’s doing some sort of online course thing to stop that?

Life long learning and all that, Jock Strappers!

Although, nowadays data back up is usually cloud based, or computers with massive hard drives, yet the farm office is scattered with blank DVD’s and is now really well lit?

She must have some really big assignments I guess.

So when you get people as fucking cool as us lot you get bell-end antagonists hell bent on disrupting things. You get hangers on, and people sticking their fucking noses in.

So hear this from me: To anyone who reckons they can disrupt things round here:

-       We are in balance now, I lead and others follow. I am very powerful. I have powerful friends too and I am scared of nothing!

Except perhaps….

                                          Badgers: Bring death to cows

TOMORROW: THE ADDER BITES!

                                            Jerry the Adder: 'Too hard for hibernation'.

                                           

My good friend Jerry the Adder (Too hard for hibernation) wants to help you detox this January! Yes, all you Xmas excess fatties take note…. Jerry’s expertise in food is going to help you get through it!

twitter.com/jockthebull 

- @jockthebull

I NEVER THINK OF THE FUTURE, IT COMES SOON ENOUGH - EINSTEIN

Happy New Year Jock Strappers!

Hope you had a good Xmas! Big thank you to Handsome James for his shit blog updates regarding ‘The Reverse Twelve Days‘ – You fucking weirdo.

How do you spell strappers any way?

Like this – Strappers?

Like this – Strapers?

Or with a – ‘s?

Drop a comment let me know. I need an editor, so send me your CV! I may be in a position to secure dome funds to hire one in the New Year!

Speaking of CV’s – I’ve recently sent mine to a well known weekly farming magazine. I want to broaden my horizons in 2014 and I reckon a stint as a journo for a while may be the perfect springboard. So, I thought fuck it why not? Any feedback on the structure or content of my CV is welcomed as I may pimp myself out and about the mass media a lot more in the short term future. I will add it to the end of the blog let me know what you think J

So then: Novembers Shenanigans!

(Magpie saviour)

This whole farm ownership thing really did my fucking head in, but luckily reason prevailed and as usual Knuckles the Magpie turned up to save the day! Riding a fucking white swan of all things! He is one elegant bastard folks! Juxtapose that with his dark self and you have the full package I guess! Elegant darkness! Fuck me Jock Strappers that could the name of his first album! I’m a genius!

Wander how is marriage is panning out? Fuck marrying a vicar! Talk about someone who’s bound to harp on the whole time?! BOOM! There is actually no stopping me today, the end!

Me and Knuckles are catching up New Years Eve any way for a good gossip. Of course anything he tells me I will publish all over my blog – Standard!

Me and him met up just before Xmas…. As we went to see Paul Daniels!! What a legend!!!!  Aaand I would still smash McGee (Hash-tag time of the cougar). During the interval Knuckles and Daniels took each other on at card counting! Knuckles won of course as he hid the Ace of Spades in one of his spats! Magical legend versus magical legend – it was the most epic thing I’ve seen all year!

                                 Daniels and Mcgee: Epic

So then: The farm now!

(Mission to Manheim)

The Dramatic world that encapsulates my very being has been sold to Lord Augustus. He has installed a new manager; Beth, to oversee operations. On my advice we have gone into beef jerky production to justify my existence, as Augustas wanted an arable only operation at first.

We all feared Lord Augustas arrival for two reasons. One; he was in America hunting big foot! The second he wasn’t go to be around here much, managing the place long arm from his other estate. So A; he’s a conspiracy theorist and B; this makes him harder to manipulate. Great.

Worst of all he drives blue and not green! So when the first New Holland tractor arrived we duly had to burn it. He saw sense after that though…

Turns out he’s alwright! AND well into tractor pulling! How cool is that?!

Tractor pullers are the fighter pilots of tractor operators. They go beyond the edge of the envelope, off the desk and through the stationary cupboard. Although if they are called Cut ‘n’ Paste Wayne they usually don’t come out again….. Oooooh – such a bitch ;-)

Any way he’s wheeled a 1994 John Deere 8400 half way across Nebraska and for that I respect him as it’s not even his weapon of choice.

                                Tractor Pullers: The elite, best of the best 

TGK literally worships him. How immature is that?! She’s all over him like one of her rashes that she gets when people shout at her. I know they didn’t have comprehensive schools in her day, but she’s behaving like a girl that would attend one.

Any way bless her; he liked the cut of her gib! He is sending her to Manheim! Yes you heard that right Jock Strappers…. To fucking the John Deere factory! There she will drive the best! Pushing the new 7R series all they way from the envelope to the fucking shredder! He wants a custom tractor platform to design a tractor puller from scratch! Wants her to buy a Chassis, to convert, It’s going to epic!

                                Deere 7310R: Waiting for stationary 

                                 Factory: Home of the best 

And he’s not a conspiracy theorist either thank fuck!

Turned out he really doesn’t like the idea of advancements in automation when it comes to agricultural machinery.

The truth is he had been stalking a company called ‘The Autonomous Tractor Corporation’ based out of North Dakota. They have produced 25 driverless tractors this year! Their software geeks reckon they are at the forefront of a complete tractor re-design! Their Aspergic computer nerdic cunts claim that tractor progression has been small scale over the last decades resulting in massive machines that are too expensive. They also say the cab is redundant too. Lord Augustus and I say that computer geeks are best placed in dungeons where they can wank over pictures of their mum’s, wear thick glasses and be but fucked by… everyone. Because that is what the square cunts deserve.

