They say that out of the ashes a phoenix will rise.
They say that from every bad incident you develop a new edge of resilience and
that you will become a better person. They say where there is loss, extra
strength develops. And they say that all that is burnt is merely a patch for a
new beginning.
Yeah
whatever.
This week saw the birthday party for Handsome
James. The devastation that ensued is indescribable and has left serious
consequences.
He hates birthdays and each year we do our best to
make them nice for him. The year’s theme was Super Mario Brothers. After last
years dinosaur incident which ended up with me stabbing the farmers’ wife in
the fanny we thought we would try something a little tamer.
I went as Bowser – obviously, Top Gun Kes was
Princess Peach, Handsome James was Mario, Frank The Peacock; Luigi. Dave The
Piercer went as that gay little wining mushroom; Toad, the Fat Fuck Farmer went
as Yoshi, Knuckles The Magpie went as Donky Kong and every one else went as
mushrooms.
As we are in the middle of harvest the barns are
all getting full, so we hired a marquee, got in the local boozer to run the
bar, hired some Canadian dancing girls with only maple leaves covering their
modesty, got a magician and some Japanese – but only to scrutinise the
authenticity of our Mario characters.
So the stage was set for a right good piss up.
We began drinking before sunset and by 8pm I was
already arguing with Knuckles. Everyone knows this feud will soon boil over and
no one seems to be trying to mediate. Knuckle’s keeps trying his black magic
shit out just to scare me, but this time what he did took the fucking biscuit.
Come 8.30 he had spiked a load of maple syrup with good knows what, tipped it
over the Canadians and dared Handsome James and Frank The Peacock to lick it
off them.
The Canadian’s were well up for this and by this
point it would seem as though, yet again Knuckles The Magpie had taken over as
life and soul of the party. I had to act fast to get back to the top of the
social ladder. I called over TGK as I had a plan but needed her help….
There is only one way to settle a dispute in super
Mario brothers. You guessed it: Mario Karts.
Within minutes Handsome and Frank were totally
pinned. The Japanese were photographing everything, the Canadians were rubbing
more and more maple syrup on themselves and all the other guests were pissed up
- dressed as mushrooms and sat in circle around Knuckles The Magpie. They were swaying
from side to side as he was sat in the centre of the circle dressed as a
fucking orange gorilla, wearing spats on his feet and playing a silver plated
harmonica.
I had to do all I could not to see red….. but it
was time to see green instead! Now Obviously on this farm we do not have go karts
or a racing track. We also don’t have fucking turtles on clouds with traffic
lights on a fishing rod, but we do have plenty of space and farm kit – so you
get the gist.
We also have powerful John Deere tractors. All that
we lacked were heat seeking red turtle shells but we did still have the weapons
system that Knuckles stole two weeks ago to blow up the other village, which
still was packing plenty of rockets. Against my knowledge TGK fitted it to her tractor,
as she knew deep down the shit was going to hit the fan and she would probably
end up having to save my black ass again!
Me and TGK went and assembled the tractor fleet by
the marquee. For the record John Deere’s are very spacious and yes I do fit in
them and yes I do drive them when I have to.
Still dressed as king Bowser, I stormed into the
marque and stole a microphone off a naked Canadian doing what could only be
described as a crab like manoeuvre whistling the ITV theme tune to Hercule Priorot.
“As the main
protagonist of Super Mario Brothers its naturally fitting I should interfere at
this point and challenge you lot to some Mario kart battle action”
They didn’t take much persuading to get involved. I
looked directly at Knuckles and he just looked at me side on and smiled,
dropping his harmonica carelessly to the ground, as if it had served its
purpose. We only had enough tractors for my main farmyard friends. We jumped in
and pulled up along side each other in a grass meadow next to the marque.
TGK shouted that we would race around the perimeter
in a loop for ten laps. Everyone waved to acknowledge except knuckles who
actually waved a magic wand, still trying his voodoo crap out. Handsome and Frank
did seem a little distant but were still smiling and raring to go!
What happened next will come to pass a defining moment
for my friends and this farm.
We started to race, but it was nothing spectacular;
a load of pissed up revellers driving tractors round the edge of a field at 20
miles an hour. But then Knuckles shunted into the back of Frank The Peacock causing
him to stop. Frank was leading at this point and we drove past as he came to a
halt. Knuckle’s was leading and I was behind him as we carried on down towards the end of the field…. He then stopped abruptly and
I went into the back of him!
What a cunt. I got out and he got out and we
started rowing. He told me to chill the fuck out and it was a stupid idea to go
racing in tractors. I told him our friendship was officially over and he should
leave the farm for a more urban setting suited to his way of life.
He didn’t appreciate this and went to hit me. Out
of nowhere TGK came driving towards us in her massive tractor… went for missile
lock, took the shot quickly and fired a missile at Knuckes. He simply caught it
and threw it back. TGK manoeuvred on a hard left to avoid it…. It missed her and
went travelling down to the end of the field and hit Frank’s tractor!
All I saw was a massive fireball so I went charging
towards it. I have never felt such emotion, as surely he would be
burnt to cinder. I got to the scene and he been blown clear of the burning John
Deere. There were electric blue scorched feathers everywhere but he somehow
managed to still have his Luigi cap on.
He was alive
but unconscious.
I knew that I needed to involve the most dreaded of
people, the person that strikes fear into he hearts of livestock, the person
that takes testicles and fists farm animals for gruesome gratification: I
needed a vet and quickly!
Mad Harry The Vet attended the scene within
minutes. He is fucking twat. In some sort of morbid way, he wares a countryside
cap on back to front so he can be ‘down with the bullocks’. Then he boasts about
his testcial tally on twitter. FFF must have called him up first, as he will
have been listed as ‘a’ for asshole in his mobile phone I expect. Me and Mad
Harry have come to blows a few times over his treatment of my children. But
that’s another story. He dealt with Frank The Peacock quickly and effectively
and carted him off to his animal trauma unit.
Frank will live.
But he will be at the vets for sometime. Weather he
will still be the same peacock in the future time will tell. The MoD have
opened a formal investigation as he must of still been on the books of Mi6.
We have caused chaos on this farm over the last
couple of months with no consequences. We have behaved how we’ve wanted too,
sat as judge, jury and executioner over branded gypsies and maverick vicars
alike.
Long may it fucking continue too but we always had
a resolution. Knuckles The Magpie thinks he owns this patch and has now caused
unrecosilable damage. TGK had my back as always but his skills prevented a
clean kill. I am not going to lower myself by getting a fucking cloak, some
crystals and some fucking incense and taking him on Pagan style. He needs a taste
of his own medicine for sure but not like that. He’s been parading this patch
for too long by himself….what he needs
some company ;-)
twitter.com/jockthebull
NEXT WEEK: May I
introduce you to PRINCESS CARA OF PURBECK.
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