You
miss me ?
Soooo,
Matt the Farmer's sold up and done one, new owner doesn't want any animals on
the farm. He wants crop production only. Even the Security Snakes have been
made redundant.
Reckons
he may get a load of ex SAS in to keep things safe from now on- and no, that
doesn't include Frank the fucking Peacock.
Bless
Frank, he's tooled himself up with five bags of quick lyme and is currently
lying low in a shack in hundred acre woods, camouflaged up, waiting for my
call. But I'm not going to call. I'm bigger than that. I'm stronger than that.
I'm
being made redundant. And it hurts.
I'm
at a point in time where I have to do two things and do them well. One of which
is to be a good friend to a crazy bird that is getting married tonight and the
other is to put my shit to the back of mind and focus my thoughts positively
towards the future.
Well,
I say married but technically he's already marked, I mean married. It was one of those pagan ceremonies fucking years ago, with soot faces and broom sticks
'n shit. It's not exactly legit though, in a spiritual sense (according to
Knuckles himself). So the dark one wanted to spiritualise things up all proper
like and have a Christian wedding now that Sparkles is back on the scene.
Yeah
that's it. Sparkles the Magpie!
-
Makes princess Cara a proper by-gone un-effervescent small fry.
If
knuckles is the dark one, then Sparkles balances the complex magpie equation,
here on the farm.
They
met when they were young. It was beautiful. They fell in love, cast spells and
loved life.
But
Knuckles lost his way, started to eat baby pipistrayle bats with his cornflakes and burn motorists at
roundabouts. Sparkles was always more balanced, with a great sense of humour
and a fondness for the light. Yeah ok she's religious, but who cares nowadays.
You'd think it would have been really complicated but it seemed to work out ok,
until Knuckles really got a taste for the dark life. Sparkles couldn't cope
with it all and fucked off across the shores to do missionary work to help the
Africans and then later the French.
It
wasn't until I spilled knuckles' diary earlier this year that she got wind of
his change of heart. She says she always knew he had some good In him and
always remained in love with the real him, locked hidden away in an overt
casket of darkness that was his identity for so many years. Anyway she came
back and they hit it off straight away. They are going to renew their vows
slash get married slash whatever it entails on Halloween or today if you are
reading this upon its release.
She
adapted and flexibly agreed to a wedding on Halloween. Or Samhain as
they both like to call it, as it's got something to do with celebrating the
crops coming in and the light season changing to the dark season or some shit
like that.
I
told Knuckles that on his stag do, we had to ceremoniously burn a
combine, to really encapsulate this Samhain thing. He wasn't up for that so we
set fire the new farm owners green house instead. Then got pissed on mead and
had a poetry slam. Dave the piercer recited some Right Said Fred lyrics. True
meaning there; what a raving Gaylord.
So:
The new owner....
Let
me put this into context. Arable land prices are high, very high. Grain prices
are also high. Therefore, people want to sell farmland to cash in and people
also want to buy farmland - To cash in.
Lord
Augustus has bought the farm. He has another estate in Oxfordshire, owns a
significant chunk of the highlands as well as a nice quadrant of Central
London.
And:
He's
a cunt.
So
over the summer he hired a new farm manager, a sort of intermediary, a go
between or a gun to fire his cuntish bullets.
Her
name is Beth The Manager. She's from more of a business background and I reckon
she may listen to sensible ideas....
Lord
cunt is managing the place long arm. That means he's not often around. Kinda on
the phone type thing as he lives in Oxfordshire and drives a Mercedes - off of
the mid nighties - I know, they literally all have those old Mercs, those
aristacat types
So
it's down to this Beth to carry his vision forward.....
Well,
we will see about that Jock Strappers!
She's
new to farming and during this transition process has already admitted to
having some worries.
During
the handover the farm has been in state of flux, the countryside has lost
balance in in a countryside management context and things can get out of hand.
Weeds can grow if you catch my drift. Animals can overpopulate if they are not
managed properly, the wrong sort can move in and before you know it the
pterodactyls can be ‘a-circling!
