Lets keep focussed People!
Operation job keep week 2!
Literally just got out of
my second meeting with Beth The Manager. She bought me a packet of Polo’s. Yeah
that’s right – that’s a proper signifier to show that she is royally out of her
depth.
Doesn’t matter though.
She’s a great girl. Our
first meeting was very productive. I wanked all over the benefits of distance
learning, especially in the practical and fast paced nature of agriculture.
I won her over straight away
and she was man enough to decide that she needed extra guidance as Lord
Augustus was away until Christmas on a hunting expedition the Rocky Mountains.
He’s paid one million
dollars to go out with a hunting party to try and apprehend big foot.
Yeah that what we are now
dealing with Jock Strappers, a new farm manager that has learnt the ropes
online and a titled land owner that believes in big foot, what’s more; has
shelled out a seven figure sum to be part of the chasing pack.
Big Foot - Has a smaller penis than me
Normally I would freak out
with such cuntish behaviour. But I think there is room for manipulation here, a
lot of room.
The only thing I gave away
in this initial consultation was that I was prepared to give my undivided
support during my last month on the farm. Literally call on me for anything. We
left on good terms.
Little did she know of my
plan!
Straight away after I
headed to Handsome James’ new Sheppard’s hut in the woods. Or death shed as the
local girls like to call it. Now I can understand him wanting to get back to
nature and woo young girls back to a log fire in the woods (usually after
giving them a good dose of something that would be best suited to a Taratino
film), but really, he seems to like it there.
Handsome feels my pain. He
worked his socks off through the union to negotiate me choice of duty. To start
with I thought about being and instructor, you know for younger bulls, teach
them a bit of discipline and help them grow, help them to be the elite.
But I want to stay, this
is area is where my closest friends are and that is all I care about.
Luckily we anticipated
this situation and made a provisional plan of action some weeks ago when
everything was in its consultancy phase.
Handsome sorted out some
stooge advisors offering free and impartial advice and guidance form DEFRA.
Their job was big up the jerky idea and it worked a fucking treat. Not as soon
as I turned up at the death shed, Handsome shone a light in the sky and
literally hours later these two stooges tuned up.
God knows where he found
them, but the seemed to look the part.
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Defra - should really issue ID badges
One was called David, a
somewhat portly fellow with a nice beer gut hanging over some tight chord
trousers that were a size too small. Tweed shirt, check, brogues check,
baldness, checks. Result
Second up was portly chap
number two, Steve. He was a little shorter but was dressed smarter. He was
clearly primed to be the lead, with comb over David the wingman, backing up the
ideas with facts and stats.
Steve was wearing a suite
but offset it with a Barbour jacket. He wasn’t as balled as David but was receding
never the less. They must have spent ages in make up. All I could think was Handsome’s
union ties must have reached as far as Equity as these actors really did look
the part of some right beurocratic dicks.
Handsome took them down to
the farm, gave Beth a bag of barley sugars, a discount card voucher for boots and
the meeting was a go!
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Boots voucher - much better than pillow talk
It took them no time at
all to implement the master plan that me and TGK envisaged!
We paid them with 500
kilos of fertiliser and a Volvo estate. Handsome said he found it in the woods,
but to me it looked remarkably like the vicar’s wife’s one, but hey.
Beef jerky is a go! Beth
the manager is intending to invest in a large scale dehydrating machine and we
are going to convert some out buildings at the main farm asap.
Meanwhile we have hired a
dehydrator to make our first sample batch and shoved it in one of empty barnes.
I know its not exactly food hygiene at its best but what people don’t know in
this first instance won’t hurt them.
What could possibly go
wrong?
At least until the main
process unit is constructed. This should be done before lord cunt gets back
from big foot detail at Christmas.
So as long as this is
done, beef production here on the farm remains steady. Some will still go to
the super markets but handsome James will help Beth the manager with all
slaughterhouse logistics, regarding getting some beef back here. Seems fitting.