                                Autonomous Tractor Cop's 'Spirit' model: Can get fucked!

Have you never felt the roar of horsepower personified as you put a tractor in gear, ease off the clutch and let it do its thing? No. of course you haven’t, because you don’t understand feelings because you are Aspergic computer nerds. Stick to World of Warcraft, Freudian issues with your mums and being single forever.

If you hadn’t guessed by now, automatic tractor computer developers: You are on Jock’s radar. Be scared. That is all.

Lord Augustus has the codes to your main frame – gutted.

So then: The weather!

(Horse Cunts)

It’s been stormy and wet of late. I like a bit of wind though, it gets the female cows a bit jumpy! I kinda like that when I come up behind them by surprise…it adds to the tension…. OOOOOSH!

Any way the last thing you would catch me doing is harping on about how fucking bad the conditions are! Saturated fields, flooded farm yards are all good with me.. Except when Beth the manager instructs Handsome James to hose down my muddy balls!

I worry about him doing that, I think he likes it too much. Sometimes I turn my head when he’s doing it, and he’s really focusing hard on the task… like really staring at my balls, as he sprays them. It’s creepy. Could be worse though, could be Dave the Piercer washing them, because I know for a fact he’s a raving queer. Any way, they are clean, massive and empty most of the time. 

                                 Handsome James: Likes to touch 

So, horse cunts harp on about the conditions. (you have to write or say the word ‘cunt’ when ever talking about horses (cunts) because they are cunts).

I was aghast when I saw Dorset’s finest – Dorset Fire and Rescue, all over twitter saving some horse cunts from a flooded field after the storms. What a bunch of nonsing cuntish excuses for farm workers.

I mean what the fuck? They even refuse to make plough nowadays! – Do you even know who much it costs to buy a reversible plough for a tractor to pull?!

                                Tractor mounted plough: Costs nuff!

                                            Horses: Are cunts

Lazy moaning horse cunts. I’d be embarrassed to fuck, if fireman had to rescue me! Well to be fair a whole crew of muscle Mary fire man wouldn’t be able to rescue my black ass from shit!

I’m so heavy with topside brawn they would need to get the National Guard in > Fact! We are talking helicopters, the lot – Those massive ones with two blades. Horses are cunts. Believe that.

So then: The Antagonists

(Under-Card Playerz)

Well poor old Solent Jen appears to be hooked on our dramatic world. After the events of last month she has grown ever more investigative bless her. You can usually find her remote controlling some kind of cheap Amazon inspired quad copter, flying it over my field as I smash the hell out of Armantude… (And her friends). She reckons she will catch me illustrating my ability to talk and boss humans around. But I reckon she’s pretty much into animal action myself. And fair play! I’m not ready to judge her yet, her cleavage is currently scoring a 7.69. As soon as it breaks 8 I think I will need to see those babies for real. If they score high in an actualisation way, I may even get her that interview she would bend over backwards to get! – Hash-tag  - If that happened I would seriously skewer it.

Alan and Sharon Buzzard are going to be incredible to work with. I know they speared my best friend – Frank the Peacock but they are such a bunch of cunts its actually quite comedic. They are currently living in a caravan in north Wiltshire, plotting to get back in the area somehow. I’m looking forward to it personally… Because…Well I’m lost for words, they are literally THAT dysfunctional – I mean what the fuck, HOW OLD IS SHE IN RELATION TO HIM?  #childline #banardos #socialservices

Remember what I said about my CV? Its below – please take a look :0)

Jock the Bull

Augustus Farm, Clundy, Dorset.

 jockthebull@gmail.com

jockthebull.blogspot.co.uk

jockthebull.tumblr.com

twitter.com/jockthebull - @jockthebull

Profile

Powerful and influential Stock Bull with immense stamina and incredible lines. Creative and loyal with a huge online presence and a massive following. Analytical and judgemental with security experience and a strong will for rural justice. Resilient and productive with a truly spectacular output. Fit and hard working with a beautiful nose ring and massive balls. 

Employment history

2011 to Present: Augustus Estates and Enterprises Limited: Stock Bull

·      Duties include, well you know the drill ;-) #smashit

·      Additional duties include: Show work, 2014 calendar TBC: All enquiries to go through my agent: Handsome James – roager_2@hotmail.com

·      Farm security: Coordinates and delivers full vigilante response to fuel thefts, sometimes wears cape

·      Diversification management: implemented and took to market new beef jerky venture, encompassing a strong brand identity and 3 varieties, yum!

Voluntary work

Agricultural Journalist and Commentator: Self employed.

·      Successfully manages and contributes to the above-mentioned blogs.

·      Full website in development for January 2014: jockthebull.com

·      Edits submissions from guest writers and manages alternative monthly segments

Key achievements

·      Successful social media straplines, including: ‘The fruit of my loins single headedly keeps Burger King in business’, ‘The Adder Bites’ and ‘Too hard for hibernation’.

·      Over 200 daily visits to main blog

·      A LOT of rosettes

Key skills

·      Power: (I am very Powerful)

·      Social media wizz:(The internet loves me, the end)

·      Stamina: (I can go for hours)

·      Leadership: (I walk, others follow)

Hobbies

I like to swear, a lot. It’s been hard not say cunt up to press, but all farm workers say it and all farm managers think it. If you want to read my blog, please prepare yourself for this. I also like airfix kits, learning new languages, cake and John Deere’s.