OPERATION BY BY BUZZARDS

Change Jock Strapper’s, is something we all have to adapt to. Change is like probability, If we weren’t in the universe I’m betting my right top-bull bollock that things might happen or might not depending on whatever factors are out there to influence them; like asteroids and shit.

It’s the same with change, sometimes its subtle, sometimes its blatantly obvious, (keep tracking that receding hair line Handsome). But all in all change is real and you have two choices. Fight it or fear it!

Unless you’re Jock the fucking Bull!

Boom!

I like to keep things in balance and good order. This place was ticking over nicely before Matt the Farmer up and left. Now we have some big foot huntin’ cunt of a man owning this place from thousands of miles away and a new bird in managing the place in his shadow.

Speaking of new birds, now that Frosty Fabio the frightened pheasant has now been fed and intends to stay around here. He was going to do a pilgrimage to Wiltshire, but I stopped him in his tracks sharpish, I mean, white horses (cunts) on hills, what the fuck’s all that about? I know we have one in Weymouth, but the poor have got to have something to look at. Fabio met Frank the Peacock in the woods, hence the “frightened” aspect of his call sign.

I think it freaked him out a tad! Coming across a peacock standing en-guard on top of a barrel of Agent Orange and wearing an ammunition belt.

Frank hopped down to introduce himself. Then a whole convo about flying ensued. DON’T TALK ABOUT FLYING TO FRANK THE PEACOCK, he will end you MI6 style. Basically, he got pissed once and crash-landed into a bonfire. Took him months to grow his tail back. It was torture to watch.  

Any way, keeping in the bird context, as you may recall Beth the Manager has charged me with evicting the buzzards that have pitched up and taken advantage of our unmanaged and desolate woodlands.

And this brings me back to change. We have two dynamics at play here. One is I’ve got to get all bad ass, go in bull shit crazy to this buzzards ghetto that’s developing and the other one is to sweet talk this sweet cheeks manager into keeping me around. 

See, fight and fear!

And then there is Jock’s way J

I’m adding an extra element to this change choice: Manipulation and control. So that’s two, but you get the point. You can manipulate change to either turn it back to the sameness that comforts you, or come up with something new. I kind of agree with Beth, I want balance but I also need to be the Top Bull around here, know what I’m saying?

So, Beth the Manager will act on what she thinks is good for her! I will happily fight the first element of change: The parasite buzzards.

I must say, it was quite an easy operation. I rolled up, as in rolled up their yurt type tent thing. Introduced my self as the bastion of their nightmares, the beginner of all their endings and the bull of their inner fear.

Alan Buzzard then said there was an issues with my semantic reasoning, sentence composition and errors with delivery?

Then Sharon Buzzard started harping on about how she was the High Priestess of Hunting, with the claws of the moment, the enforcement of the day and the talons of the night.

I was like ‘whatever love’,

Oh and speaking of claws you cant impress me with your cougarish ways. She is soooo much older than him!!!!!

Husband/ son man and wife, yeah blurred lines indeed Jock Strappers !

Any way they flew off, over the farm and over yonder.

                                               LIKE A FUCKING BUZZARD SHOULD BE LIVING HERE!                                               

I took a chilled out meandering stroll back to the farm and when I get there

Health and fucking safety hade rocked up!

Beth was freaking out as the online food hygiene accreditation learning provider she had sought out wasn’t exactly legit!

Further more, they had busted Jerry the Adder, mid cook up and with a chefs hat on!

He was making the final marinade for his spicy jerky variant.

All I heard was some beurocratic sort - who was definitely on the spectrum - chattin shit:

“You have an adder making your product for gods sake“

Jerry’s reply, classic –

“Are you insinuating I’m unclean dear boy? I’ll have you know my families venom is so pure its been used as the primary constituent of hemeroid removal cream for kings and queens”!

                                             There's no limit to Jerry the Adder's skills!

Beth the Manager thought on her feet in a brillaint way! Told him to go fuck himself and that it was being prepared for personal use!

Alwright! You go-girl!

The she dropped the old, this is too stressful and difficult to pull off, must pull the plug on this jerky enterprise and end your prospects of staying here….

-         (Beth the Manager deploying The fear aspect of change Jock Strappers).

So, unfortunately, I had to… Jock it up a bit by using my third aspect of change:

Manipulation and control.

I squared right up to her, demanded she listen to me and said I couldn’t take this stress!

And how dare she build me up and up only to pull the rug form under my feet!

I said that wasn’t just bad management it was cuntish! I know I sad that! To a human!

Of course speaking of bad management……

I informed her that since she had arrived she had allowed non farm workers to produce food product on the premises, not even paid them to do so, used animals to do a humans job, used fake food hygiene certificates, allowed food production in a regular barn, taken advantage of labour rights by using a stock bull as a game keeper and over populated the woods with vermin by not addressing the balance of the countryside from the off.

Then I went on to say that management was about prioritising, and this place was so out of balance that I reckoned Lord Augustus would have to cut short his American venture, big foot or no bigfoot in order to clean up this mess!

….should he find out that is ;-)

And since he hasn’t found said beasty yet, he would be very cross indeed!

Wouldn’t he Beth, my dear?

She now has the builders in and is converting the barn properly.

And Whoever grassed Jerry will be getting their own individual glass of Orange Juice.

You see Jock Strappers, to affect change you need a degree of control. But having control and being in control are two different things.

The manager may have operational control of the farm -

But there is only one Top Bull.