Any way Jock Strapper’s
you should know me by now – I’m not one to over react or not take a measured
approach so I’m not counting my chickens until full scale production is
happening and we drying out the backsides of bullocks so they are as moisture
free as Ermantrude’s wizard sleeve after a good old artificial insemination
session from Mad Harry the vet.
Therefore, Frank the Peacock
remains on high alert, in his woodland shack, tooled up and ready drop da bomb!
We all have to have a trick card up our sleeves. Well except Ermantrude – that
wouldn’t touch the sides, literally I know.
So I’m guessing your wandering
what mine and Beth’s second meeting was about?
Well Beth’s worried about
balance. All this angst of ownership, people and animals coming and going
causes the land to feel out of kilter. We don’t have Knuckles on hand to balance
things out spiritually as he’s on honey moon for a month!
Beth said populations of
certain animals we getting out of control, what’s more other animals are just
turning up, word on the street is that we are easy picking for a pitch up.
Funny how no gypsy cunts
have turned up though, hash-tag burning children … yeah that’s it, cast your
minds back ;-)
Any way I know what she
means. I met a half cast pheasant this morning that had come here all the way
form Essex! Referred to himself as Frosty Fabio, the fortunate pheasant from Finton-on-sea
and reckond he was seeking refuge as he sold a dodgy second hand tractor to a
crazy game keeper with a large collection of shotguns. Only in fucking Essex.
Any way he was tired and hungry so I pointed him in the direction of nearest
local grain bank. – Its owned by a
family two farms over, their tenant farmers, standard.
So Beth was saying that
the bird of prey population was sky rocketing on the farm form her
observations, and in particular, the buzzard count was going up and up
I told you Jock Strappers
– countryside management is all about balance
Buzzards are Dorset’s most
common bird of prey. However these magnificent beasts were hardly seen down
here in the past due to the use of certain crop sprays, persecution by
gamekeepers and the introduction of a disease used to curb the population of
rabbits called myxomotosis way back in the 1950’s. Buzzards would get infected
through eating the diseased rabbits, as they mainly scavenge their prey. The
dead and diseased carcasses were widespread and it almost did for them down
here. Buzzards don’t just scavenge though, they will target baby pheasants and
smaller items of prey – hence why game keepers are not to fond of them either.
However populations have
rallied here in Dorset to extremely high levels. They are still protected
though and there is a large degree of controversy about weather or not we ought
to be destroying nest sites in order to keep numbers under control. This is
because numbers have been known to increase between 1995 and 2009 by 146%,
although some are saying now the increase has levelled a tad. Never the less there
are shit loads here on the farm
And a new mating pair have
turned up. Beth the Manager is especially concerned over these too as she met
them at the village garage trying to offload their caravan to the owner.
They are called Alan and
Sharon and they said they had been unjustifiably kicked out of the caravan club
of Great Britain.
Apparently Alan was going
on about loads of errors in their paperwork and Sharon was chirping out about
ineffective leadership.
Beth said they were quite
extreme. The poor old garage owner didn’t quite know how to take them and they
sort of bullied him into buying their caravan. At one point Alan literally
filled up another customer’s car with petrol for them as the process of was too
slow and he thought the owner was getting too distracted.
It’s a self service garage
for fuck sake.
Beth went on to say that they had an answer for
everything and an opinion on how everything aught to be done. She reckons they
are gonna pitch up in the woods too, but not in a tree, oh no that would be far
to normal.
They said the money from the caravan was going to go towards
a yurt. Yeah that’s it Jock Strappers, in the woods we know have handsome James
in a Sheppard’s hut, Frank the peacock in a hidden shack, ready to all 4 minute
warning on anyone and now this Alan and Sharon couple in a yurt…. With a porch
for fuck sake!
Their buzzards!
C’mon now.
Alan and Sharon - Nuff said
Any way Beth the manager got all decisive and said
they had to go. I pointed out the fact that we had no security anymore to
undertake these tasks to which she just gave me the following link about my
extra curricular activities and smiled:
So it looks like this gigs mine.
Well she’s thorough I’ll give her that
Let 'Operation By-by Buzzards' commence!
