TWO FOR JOY

 

The waters are receding somewhat and with this reduction in saturation comes relief.

Back out in the field now, at one with nature, in the fresh air!

I’m still seeing badgers daily but I swear some of them are hallucinations. I think I may have gone just a little bit batshit over this whole scenario, being all enclosed and all.

Knowing that there are antagonists out there plotting your downfall is really not cool. Especially when your closest allies can only offer a small bit of support on the flanks

Don’t get me wrong Knuckles the Magpie is a killer. But I can’t help thinking he is under the thumb somewhat now that he is back with Sparkles.

You should never go back. It will never work.

She’s confiscated his cross bow too!

Anyway Frank the peacock has stepped up. He felt annoyed he couldn’t find The Buzzards so he went to extreme lengths to get amazing disguises and began working on a strategy to infiltrate the buzzard community, gain their trust and then get me a location.

Needless to say Frank found them (standard), by seducing a vulnerable young female who was once head over heals in love with Alan Buzzard! Frank prayed on her openness and groomed her into some finger pointing pillow talk!

Turns out Mr. Buzzard had left her on a whim for an older model - aka Sharon Buzzard. She always had her suspicions that he liked the older birds as she said he used to cry if she didn’t carve up his road kill with a knife and fork during teatime.

Furthermore, she even caught him once smelling the patch in the nest where she had been sitting, after she inadvertently returned from the bathroom ahead of time, to ask where the toilette paper had gone.

What a cunt of the highest order Jock Strapper’s.

Anyway, Frank’s charms led him right to them.

And I now know where they live.

Once said target has been lit up, I’m going to fucking have ‘em!  - All å la Pulp Fiction esque by getting truly medieval on their arses!

Nothing will give me a greater sense of Joy than to watch those two burn I tell ya! I have lived on fucking broken glass more or less since Christmas. With no sound back up.

Don’t get me wrong it could have all gone tits up! Frank’s disguises have let him down before! One of his fake side burns fell off his face once mid banter during a young farmers speed dating evening! He is still alive though.

I get a great deal of joy watching the finest in their field do their thing. Im the best stock bull in the business and I like to think of all high performers, no matter what their background; as equals. A sort of family in a weird way. And Frank the Peacock can infiltrate where most people fear to tread. What a legend.

Normally I would be singing the praises of Knuckles the Magpie. In this sort of crazy situation it’s usually him that has the last laugh in either the burning or the cutting. I’ve said it before and I will say it again: Knuckles the Magpie is one dark bastard.

‘But hang on’ – I hear you cry…. ‘You haven’t followed through yet’ – the saga is incomplete! The Buzzards are still at large! ‘Surely he will hit the final nail in’?

Well he won’t.

His darkness needs to be re-awakened…

Sure he pretty much saved the farm single winged in the autumn, but boy oh boy is he paying for that now.

He’s had a few pot shots at this badger incursion but Sparkles the Magpie has confiscated all his weapons. Even his fucking thumbscrews!

Sparkles the Magpie – In case you didn’t know – is a cunting Christian.

She is religious.

Full of joy and understanding, yet forbids murder.

Well now, as the tone of this retaliation is medieval I couldn’t give a flying fuck. Bad things were done in the name of goodness back then Jock Strapper’s

Knuckles loves this bitch. He’s smitten. The signs were there that he was going to break free and become endarkend once more. But he hasn’t. So I thought I would hurry the process by paying her a little visit, when she was all-alone, for a little…. theology sesh.

So yesterday I tracked her down whilst she was tending to a wounded robin that a cat had half mauled to death by one of the hay barns.

(Btw – I don’t talk much about cats. They exist that’s for sure and make up a significant aspect of my dramatic world…#staytuned).

I walked straight up to her weeping her pathetically enlarged and enlightened heart out. I asked her if she took joy out of the fact that she was repressing a true elite.

She came back with smiles, harping on about the positives in my life and how the farm has had the capacity to help stranded cows from Somerset in these dangerous times. She said I ought not to think of getting one up on the Buzzards. I politely pointed out that it is in fact fucking even that we need to be getting as well as setting an example. I even anchored my notion accordingly…

"The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you." 

- Ezekiel 25:17

Sparkles then pointed out that it was in fact Tarantino ’94. She then said the original version was only ‘like a sentence long’ ‘and probs didn’t happen’.

So I was all like ‘whatevs love’ and went to tell her that I was, in fact going to get hold of a magpie that is so hell bent on mindless violence, that she once ended up on Crime Watch as an unrecognisable Newcastle United fan who went on a rampage through south west London after Chelsea smashed them 4:0 at the bridge. Literally the destruction trail that was left through the capitol could only have been done by a maniacal Geordie football hooligan. Nope it was her. It was all her and she is all powerful..

Hang on a minute, why do cunting Christians get great delight in telling us that stuff in the fucking Bible isn’t fucking true – and they do it with a fucking smile as well. It either fucking happened or it didn’t fucking happen. Bunch ‘o cunts.

Any way we are gonna get a bit regal down on the farm in the next few weeks…

That’s right Jock Strappers! It gives me great joy to announce that I’m going to bring back Princess Cara of Purbeck!

She is then going to go to the Buzzards layer, well; I say layer, more of a caravan in a tree.

No, really it is.

One of those really small ones, wedged in a mighty oak tree, about fifteen feet up.

This is what we are dealing with.

This is what Frank the Peacock has dug all the way into the cold boggy ground to spy on. (Loobed up accordingly in highest quality thermal good fat)

This is what will be torn apart and burnt down.

This is what Sparkles the Magpie will watch and enjoy.

This is how we will educate her angelic ass into seeing things clearly.

I have sensed great fear in her, since I hinted heavily that her highness will be returning. Without Knuckles in my corner, I am officially a man down.

Man she must give good head or something.

Who cares any way. Those buzzards are going to burn for making me feel like they have and I don’t care that I need to bring back one of the most craziest bitches in history to do my bidding.

#joy