SIX FOR GOLD

Golden opportunities present themselves on a very rare basis these days. 

For the last six months, antagonistic momentum has been somewhat against me. 

I have had to rely on the bravery of a few in order to hold off various challenges to my farm, to my friends and to my own well-being. 

It took an act of sheer mental cruelty during the height of such unfortunate weather conditions for me to finally realise that I needed to take the bull by the horns so to speak. 

Either I take the fight to them or I crack up. 

And this week – the opportunity was there for the taking. 

So like ive said before, I don’t hold birds of prey in much regard at all. Most of them have got some kind of presenting issue. If it’s not addiction problems its personality based disorders. 

Alan and Sharon Buzzard have systematically tried to enforce a medalling presence round here and its done my head in. 

Last week in trying to abduct Jerry the Adder, Sharon Buzzard got a bitten in the arse and carried home with wings between her legs. 

I knew a had a 2 hour window of opportunity in order to orchestrate a strike as the likelihood was that Alan Buzzard in all his square arsed numeric calculating self, would want to lay low and see if Sharon threw a reaction. 

Furthermore, there is no one round here on the farm to try and talk us out of it either. 

All the spring barley has been planted and most of the other jobs are being taken care of by local contractors. 

The Lord Augustus make a wish foundation has sent TGK to the John Deere factory in Manheim, Germany to go up against the best, Handsome James has been sent on a fashion design short course in London (standard) and Beth the Manager has had a load of new studying paid for too, 

#lifelonglearning 

Cut ‘n’ Paste Wayne has had his John Deere 7810 replaced by a brand spanking ’14 plate 6210r and there is even talk of some new ploughs on order too! Cut ‘n’ Paste likes to make plough – if you get my drift. 

                                          7810 - OUT WITH THE OLD.

                                                      6210R - IN WITH THE NEW.

What a mind job. I get fuck all. 

Not being one to harp on about shit like this I have just got on with task in hand over these last few days. 

I sent Princess Cara of Purbeck on a mission to the Buzzards not so secret caravan treehouse hideout #whateverthefuckitis to fuck them up once and for all. She was guided in by Frank the Peacock on the ground all Special Bird Service style. 

What ensued afterwards can only be described as horrific. 

I may have referenced Sharon Buzzards bladder problem in an earlier post but that was extremely context related. Knuckles the magpie had after all, turned her to stone.

But the stench emanating  from the buzzards love nest was truly awful.

Buzzard wee is the worst smelling of all the wee's. I think its because they primarily eat squirels and drink rats milk.

As Princess Cara was making her final approach – laser guided from the ground, she caught whiff of this terrible stench and passed out shortly before impact. She ended up falling form the heavens  and landing on the roof of the tree house caravan, gasping for breath…..

Alan Buzzard then climbed out and onto the roof clutching a machete ready to take her down. 

But Frank had seen all this unfold with his own eyes and flew out of his make shift bunker and up to the house.

Sharon Buzzard then limped out too, arse still swollen and dripping in piss. The recovering Princess Cara of Purbeck was going as blue in the face as Franks feathers as she refused to breath the stench in whilst coming too. Subsequently she passed out again and fell to the ground in a heap.

Frank the Peacock's military training means he can hold his breath for up to twenty minutes.

So it was a stand off of epic proportions. Two buzzards versus one peacock on top of a tree house made from a caravan.

Both buzzards gearing and shouting at a peacock warrior readying himself for warfare. His flight time, limited, his weaponry, non existent – the odds were not in his favour.

Like I said last week Jock Strapper’s – this area needs a better class of animal

However, no blood was shed as from nowhere Mad Harry the Vet and Dave the Piercer turned up, and grabbed them!

Proper bag ‘em and tag ‘em style!

Turned out a concerned by stander had seen them limp back to their caravan last week and called the relevant authorities.

Not wanting to split them up, Mad Harry has taken them both together. With Sharon Buzzards swollen arse and bladder problems I cant see them being released for a while.

Ive just got to watch that they don’t manipulate him and turn him into some kind of possessed demon falcon master vet. Or buzzard master even.

Frank was left seathing, as he was gagging for a good fight.

However he did commender Alan buzzards machete though and he looks rather dashing with it in a sheath around his waist.

#peacockenvy

So it still stands at buzzards 1 Frank the Peacock 0

As for my secret weapon, the regal destroyer that is Princess Cara of Purbeck….. what a fucking let down. To think she once nearly had this village on its knees.

And!

Where was Knuckles the Magpie when all this was going on I hear you asking?

Well, I will tell you where – with his fucking wife.

Turns out she wants kids! And nesting season is rapidly approaching Jock Strappers!

#Godhelpus

25-60% of magpies in a particular area don’t breed and as far as I know, they would both be 

first time parents.

 I really don’t understand what is going on here. Knuckles and Sparkles are poles apart in their thinking and she is directly responsible for his lack of action. Well, maybe not action as such as im sure hes getting plenty of that, lets call it lack of motivation to kill people.

To top it off Cara is back and even though she has history with Knuckles, there hasn't been a single exchange of gun fire.

Its just not right.

If they breed there will be an army of religious magpies around here and that is not got for anyone health.

As I have said – we need a better class of animal round here