"HOW OFTEN HAVE I LAIN BENEATH RAIN ON A STRANGE ROOF, THINKING OF HOME" ?

You miss me ? 

Yeah you did, you knows it!

                                          TOP BULL: STANDARD 

Soooo, Matt the Farmer's sold up and done one, new owner doesn't want any animals on the farm. He wants crop production only. Even the Security Snakes have been made redundant.

Reckons he may get a load of ex SAS in to keep things safe from now on- and no, that doesn't include Frank the fucking Peacock.

Bless Frank, he's tooled himself up with five bags of quick lyme and is currently lying low in a shack in hundred acre woods, camouflaged up, waiting for my call. But I'm not going to call. I'm bigger than that. I'm stronger than that.

I'm being made redundant. And it hurts. 

I'm at a point in time where I have to do two things and do them well. One of which is to be a good friend to a crazy bird that is getting married tonight and the other is to put my shit to the back of mind and focus my thoughts positively towards the future.

Well, I say married but technically he's already marked, I mean married. It was one of those pagan ceremonies fucking years ago, with soot faces and broom sticks 'n shit. It's not exactly legit though, in a spiritual sense (according to Knuckles himself). So the dark one wanted to spiritualise things up all proper like and have a Christian wedding now that Sparkles is back on the scene.

Yeah that's it. Sparkles the Magpie!

- Makes princess Cara a proper by-gone un-effervescent small fry.

If knuckles is the dark one, then Sparkles balances the complex magpie equation, here on the farm.

They met when they were young. It was beautiful. They fell in love, cast spells and loved life.

But Knuckles lost his way, started to eat baby pipistrayle bats with his cornflakes and burn motorists at roundabouts. Sparkles was always more balanced, with a great sense of humour and a fondness for the light. Yeah ok she's religious, but who cares nowadays. You'd think it would have been really complicated but it seemed to work out ok, until Knuckles really got a taste for the dark life. Sparkles couldn't cope with it all and fucked off across the shores to do missionary work to help the Africans and then later the French.

It wasn't until I spilled knuckles' diary earlier this year that she got wind of his change of heart. She says she always knew he had some good In him and always remained in love with the real him, locked hidden away in an overt casket of darkness that was his identity for so many years. Anyway she came back and they hit it off straight away. They are going to renew their vows slash get married slash whatever it entails on Halloween or today if you are reading this upon its release.

She adapted and flexibly agreed to a wedding on Halloween. Or Samhain as they both like to call it, as it's got something to do with celebrating the crops coming in and the light season changing to the dark season or some shit like that.

I told Knuckles that on his stag do, we had to ceremoniously burn a combine, to really encapsulate this Samhain thing. He wasn't up for that so we set fire the new farm owners green house instead. Then got pissed on mead and had a poetry slam. Dave the piercer recited some Right Said Fred lyrics. True meaning there; what a raving Gaylord. 

So: The new owner....

Let me put this into context. Arable land prices are high, very high. Grain prices are also high. Therefore, people want to sell farmland to cash in and people also want to buy farmland - To cash in.

Lord Augustus has bought the farm. He has another estate in Oxfordshire, owns a significant chunk of the highlands as well as a nice quadrant of Central London.

And:

He's a cunt. 

So over the summer he hired a new farm manager, a sort of intermediary, a go between or a gun to fire his cuntish bullets. 

Her name is Beth The Manager. She's from more of a business background and I reckon she may listen to sensible ideas.... 

Lord cunt is managing the place long arm. That means he's not often around. Kinda on the phone type thing as he lives in Oxfordshire and drives a Mercedes - off of the mid nighties - I know, they literally all have those old Mercs, those aristacat types

So it's down to this Beth to carry his vision forward.....

Well, we will see about that Jock Strappers! 

She's new to farming and during this transition process has already admitted to having some worries. 

During the handover the farm has been in state of flux, the countryside has lost balance in in a countryside management context and things can get out of hand. Weeds can grow if you catch my drift. Animals can overpopulate if they are not managed properly, the wrong sort can move in and before you know it the pterodactyls can be ‘a-circling!

