Discount
Dennis, The Black Mamba and Jerry The Adder are two badass snakes in every
aspect of the for mentioned scientifically proven, academic description of a
lizard that can’t fucking walk.
They’ve got it
all, stature, stealth and supremacy. I call this my “Triple S” catagorisation
of snakes.
It might seem
odd to you Jock Strapper’s that I speak such fondly of these slithery
sidekicks. Lets not forget though that three of these skillful serpents have
worked security for me in the past as well had a very commendable stab at
taking on Knuckles The Magpie.
Snakes don’t
come cheap. To get a good one your definitely looking at paying above minimum
wage and no doubt they will want a whole host of other add-ons and perks as the
deal matures. So initial discussions regarding remuneration is key when
attempting your first contract negation with one of these startlingly strong
sordid warriors!
This is why I
developed my Triple S measure for when recruiting security snakes.
For example, as
you know I also employed Metal Face Mitch! The deadly Australian Taipan! Some
say the Taipan has the most poisonous venom on the planet…..
That one bight
and you are history…..
That they can
live it up with ease in the Australian wilderness…
….Yes his venom
is supreme, killing anything it touches in minutes.
…..Yes he is
stealthy, he can creep up on you and deliver that killer shot, closer and with
more accuracy then TGK in an F22 closing in on a Russian ballet school during
dress rehearsal!
But stature,
erm no. Metal Face Mitch is a bog Australian, un-educated, untrustworthy fool
of a snake. He’d sooner BBQ a mouse then bight It and that’s because he likes
his food burnt or burnt.
What a retard.
So as all good hiring managers have guessed thus far, I got him for a steal.
Which for your information is undisclosed Jock Strapper’s.
But every once
in a while you get presented with someone who steps up, who stands for more,
who sings for glory and who well and truly seduces employers.
What do you do
when you meet a snake who surmounts your expectations and surpasses your
selection criteria by a sizeable distance.
Well you add
another S Jock Strapper’s, that’s what you do!
The fourth S is
Sovereignty. This is secured only for snakes with a more Royal status…..And Big
King Tom, the King Cobra has all four S’s and some.
BKT has been
around these parts for a while.
He’s actually
Chinese, but speaks with a weird American draw, a sort of Boston/deep south
hybrid. He must be well travelled.
BKT - sovereign security
BKT really does
have some fascinating stories to tell when you get to know him. He’s a bit
quiet a first, but the sort of quite that indicates raw confidence. He once
told me about his capers from when he was in captivity in America. He once
single handedly wiped out an entire biker gang because they wanted to
aggressively take over his captors tattoo parlor.
Biker gangs do
that sort of shit over there. He bust out his tank, using his tail as a whip
and his teeth as daggers and laid into the gang big time! He said there were
poisoned middle-aged double denim skinheads and bits of broken Harley Davidson
from ass holes to breakfast time by the time he had finished!
On reflection
BKT pointed out that it must have been a degree of psychological transference
that made him want to protect his captor so much. So he bit him to death and
then ate him just to prove to himself that he wasn’t crazy. That must have been
where he laid the foundations for his philosophical and spiritual outlook.
Biker gang - annihilated
As well as
having supersonic reactions and a somewhat sly disposition, he also possesses
quite a lot of serenity for a serpent with his power. I’m thinking that’s
because he’s Chinese and clearly a Buddhist.
As we all know
Jock Strapper’s King Cobras are the longest of all venomous snakes, growing up
to nearly twenty feet long! When confronted by danger or gypsy cunts, King
Cobras can rear up to nearly one third of their overall length….. And still
move forward! If you get bitten you are properly fucked and may die within
about thirty minutes.
Therefore, BKT
heads up the security around here to extremely high standards. No one messes
with him!
So other than
me, maybe a gypsy king with magical powers and a mongoose, there aren’t that
many threats that a king cobra bows down to. Even a mongoose (although resistant
to its neurotoxins), usually won’t take one on due to its size.
Until now Jock
Strapper’s!
Can you
remember when I got hold of Knuckles’ diary and he specifically mentioned
palling up with some dudes out in Africa? And more precisely the bit about some
new additions to the farm?
Well, Bandit
the Honey Badger is now in full effect!
Honey Badgers
are evil little cunts that will literally take on the world. They have been
described as the most fearless animal in contemporary existence! They are more
anatomically related to weasels than badgers and have skin thicker than then
Ermantude’s wizards sleeve!
They can dig
into the ground harder and faster than Cut ‘N” Paste Wayne after a line of coke
and using the Farm’s new JCB 550-80 Agri-Plus!
Any way, this
little asshole talks with a staunch South African eccint – like what I did
there ;-) And takes no prisoners. He is ruthless, garish and has one massive
chip on his shoulder!
Me and him are
going to come blows at some point but you can tell this nasty ass critter
really doesn’t give a shit.
JCB - slow in comparison
So when this
little African mercenary gave his CV speculatively to Matt The Farmer, he was
clearly impressed! Bandit has dealt with insurgents, African gypsy cunts,
freedom fighters, dictators, refugees, terrorists, parrots, white supremacists,
lions, Zulu’s and ……. cobra’s!!!! In fact cobra was his staple diet for a long
while out on safari!
So I ranted at
Matt The Farmer for hiring this gun for hire. He didn’t even put this phase of
recruitment it passed me! he went straight in there and upset the dynamics of
the team. I shouted at him that this was clearly not a well thought out
pro-active approach that’s is going to snowball into tears before badger time.
Bandit - argument
And guess
what….
BKT and Bandit came
to blows within twenty-four hours of knowing each other. Bandit says he likes
to work alone whilst BKT is all about the tag team.
Two nights ago TGK
had parked her mighty John Deer on the edge of a field by the entrance to the
farm for the night. She thought it would be safe as houses there, especially
with Big King Tom on the prowl!
Within half an
hour of dusk, gypsy cunts burst onto the scene ready to siphon the diesel from
the Deere!
As soon as they
approached and before I had time to get my cape, BKT and Bandit were on the
scene!
Just as Bandit
was due to literally bite their hands and feet off, BKT rose up and quietly
asked them to leave.
As smoke from the
spinning wheels of a retreating Transit van filled the damp night air the
argument of justice between these two ensued.
Bandit started
kicking off saying his way was more effective and that he ate cobra’s for
breakfast! Then BKT explained that the he was in fact a King Cobra and he could
try and start something if wanted but at the end of the day if he did, he would
really cut him up.
I arrived on
the scene moments later and explained to them that they were indeed my
employees, that I was the one true powerful one on the farm and if they wanted
kill each other they could piss off back to Africa and lay it on with the other
murdering cunts that live there.
They did
actually listen to me and both went on their separate ways.
The next
morning I saw Bandit trying to mount a wrapped silage bale and as he was doing
so he was telling it what a lucky bitch it was.
I don’t think I can put with any more weirdness on this farm. I also
reckon that we haven’t seen the last the dodgy dynamic between Bandit and BKT
either, as I saw BKT doing tale ended pull-ups in sets of fifteen repetitions
on the cross bar of a grain silo.
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