DATE RAPE

So I’m minding my own business stood outside the post office licking Mrs Mathews’ number plate when I noticed I girl walk inside wearing what I believed to be a wig.

Frank The Peacock has, in the past taught me some inner secrets of the security services and I think I know a wig wearer when I see one - YES ANOTHER ONE!

Bless Frank.

Hope you are staying safe brother!

I waited for her to come out but time was 'a ticking and she didn’t seem to be exiting. To be fair I was growing kinda board so stopped licking the number plate and started to mount Mrs Mathews’ Landover just for a thrill.

They are extremely well built. I can usually destroy an average four by four after the fourth thrust. Respect.

Anyway no girl came out looking at all a like the wig wearer that went in, must of sneaked out as I was smashing the Landover’s back doors in.

Where had she gone?

So I wandered down the road towards my field and as I was about half way there, I came across said wig wearer in a broken down shit heap made by Vauxhall off of the 1990’s!

When I asked her what was wrong she didn’t seem to have the first fucking clue about cars. There was steam coming out of the engine and it had clearly hit the verge at some point too. (Frank has also taught me the powers of ultra- quick incident observation or UIO for short,..Come back Frank) !

So I deduced that only does this girl wear wigs but she also cant fucking drive either! She talked with a strange west country accent and guess what...... she was also looking for Handsome James. Said her name was Emily and that she was fairly new to the area.

Funny that the last wig wearer said exactly the same thing… although the last one promised me bears to play with so I thought I would try and gain from the situation….

I said that I would toe her to Handsome James’ bachelor van pad if she could get hold of a crate of Bollinger champagne for me for Christmas. Then I started grilling her about who she was secret agent style...

Weirdly she agreed, but wouldn’t play ball on the disclosures.

Said she had a toe rope in her boot. I walked round to help her, she opened her boot and that was the last thing I remember!

I woke up in the middle of the road on my back. The car had been stripped right down and just left and I was really woosy!

Well there’s a first time for everything and I suppose you have got to truly experience date rape in order to offer an opinion on it.

There is no other reason why she would want to gas me. - Must have seen me perform against the Landover.

Her car was stripped bear. All the plastics that attach to the inners of the boot and the side doors had been removed and all the carpets taken out. There was a weird smell lurking there too, one of those smells you know you have smelt before but cant quite put your hoof on it, kinda like polish.

So two blatant wig wearers down, no bears or champagne and Handsome James is working the both of them…. What the fuck is going on??