As I pointed out on Twitter the other day I came
across a fucking twat Swallow bird from south Africa trying his luck at
stealing some fertiliser form the farm yard. As soon as I sprung him he fucked
off, but this is the third time we have had thieving on the farm within the
last six months.
This highlights the issue of rural crime in the UK
and how many people generally have an urbanised perception of where crime takes
place and how it affects us.
Lets face it; stuff on the farm is expensive. In
order for me to spunk on all cylinders and have the energy to fuck cows
constantly… I need supplements, not silage and that aint cheap!! Livestock feed
is getting ever more expensive as is fertiliser.
If you want a half decent tractor you are looking at
a hundred big ones and the combine we have here including the servicing and
break down package costs more than half a million.
So when fucking chancers come out to the country
stealing farm kit and other expensive shit it really makes my but itch.
You know the sort; Gypsies and cunts that want a
quick buck. I have given many a gypsy a quick buck myself - literally, my
transit van tally stands at 17 and 0. Yes that’s right you cunts, come looking
for metal on this farm and I will crush your van.
I also once crushed the postman’s van. What a
fucking let down to the Royal Mail that prick was. I Moo’d good morning to
him and he told me to fuck off and that he knew I could actually talk. Big
mistake.
Unfortunately as I crushed his van I squashed his
cat to death – What sort of two-bit postman has a fucking cat in his van any
way? As the van began to implode a parcel was projected out the window at the
same speed a Thai Whore can fire a ping pong ball out of her pussy.
Actually that was a good analogy, as the parcel
turned out to be a massive black dildo with the girth of a grain bushel bucket.
The force was so extreme the packaging of this black beast came off. All you
could make out of the address was that it was destined for the vicarage. Nuff
said.
Any way back to the issue at hand. Because rural
crime is so prevalent it makes us all hate certain types of people. I wasn’t
born to hate but it wears you down when it happens so much. Gypsies I can deal
with, I can talk their language, I destroy their vans and the farmer shoots
their young. We have a good penal system on this farm. Any gypsy getting caught
in the act usually gets branded too. Although Knuckles the Magpie will insist
on only branding during a full moon, so sometimes we have to invite them back
at certain times of the month.
The only rural crime lords I can’t stand however
are the fucking Russians:
And this leads me to vehicle export scams. These
are big business and tractors are its bread and butter. If you imagine the average
price of a car compared to a tractor, the mark up is insane. It would seem as
though developing eastern European and Eurasian markets want our kit.
Frank The Peacock has been secretly investigating a
gentleman new to the area, possibly of Russian descent. He is a charming guy
and has struck up a chord with Handsome James. Frank tells me that this Russian
geezer, goes by the name of Terrance - yeah - Terrence the twat! He told Handsome
James he can get great prices for three of the farms aging John Deere’s down at
the dock if they take the number plates off. Handsome James however, is on to
him and intends to catch him red handed and get him brought to justice.
I’ve harped on about Handsome James’ approach
before. He’s almost too slick for his own good, never leaves any loose ends,
flies ice cold with no mistakes. He’s values driven and wants to give heart and
soul to the underdog. I never had him down as a white knight but in an open
court forum he would be king.
But what if he gets it all wrong, what if he gets stitched
up and cant rely on Frank The Peacock as his inside man? What if the Russians
conspire to get at him or take him down? What if Handsome James had to take on
three Transit vans full of gypsies? He wouldn’t shoot their children, rape
their wives or crush their vans!
I would. This countryside needs a crime fighter
that lays it down an eye for an eye. A people’s champion, strong enough for a
sustained attack on thieves and clever enough to out whit Russian scammers. We
don’t need a court room crooner, a negotiator or a planned perfectionist; we
need something a little darker……
NEXT WEEK: Rural crime’s White Knight part 2: JOCK'S JUDICIARY....
"This tractors purpose is pain not ploughing"
twitter.com/jockthebull
No comments:
Post a Comment