BLACK BUCKET!

Well hello there Jock Strapper’s!!

Oooh deer looks like that’s going to become a regular strap line…. Oooh I literally can’t stop myself today… you will be itching for more….Get that!...Jock itch! No, don’t get that > lose some weight.

In all seriousness I wanted to guide you through a controversial aspect of contemporary farming in this post. I may have touched on it slightly in the past but I feel as though I ought to put my spin on things….

Health and safety and agriculture are not best friends. This is the same the world over as farming is a dangerous game. Every type of farming has its risks, ranging from the dangers of chemicals within arable farming, to the dangers of working with animals and livestock.

                                          Accidents: Everywhere

People die on a regular basis doing this job. I’m a sensi-bull, I wouldn’t stampede anyone unless they really fucking deserved it. But other livestock may have their own agenda's and may not have the opportunity to release their anger via blogging platforms and twitter.

The equipment farmers have to use is dangerous too. Back in the day it was common place for cab-less tractors to tip over causing all sorts of bad things to happen. Even today, people get hurt by connecting implements and falling as they climb on slippery metal.

                                           Back in the day: Dangerous

                                           Work that out!

It’s not just moving equipment that hurts people, the static stuff is just as bad. There are constant issues with ropy buildings and static machinery. I’m not even going to mention slurry pits.

Farmers are highly skilled people. Multitasking an array of physical, emotional and analytical duties is the mainstay of this outstanding vocation. I have so much respect for these guys. One minute you are a welder, the next you are an HGV driver, the next you are an Excel specialist. There is no job like it on earth folks. So they should be able to fix their stuff with ease and privacy right?

Last week I came across the story of a farmer using a telescopic loader, large grain bucket and some staff to mend a barn roof I was shocked at the response. Not from the various social network feeds or the farming press…but the actual cunt that reported the farmer, responding to what he saw by taking a photo and giving it to the relevant authorities. The comments that were gathered over Facebook and twitter were fairly collated in this week’s Farmers Weekly magazine however, taking into account peoples points of view from both sides.

                                          Recent example: controversy 

And there are two sides to this story. One a conscientious bystander worried for the welfare of someone’s employees or two, a cunt who wants to stir shit and doesn’t get laid because he’s too scared to have his genital warts looked at.

This guy has infuriated me Jock Strapper’s. It may actually be apparent (and dare I say it) but I think I need some perspective…

Yes, me!

So who else to lay things straight (standard for him) and give me some impartial and diplomatic discourse on the matter than Handsome James….

I’ve finally nailed the little twat down and he’s going to do a bit of a Q and A for me!

He is used to seeing things from the eyes of the worker as he has trade union experience and generally talks loads of shite!

Me: It’s about bloody time finally we got together and actually did one of these Q & A's…….

HJ: I like to make an entrance.

Me: You can take the Aviators off > we are in the farm office.

HJ: Never.

Me: So.. ‘The Photo’ … Bureaucracy gone mad, shit stirrer or justified responder?

HJ: OK. I grew up in the countryside. During the long hot summers of days gone by I liked to help out local farmers get the hey in. we would stack up massive articulated bale karts with small bales. A telescopic loader would drop them in eights or whatever using a specialist grab at one end of the kart and then we would build them up tight at the other. This thing would be moving slowly connected to a tractor down each swath or as ordered by the loader driver. The kart was high enough on its own as it was a converted lorry trailer. By the time we were at full height we were about..

Me: You talk… A lot. Nutshell please>>

HJ: Well to get down from the bale kart we would get on the telescope loader, with its arm up high and balance on the bale grab, whilst the operator lowered it..

Me: Your point being?

HJ: We thought it was normal.

Me: So…

HJ: If my mum saw me doing that I would have been a dead man.

Me: So the cunt stirring the shit is justified?

HJ: I didn’t say that, it’s not in context. Who’s to say if that incident was safe or not. You mention safety and everyone starts to identify procedures and policies and why are they are wrong from the get go.

Me: Eh?

HJ: Immediately people were commenting things like…If this was to be done in accordance with procedure, law or whatever; you would need an 'xy and z'. and that is bad because. We don’t know from that photo what the risks are. But on the flip side there could be no risks. They may have been safe in that bucket or it may have been a loose bucket and extremely unsafe.

Me: HAHAHAHA ..Sorry for laughing I just had visions of you actually being unsafe with a bucket..> hashtag ewwww, That’s probably something you know a fair bit about…

HJ: You really are a dick. This is my job: Take it seriously.

Me: Sorry

HJ: Health and safety is all about balance… Fuck sake Jock, not literally, dogs cock their legs, not champion bulls, grow the fuck up!

Me: Sorry

HJ: You’re such a dick. Anyway. This is a dangerous game. You have to know the risks, manage them, accept them, live with them and respect them. You cannot mollycoddle high output in short time frames. If a combine needs to crack on in a weather window it has to, end of.. and do it on the double.  Agriculture will never be any different. But. And this is a big but… Workers deserve to be looked after. Workers deserve to be safe and above all else, educated. On the job learning is best for this, which is why I am developing some health and safety road show style events in the build-up to this year’s harvest.

Me: Wow.

HJ: Sitting in buckets can be very safe, or they can dislodge, drop right on you and be all consuming.

Me: Isn’t it you that usually does the bucket dropping?

HJ: Literally, the sun has come out Jock and tonight I might have to flame grill your black ass on my BBQ. Stop it now with the fucking innuendos.

Me: Sorry. Thanks for that Handsome, you fence sitting nonce.

HJ: Always ;-)

                                          Black bucket: Not even going to go there ;-)

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NEXT WEEK: It's all about the Sparkles.......