OPERATION JOB KEEP WEEK ONE!

So here we go Jock Strappers: operation Job Keep week one!

                                          DICKS - Go here 

My notice ends at the end of the month. Handsome James (the farms trade union rep with a shit haircut), has negotiated me a handsome package. I get my own call of duty, anything, anywhere. But it's not about that.

When I moved here I was a mess, I was questioning my identity and was seriously worried about the size of my abs.

But Frank The Peacock and Top Gun Kes picked me up off the floor and built me into an analytical, self-assured powerhouse of a bull!

Dave the Piercer made me look pretty with a platinum plated bull ring and Mad Harry the vet advised the right combination of diet and exercise to get buff. Royally buff. Fucking award winningly buff.

                                                     JTB - Buff

This place was the making of me, the place where I met my amazing friends and I'm not about to see it all go up in smoke, like so many of my family did in the foot and mouth crisis at the turn of the century, over some cunt lord owner bloke.

I’ve convened a meeting with Beth The Manager to Persuade her to get on some additional farming guidance.

I will push to her ego and big up her Ag. distance learning course that got her the gig but at the same time cite some room for improvement off of the margins and that. Then I’m gonna scare her rigid about the repercussions from Lord Augustus if she doesn't come up with the goods!

Il make out like I've got her back in my last month and I want to help her succeed. And in doing so I've hired some professional and impartial agricultural advisors from DEFRA. But they won't be DEFRA advisors Jock Strappers, however they will be doing a lot of "advising".

So this is how it brakes down:

I tell the advisors, that the jerky is good to go and that the branding is Kosha or Halal or however the fuck it's supposed to be killed, that its gonna make a shed load of cash over the long term with minimal start up capital. They show her their badges, not badgers (controversial), she's all like - yeah I'm new to this - seems legit! Beth The manager green lights it, gives me another chance. The end.

So it's down to the "advisors" to work the magic and I'm leaving it to the best advisor in the business to work his magic and source me some scoundrels to do my bidding!

Handsome James will find them. Of that I have no doubt. It's your turn to deliver dear boy, on a higher level than the package you negotiated for my redundancy, but to be fair Handsome, you and your packages really do have room for improvement. And no we are not talking farming.

Any way, This plan better work, as I'm routed to this area and don't want to move! Frank The Peacock is still standing-by in a desolate woodland shack, eagerly awaiting my order to go all "agent orange" on the farms ass.

Frank doesn't just make people disappear; he can make swathes of woodland go too! Yeah that's right, we're talking more than just fruit juice! We're talking the wrath of a bat shit crazy ex military peacock tooled up with some of the dirtiest chemicals known to anyone.

So maybe you want to know how the wedding between Knuckles and Sparkles went 

Well it was Beautiful Jock Strapper's!

Christian to Pagen...... Ashes to ashes

Two magpies juxtaposed spiritually but connected by cause. Magpies are at their most happiest in pairs, and blessed are theeee that want to see these two right! This is chalk and cheese in full effect! It can work and will work!

Jerry The Adder (too hard for hibernation), was on photographic duties and took some epic    snaps..... proper ‘artsy’ just like his Movemeber tash, Bomber Command would be proud Jerry!

                                          Movember in Dorset - Everyone takes part - Even Adders 

All his pictures were great....

He got Cut ‘n’ paste Wayne literally spinning around in circles chasing his own grey pony tail - he added some quite respectable lenz flair - but to be fair I had slipped old Cut ‘n’ Paste a few dabs of premium MDMA. 

Poor bloke didn't know what planet he was on. Serves him right, for wearing a waste coat that would be more at home with a mid nineties Irish folk band. Hashtag ‘Levelling the Land’ as well as having long grey hair like a cunt.

Never mind, He was last seen in Phoenix Arizona, frying eggs on some tarmac and trying to explain the rules of rugby league to a ginger sorority bird. Big up the lack of sex pest lists in the US Cut ‘n’ Paste! You crack on, you had a busy harvest dear boy.

TGK was photographed multi tasking..., #photoshoppedFOSHO! ;-)

I ate my first vol au vent, salty mushrooms – yuk!

It was ok.

No, no it was pointless.

                                          Pointless

Dave The Piercer was photo’d naked in a feeding trough all greyscale and in a silk white shirt reading Shakespeare’s Sonnets. Talk about art house. Talk about run for the hills.

Knuckles and Sparkles then did one… off on their honeymoon to Stonehenge. (I Know, don’t).

Its weird though, just before he left Knuckles said to me that the caravan club needs to be shut down for good, through me his legendary arson instigating Zippo lighter and then told me to use it when needs must.

Any way - Beth my dear..... Let Handsome James and his army of advisors work his magic!

Please.