So I've organised a little "advice and guidance" for her - stay tuned over the coming weeks for that one!

I've also had to come up with a great idea to save the beef herd and keep me banging for my bucks so you can keep biting into my children! 

I couldn't do it on my own, so I had to enlist the super powers of TGK to bounce ideas off of. 

She's narked off as Lord Augustus doesn't drive green on his farms and her mighty John Deere 7280R could be replaced by an equivalent spec'd Union Flagged New Holland! The shame, no literally... The shame. I’m reckoning he’s been spying on her driving! She takes that thing to its limit, right to the edge of the envelope, faster and better and then anyone else. Well if he wants to put the brakes on her, he can fuck off.

                                THE IMMENSE 7280R - VULNERABLE 

                                           BASILDON EQUIVALENT - FUCK THAT  

Any way - I don't know if you can remember but last year we had a bit of a village shindig slash steak festival. Part of that was 'The Beef Jerky Jury' which went down a right storm! 

Here is a link from last year to Jog your memory:

http://jockthebull.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/its-always-nice-meeting-new-people.html

The eventual winner, Camille Black introduced us to her "Black Jerky" variety. We were all up for getting a commercial dehydrator in and producing it for general sale. But it never happened. All Matt The farmer could think about was the amount of corn we could cram into our acreage and put the idea into permanent hiatus.

Beef jerky is good for you. It's developed out of a process called dehydrating and that means that rather than being cooked, all the moisture is removed instead. This is great for the longevity of whatever you’re making as well as a healthy way of preparing food stuff. Sales of dehydrators here in the UK are significantly increasing and already rampant in the USA.

Beef jerky is expensive to buy in the supermarkets and is in relatively short supply. So why not set up shop and market some off of my black ass, with such a strong demand?

You have to use top cuts of premium steak to make beef jerky. This is because fatty bits will turn rancid as part of the dehydrating and keeping process. So great tasting, top quality Aberdeen Angus steak, is an extremely realistic option moving forward.

TGK and I have even thought of some recipes as well as great sounding names for each variant of Angus jerky:

1. Jock's Jerky - Pure great tasting standard jerky.

2. General Jimmi's Jerky - Bring out the big guns for these larger pieces!

3. Jerry's Jerky - The adder, bites! This one burns the throat                                                             more than Jerry's venom when he’s kissing the neck of one of those MIC girls, with its intense yet refined blend of spices. 

(MIC equals Made in Chelsea for all you retards out there).

I Just need to convince the powers that be that there is good profit in this venture and then I get a reprieve from redundancy. Although the union stepped in and I am due for a good package if I do go - but I'm used to large packages and it's more about a way of life for me here with my great friends on the farm! 

So watch this space Jock Strappers - I'm bringing the advisors in to "impartially" pitch my ideas to Beth the Manager.... 

Anyway I've got a best mans speech to rehearse!

And then it's the wedding tomorrow, or today if your reading this now. We are having the do after at The Happy Pumpkin! Seems fitting! Remember last year ?! Love love love Drago The Stag, hashtag back from the other realm. Hopefully the Pumpkins’ landlord, the mysterious generaljimmi will put on a good bash.

Oh and in case you were wandering… Frank will be staying in the shack during the wedding and for the foreseeable future….ready to declare war on Augustus as a last ditch option! TGK can ‘Air Drop’ him supplies in - and no, not in a wireless Mac Book slash iOS 7 way >>> in actual plane way! 

Let the wedding commence!

Blessings.

THIS SATURDAY:

‘THE ADDER BITES’!

                                             READ IT - OR ELSE!

YES YES JOCK STRAPPERS JERRY THE ADDER, "TOO HARD FOR HIBERNATION" - HAS FINALY WRITTEN A SEGMENT FOR ME AND WILL BE ADVISING YOU ON HOW TO MAKE SOME PERFECT AUTUMN COCKTAILS……..

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