MAGNIFYING FRANK'S BIRTHDAY

So it was Frank The Peacock's birthday last week. He’s not doing too badly for an old fella I guess and recent estimations show that he may even have been 31.

I didn’t know what to buy him and this was proving to be a real dilemma for me. I’ve only known Frank a year and he moved to the farm in strange circumstances. He’s a very open chap. In fact he’s almost too open for an ex private detective and MI6 field agent. He said that the government always liked his style of hiding in plain sight, you know; being really loud and blatant. He talks often about his private clients from when he did surveillance. He followed people suspected of having affairs mainly. He has some really good photos left over, they are in plastic wallets.

He was results driven and managed to do well out of it. He still does a bit now so that’s why it dawned on me to get him a magnifying glass. Literally the day before his birthday I had that idea, so nipped into town to get one from the independent hard ware shop that is still going strong! I love to see private retail flourishing.

Frank loved his present and also loved the birthday bash we held for him on the farm. We hired out one of the barns and had a riot. Frank is one loud mother fucker at the best of times but get some drink in him and its carnage! At the end of the night though, he got into an argument with Top Gun Kes over the specification of an F-14 fighter jet. Frank claimed to have seen one close up perform a negative G  vectoring dive, back when he was following the captain of an aircraft carrier, suspected of claiming fraudulent child tax credits for a Vietnamese Pot Bellied Pig.

Kes maintained this was not possible under any circumstances as it would cause the aircraft to stall, and go into a flat spin. Kes went onto explain in very drunken and bulshy manner, that only a handful of planes in the world had technology advanced enough to perform such a daring manoeuvre. Frank became increasingly impatient with Top Gun Kes’ ignorance and after another few minutes of throwing fast jet stats at each other argumentatively; they began fighting.

Well you can imagine what happened next. All the characters were there and by now and everyone was royally pissed up. I was merely sat in the corner observing as I had done two of the farmers wife’s diazepam mixed into a mojito with some co-didromol on the side. I was fucked and not a position to represent. So I just got my phone out and video’d the fight of justice. The Bison herd had got there late and had clearly been drinking before hand. They just ripped into everyone mercilessly throwing and tossing them around like hay bales. It wasn’t until Dave the piercer shouted ‘enough’ that the pandemonium seemed to settle. Bad move for him as one of the more hardcore Bison planted him on a weather vein, on the farm house roof. Dave now faces North all the time and cant make a noise when he farts.

After the Bison had dealt with Dave everyone seemed to turn on them and discover some deep down strength to even things up. Even Spastic Wayne managed to connect some punches as by now the inside of the barn was smashed to pieces. The make shift bar had been stampeded and there were broken spirit bottles everywhere, straw all over the place absorbing up all the alcohol and smashed up farm machinery littering the floor.

It was just then the barn door was flung open. Every one turned around and immediately stood still as if they were frozen in ice… (like off of  drama when you were at school)… fists in the air and penises still erect.  All you could hear was leaking alcohol coming out of the spirit bottles rolling around the floor. If you thought things couldn’t get any worse you would be wrong. There stood in the shadowy entrance to the barn in a black trench coat and a lit zippo lighter was Knuckles The Magpie.

“Ive fucking had enough of you bison and now you're gonna burn” he said in scarily direct manner.

Then he dropped the lighter to the ground, and whooooof! The whole place went up and we were all on fire. Nice one knuckles you cunt. Most of the Bison burnt to death but all us lot miraculously got out fine, not even a singe!

It was like we were there one minute and not the next. Oh well. The barn burnt to the ground and the next Morning Frank was first up, chirping on about what a great birthday bash he had. Top Gun Kes had a bad head and a new tattoo of 51^st squadron on her wrist. All in all a good night. We didn’t get Dave The Piercer down for a few days. Thought we would leave him impaled by the arse on the weather vein to fester a bit for generally being a dick. Frank then took his new magnifying glass, made a fake ginger moustache from a dead fox at the side of the road by the entrance to the farm and went off on a private detective job for a very nice Russian gentleman who goes by the name of Terrance……

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