It often feels as though summer hasn’t really
revved up until August. I tend to stick to the farming calendar for my seasonal
perception and harvest is in full swing during this traditionally hot month.
The hours are long and you have to be alert and
responsive to the conditions if you are working in farming. If you are on
holiday you need to be safe and well organised. If you work in an office - You
stupid cunt get a proper job.
So I would like to take some time out and share
with you my guide to managing August! There are some major things afoot for
this month so let me put you in the picture:
If it’s hot get
more milk!
As far as calling up lactating prostitutes go, l’m
all for diversification in your life experiences but as we all know, whore milk
can get a little sour if you visit the same girl three times in a hot August
week. Sour milk in the sunshine is not cool. So drink cows milk instead! And
get a girlfriend. But As we all know cows milk is in crisis!
Farmers seem to be falling into two camps. Those
that have taken direct action; blockading milk distribution plants etc and
those that are using more tact, lobbying the government and organising cohesive
meetings, rallying supporters and political activists alike.
I don’t care what camp you think is right, show the
farmyard some fucking support and buy milk! Just make sure you buy it from
Waitrose.
Be at
Handsome James’ birthday!
August 6, 1981 was a landmark date in
this universe. Handsome James is a typical Leo. He loves a great birthday bash
and it would be great to see you celebrate it with us! Over the last couple of years we have gone for themed birthday parties.
Last year we had a dinosaur themed party and I went as a Styracosaurus. Those
of you that know your Ceratopsians will understand that this was one of the Tyrannosaur’s
battle adversaries.
Unfortunately Fat Fuck Farmer’s Wife went as a
T-Rex. Those of you who know your palaeontology will know what armament that I
possessed as I found a profound urge to fight her and those of you that are sex
therapists will know exactly why he can no longer make her cum. For Those of
your who cant read between the lines… the extent of my front horn made her a
bit too much on the wide side.
This year the theme will be super Mario brothers.
So if you fancy dressing up as a fucking mushroom head on down.
If you need
a combine harvester buy a new John Deere
S690i
Its not just the phallic pipe that’s impressive.
This is now top boy. Class laid down the gauntlet for high capacity combines in
’05 with the Lexion 600. Now John Deere own the rights to the biggest most
powerful combine in the world. The brand big boy in combines is now green all
over and this badass behemoth will have no worries in the shower what so ever. Find
a rich farmer near you to see the green blade rising as you will probably need
to re-mortgage your testicles to own one. It is the only thing to be seen
cutting corn in this August - or November
if your reading this in Canada ;-)
Celebrate
the Olympic Games!
I was disappointed when the IOC turned down my
application to get bull fighting into the Olympics. Not the one that those Spanish
gays do but actual bulls fighting each other. Why should the Olympics be just
about people? I started this sport at the Bath and West show in 2009 and Somerset
has not seen a stampede like it since. No shit; home made cheese with marmite
and chilli was literally hanging out the arse whole’s of the Woman’s Institute.
So if you want to see middle age woman with flaming
arse cheeks, get involved and invent a sport!
Prepare for
Summerslam!
Summerslam is the true main event of the summer pro
wrestling calendar. Brock Lesner will be in the main event. I have trained with
him a few times and beaten him at a tug of war. He once said to me that my moo
was worse than my bite. What a cunt, lucky he didn’t go the same way as the
postman. But its weird how pro wrestling can effect your everyday life….
Me and Knuckles
will go one on one.
Ive been avoiding talking about this and to be fair
Im well up for it Ever since that black and white twat disempowered me at the
village fete, our relationship has worsened. The other day he randomly turned
up in my field holding a scale model Aberdeen Angus bull. He then started
licking its rear end before melting it down with his zippo and smoking it in a
clay pipe. I honestly am not scared of this voodoo shit, all I can say is I
have a surprise lined up for him…..
NEXT WEEK: The Super Mario
Brothers try their hands at conflict resolution…
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