So
I've organised a little "advice and guidance" for her - stay tuned
over the coming weeks for that one!
I've
also had to come up with a great idea to save the beef herd and keep me banging
for my bucks so you can keep biting into my children!
I
couldn't do it on my own, so I had to enlist the super powers of TGK to bounce
ideas off of.
She's
narked off as Lord Augustus doesn't drive green on his farms and her mighty
John Deere 7280R could be replaced by an equivalent spec'd Union Flagged New
Holland! The shame, no literally... The shame. I’m reckoning he’s been
spying on her driving! She takes that thing to its limit, right to the edge of
the envelope, faster and better and then anyone else. Well if he wants to put
the brakes on her, he can fuck off.
THE IMMENSE 7280R - VULNERABLE
BASILDON EQUIVALENT - FUCK THAT
Any
way - I don't know if you can remember but last year we had a bit of
a village shindig slash steak festival. Part of that was 'The Beef
Jerky Jury' which went down a right storm!
Here
is a link from last year to Jog your memory:
http://jockthebull.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/its-always-nice-meeting-new-people.html
The
eventual winner, Camille Black introduced us to her "Black Jerky"
variety. We were all up for getting a commercial dehydrator in and producing it
for general sale. But it never happened. All Matt The farmer could think about
was the amount of corn we could cram into our acreage and put the idea into
permanent hiatus.
Beef
jerky is good for you. It's developed out of a process called dehydrating and
that means that rather than being cooked, all the moisture is removed instead.
This is great for the longevity of whatever you’re making as well as a healthy
way of preparing food stuff. Sales of dehydrators here in the UK are
significantly increasing and already rampant in the USA.
Beef
jerky is expensive to buy in the supermarkets and is in relatively short
supply. So why not set up shop and market some off of my black ass, with such a
strong demand?
You
have to use top cuts of premium steak to make beef jerky. This is because fatty
bits will turn rancid as part of the dehydrating and keeping process. So great
tasting, top quality Aberdeen Angus steak, is an extremely realistic option
moving forward.
TGK
and I have even thought of some recipes as well as great sounding names for
each variant of Angus jerky:
1.
Jock's Jerky - Pure great tasting standard jerky.
2.
General Jimmi's Jerky - Bring out the big guns for these larger pieces!
3.
Jerry's Jerky - The adder, bites! This one burns the throat more than Jerry's
venom when he’s kissing the neck of one of those MIC girls, with its intense yet
refined blend of spices.
(MIC
equals Made in Chelsea for all you retards out there).
I Just
need to convince the powers that be that there is good profit in this venture
and then I get a reprieve from redundancy. Although the union stepped
in and I am due for a good package if I do go - but I'm used to large packages
and it's more about a way of life for me here with my great friends on the
farm!
So
watch this space Jock Strappers - I'm bringing the advisors in to
"impartially" pitch my ideas to Beth the Manager....
Anyway
I've got a best mans speech to rehearse!
And
then it's the wedding tomorrow, or today if your reading this now. We are
having the do after at The Happy Pumpkin! Seems fitting! Remember last year ?!
Love love love Drago The Stag, hashtag back from the other realm. Hopefully the Pumpkins’ landlord, the mysterious generaljimmi will put on a good bash.
Oh
and in case you were wandering… Frank
will be staying in the shack during the wedding and for the foreseeable
future….ready to declare war on Augustus as a last ditch option! TGK
can ‘Air Drop’ him supplies in - and no, not in a wireless Mac Book slash
iOS 7 way >>> in actual plane way!
Let
the wedding commence!
Blessings.
THIS
SATURDAY:
‘THE ADDER BITES’!
READ IT - OR ELSE!
YES YES JOCK STRAPPERS JERRY
THE ADDER, "TOO HARD FOR HIBERNATION" - HAS FINALY WRITTEN A SEGMENT FOR ME AND
WILL BE ADVISING YOU ON HOW TO MAKE SOME PERFECT AUTUMN COCKTAILS……..
twitter.com/jockthebull
